Why I like animals more

I grew up with animals. Normally a few cats and at least one dog. My brother had a black cat, named Battle Cat. Yes. My brother was very young when we got him. We also had his sister, a three legged cat named TC.

When we were very young the dogs across the road killed TC. Battle was shattered. He began to pine badly and went into decline.

After a few weeks my Dad managed to get a hold of another cat, to be my very first (though nobody EVER owned that bitch). A half starved stray. Brendy. She stayed because we fed her and it was safe. She never tamed, though in her old age she did like to sit on mums lap.

Battle and Brendy bonded straight away. I tried to find a b-word for 'straight away' but I don't really have the time. Would have been cool though. Can I make bimmediately a word?

They used to sleep on top of the dog kennels together. Sometimes Battle would sleep inside it, and Brendy on top. But they were always in close proximity.

When Battle was very old and decrepit (about 12, maybe more) he couldn't hunt any more. Which was a damn shame, because he was a farm cat and he liked his fresh meat.

One winter night Brendy was hanging around the door, waiting to come in. Someone said not to let her in because she had a mouse. About 10 minutes later I checked to see if she was still there, and if she had the mouse. I couldn't see it in her mouth, so I let her in.

She had the mouse.

I made a grab at her but she eluded me. I made another grab and I got her. But by this stage she had dropped said mouse.

Right at Battle Cat's feet.

She caught this mouse, bought it back to the house and waited around, for at least 10 minutes, in the cold, for someone to open the door. Just so she could give him a mouse.

Whoever says that animals aren't compassionate have no experience with them. People would be put off by all the hard work involved in catching, carrying and waiting. But not the cat. And she was a real bitch.

Bloggorrhoea

I’m so sick of sizists. In todays society sizism should not be an issue. But it is. I’m a big gal. I have hit 120 on the scales, at a stage when people commented that I’d lost weight. I believe I may have topped at 130 at some stage. I am currently sitting at 103 and declining. I'd just about murder to have a piece of chicken in my FOS*.

But I'm ranting about sizists here, not diets.

Westfield Australia has a fashion website, where they tell you whats what. Upcoming and outdated fashions, that kind of thing. Its interesting to check out. And thats what I was doing the other day. And I realised there is no concession for larger people there. I emailed them to ask why and haven't heard back.

Begin rant.

What the fuck is up with these people. Larger people (henceforth referred to fat people or fatties because its faster to type) have some damn fine fashions out there. Fashion has come such a long way for us in the past few years. We can have nicely cut and highly fashionable clothes too. But height of fashion doesn't suit us. Holy shit! Height of fashion doesn't even really suit the rakes that model it! But you can't expect us to wear something thats designed for someone who has no hips, to give the illusion of hips, when we want to HIDE THE FUCKERS!!! So our fashions are subtly different.

Shit, we even have dresses that don't hang (or feel) like hessian sacks. Fat fashions are coming ahead in leaps and bounds, but the fashion industry doesn't want to acknowledge the millions who can only buy there.

But sizism isn't limited to the 'beautiful people'. I get catologues mailed out to me from several stores. Most of these stores cater for people size 14 to 26. And they all seem to use size 14 models. Curvy but not really fat.

Oh, and another thing. EVERY fat store name has a reference to size in its name. My Size, 1626 (which has recently changed its name to Autograph), Taking Shape, My Size. The only one that doesn't is Be Me, which is Rockmans plus size store, and isn't found widely in Sydney.

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I have a new "me" necklace. Its silver. Well, its probably stainless steel. At first glance I thought it was a gothic style lion. Posing like the Gryffyndor mascot. But its actually a wolf.

It has a thick shaggy coat, with dark grooves to accentuate it. It tail is straight up, and its on its back legs, with the forepaws out in front of it. Its ears are back and you can see all of its teeth.

The dark bits are an integral part of it. They accentuate the shiny bits without drawing any attention to themselves. Its cute and attention grabbing, but not quite approachable. And its held up by the simplest of chains, with large but not chunky links. At the same time, it is not connected to the chain. Rather, it is hooked on to the pendant that is attached to the chain. At any time it can leave the chain, if it so inclined.

Like I said. Very me.

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I made FOS* last night. The pot was not actually big enough to hold all of the ingredients for it. I kept adding stuff, and letting it simmer down, and then adding more stuff. It was yum.

FOS contents – chicken noodle soup, crushed tomatoes, creamed corn, potato, sweet potato, pumpkin, carrots, celery, capsicum, peas, beans.

It is, by definition, very thick.

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‘Tis flu season. The primary indicator…

Of the six things I just bought at Coles

1. bottle of honey
2. another bottle of honey
3. lemon juice
   
4. throat lozenges
5. more lemon juice
   

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I just saw the movie “The number 23”. WOW. Is that creepy or what? 10 minutes til the end and I was literally thinking ‘where is this movie going?’, and I had no idea about how long it had to go. And I found Saw predictable.

Don’t go see that movie if you’re not a thinker.

If you want to go see a feel-good no-brainer, watch Miss Congeniality.

* Fuck off soup

Snark

Your Animal Personality

Your Power Animal: Shark Animal You Were in a Past Life: Polar Bear You have a strong character - you are an aggressive, ambitious, go-getter. You were born to lead.

The Animal Personality Test

I'm reasonably sure that isn't a shark. In fact, I think its a chimpanzee with a gun. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Gimme A "Bee"

Bee is for Banality. Not a buzz. Which I wouldn't object to right now.

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I heard about this on the radio this morning. And I couldn't help but laugh. How did they get volunteers for that kind of thing? And, for that matter, WHO would volunteer for it? Especially when they heard what happens...

"Hey, we need volunteers to measure how sensitive your dick is. We'll make you sit and watch a porno with a dozen electrodes strapped to your cock, measuring its response to pressure. Oh, and once you're hard, you can't touch it."

Hell I wouldn't even sign up for it. And I don't have a ding-dong.

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Well I just went and saw a psychic. He was hot.

Apart from that, he said that this year is going to be a big year for me. That there is a relationship somewhere along the line. And a career improvement. But not necessarily a change. He also said that the career improvement would bring international success.

Then we did a sub-reading about my love life. I have excellent self esteem, and do not need someone in my life to make me happy. I personally do no think that I will ever reach that stage. Someone to share my life with would be nice. But isn't necessary. My past love life reflected study. Which is scarily accurate. I have never had a serious relationship. Never EVER. I have always been pretty one track minded about study and going somewhere in my life. Which is part of why my current job irritates me. Its stagnant. He said I miss alot of opportunities with guys. Which is also true. I am often shy or suffer from 'rabbit in the headlights'. The other night I had the perfect opportunity to chat up the hot barista, and I froze. And I did the same damn thing tonight. With the same guy. I continually have guys at work that have 'stuff in their eyes' and I ignore it. Sometimes its hard to discern the difference between genuine affection and flat out horny. Especially since I'm such a flirt and tend to bring that out in any guy I'm around, regardless of how he feels about me.

After that we did another quick reading this one was to further investigate my career. Now is not the right time to change jobs. Right now I want to move because this place has become stagnant. I need to prioritize what I need in a career and make the move when something comes up that fits all those criteria. But not to rush out of where I am at the moment.

Remember the Red Light

As requested, the story of the Red Light.

I was drunk. There was a red light.

The end.





Actually there's a bit more to it than that.

I was out drinking one night with a mate of mine (hi Tam'ra) at the uni pub. And we were suitably blotto. Probably covered in the labels from every bottle we'd consumed that night. It was our thing.

After a big night of drunken debauchry and dancing, we finally got kicked out at closing time. Its nothing really to brag about. It was a small campus and the pub closed around 1 or 2. So we did our stagger home.

And by 'home' I mean the dorms, which were packed full of people trying to study and/or sleep. And probably a few getting off. Possibly with others. Which is what I'd personally rather be doing right now.

There were three dorms. Mine was in the middle and hers was a hike further on. We got to the first dorm and we could see a red flashing light out the front of my hall. At first we thought it was campus security. Then we realised it was on top of some big stinky machine at the front of my hall. And so began the jokes. Apparently my hall had turned into some kind of on-and-off brothel.

As we got closer I realised that the light was irritating me. And in our drunken infinite wisdom, we decided to steal the light. Now the actual stealing bit was left up to Tamra, as she's taller than I am. I stood there laughing and egging her on. And while she was stealing it I remembered some line of Eddy Murphy's. It was from Delerium or Raw. I don't remember which. But it was something about cops in San Fransisco not needing sirens. How they had a real faggot on the roof of the patrol car going 'woo-woo-oo'.

Well we thought that was hilarious. And so we started yelling 'woo-woo' to each other.

And we started running through the halls of our dorms, waving the red light and yelling 'woo-woo'. I think we might have even knocked on peoples doors and made them actually open up so we could (very proudly) tell them we had a red light.

I don't remember how that night ended. But everyone was really shitty at us the next day.

Reader Participation

So I don't have time to post right now. Well, apart from this. No time for a FULL post!

Heres where you come in gentle reader. And you too Slaggathor.

You can pick what you would like to read tomorrow. The choices are

1. Why I like animals more than people
2. The Red Light (with capitals)
   
3. Why I don't play with superglue.
4. Pets and farts.
   

I'll tally the votes tomorrow and respond in kind.

Google searches

I just went through my sitemeter page. Holy fuck, people search the weirdest things.

For instance...

"can turtles breathe out there butt". I personally ask this because this person must be so ignorant. No. Turtles cannot breathe out there butt. They can breathe out THEIR butt. Apparently. I found it on the internet thus it must be true.

"late girl asked santa claus but dead now nasa". Yep. I understand that one.

"I'm in love with a married man". Well unless he's your husband you're a fool. Going along with this is "How to be friends with a married man". Uhh, I'd say its pretty much the same as being friends with anybody else.

And my personal favourite

"arse raped by the boss". Not even going there.

How many blondes does it take to find a calendar?

Apparently it takes three. Who knew?

We went to Hooters for lunch yesterday. Well, I guess you'd call it more of a 'lunner'. Its a bit late for lunch, and I won't be needing dinner. Its like brunch but in the afternoon.

Anyhoo. It was a real eye opener. Like I'd been submerged into a real life blonde joke. They sure don't pick them for their brains there.

We met our waitress and the boys immediately began to drool. She walked us over to a table then asked if we wanted a table or booth. It appeared that the boys didn't have that much blood running through their brains, so I decided booth. She looked around and spotted one, announcing 'that one's clean', and pointed us over there. No shit that one was clean, the one next to it had dirty plates on it.

I did especially like the roll of paper towel that was sitting on the table for us. Are napkins too upper class?

The table that got seated (and ordered) after us received their drinks and food before us. Is it really that difficult to remember who comes first? The boyfriends of the breast bearers who work there must have fun with them.

"You come first honey."

It seems that Hooters has a policy of informality among its waitresses. Either that or they all have to sit down to take orders. Perhaps its a bit to hard to stand, and breathe, and write all at once. And she took our drink order as she was walking away. We had to literally yell them at her as she left.

Just after we ordered, our breast-bearer came back, and plonked herself next to me again. We broke off our conversation and stared at her. She had a member card, where we could get a free meal when we came back on the tenth time. I told her the boys were from Melbourne. She didn't pick up that it didn't include me. She proceeded to tell us that they were opening up a new restaurant in Queensland.

Sydney. Queensland. WTF!!!

I looked at her and commented 'uhhh... thats not really much better.'

Our meals arrived. And they were... ok. Not fantastic. Very greasy. VERY GREASY. The salad was nice. First time I've ever had curly fries. And the fish tasted nice to begin with, but ended up tasting like dirt. Literally.

The boys wanted to get a picture with the girls before they left. Which is understandable. I mean, those chicks were hot. So pretty, so stoopid. So I took the pics for them. And before Mike was ready I snapped him. And he was clearly staring straight at the chickie's breasts. It couldn't have been more obvious if he was wearing a sign. Mike isn't a sleazy guy, so I must have snapped that one at the perfect time. Just as he was sneaking a peek. Its a shame he has to delete it before his girlfriend sees it. It was a good picture.

But I had a fantastic time. We had a great laugh at some of the people there. Like when Mike got a refill of his coke. We motioned the girl over, and requested a refill. She wandered away with his cup. Returning a few minutes later she slams the glass down on the table, turns, takes two steps and says 'there you go' as she walks away. We stared at his 'coke' for about half a second before we pissed ourselves laughing.

She had bought him a lemon squash. In his old glass.

All in all

OMG! Why the FUCK does Maccas not deliver? I'm not talking about all day, every day delivery. I just think it would be reasonable if they delivered breakfast only, Saturday and Sunday mornings.

I had TEH BEST time last night. My cousin arrived last night, with one of his mates. And we wandered down Church St (for those playing at home, this is where pretty much every restaurant in Parramatta is located) for dinner. And we were watching the crowd. The boys all had seats facing out the window. So they got to watch the freaks go past. And we laughed at most of them. Including the old guy who wandered past holding up his dirty trackpants. Then my cousin made us all feel guilty at laughing at the guy who had clearly had his cord stolen... and his shoes... and his soap... and his home.

The flower lady who haunts all of the restaurants came past and asked if anybody wanted to but 'the lady' a flower. So I naturally piped up and asked which one of the boys was going to buy me a flower. And it fucking worked too! But since my cousin was the one to buy me the flower, there were alot of incest jokes floating around.

Then we went out. I haven't laughed so much in so long. I bought the first round, and then managed to have a drink in front of me for the rest of the night. Without having to pay or ask for them.

We found out that guys don't really like short shorts. Now this is going against what cosmo has told me. But apparently guys do want to be surprised by whats inside the pants. I also got an answer to my winking question. It comes down to the guy and my relationship with him. If he's a flirt (which neither of them are) then its just something that he does. If we're close then its like a hug with one eye. So that explains whatawaste. Married Man and I are getting close, so I can put it down to that.

We left pretty early. The guys had travelled for 10 hours that day, and were tired. So they walked me home. On the way there is a convenience store. And they had some milk crates sitting out the front. I ran over to them, picked up one and yelled 'furniture'. Upon realising that I no longer needed to collect items such as milk crates for furniture, we decided to throw them up into a tree, and see who could get it stuck first. So there's four drunks throwing milk crates into a tree and yelling at each other. And when we got one stuck the boys decided that we should try to dislodge it.

One of the milk crates ended up on a 'no parking' sign in our street. The other ended up in our garbage area (I think, I don't wanna know).

We all piled into the elevator, giggling to shit. The Gay Biotch pushed every button and promptly fell down in the corner of the elevator. Every time the door opened he'd yell out into the foyer area. Nothing in particular, just a kind of 'GAAARRRRRHHHHHH' noise. At which we'd all giggle more. On one of the floors I tossed out my milk crate. So some poor sucker woke up this morning and found a milk crate sitting outside his door.

All in all a fun night. Just what I needed.

Soo Tired

Since my last post I've been thinking. Alot. Which is normal for me. Thank God everybody who knows me, knows that over thinking is as natural as flirting, and, to a lesser extent, breathing, for me. I sent one last text out to the other person involved. She now has my blog address so if she wants to know exactly what the last few days have been like for me she can see. Kyles, the posts you'll want to read are four out of the five below this one.

I'd really appreciate it if people refrained from name calling. I know that you're only taking my hurt into account here and you don't know anything about her. Its actually making it harder for me. Affirming my choice is ok. Name calling is very inventive, but juvenile.

Read: stop fucking doing it.

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I feel better today. Much better. Making that cut was difficult. I hate losing friends. I can go without talking to certain family members for ages, no worries. But saying goodbye to someone who cares because they want to...

But I had to do it. Else I'd probably end up necking myself in a matter of days. "Cruel to be kind" and all that shit.

This whole stress dieting thing is working really well. I've lost more wieght in the last 24 hours. Part of it is dehydration, and part of it is an empty digestive system. I have managed to score myself a mild case of ketosis. Which is "a pathological state associated with chronic starvation." No wonder I'm so fucking hungry right now.

I also appear to be the recipient of some amazing cheekbones. It looks like I've had the cheekbones of an anorexic Russian supermodel transplanted into my face. Fact.

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Whatawaste winks at me. Nearly every time he sees me. I have a perfect comeback for him next time - "Winking is for SINGLES!!!". I was talking to him on Monday. He would have listened if I'd told him, and maybe not even judged me for it. He's such an amazing person.

But I didn't want to talk to him about it. So we ended up talking about his girlfriend. Turns out he WAS single. GAAAH!!! I fucking KNEW IT. They had broken up and he recently got back together with her. *beats head against wall*. Its not the first time something like this has happened. And it won't be the last.

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I have reason to believe Married Man isn't actually married. Apart from the fact that he doesn't wear a wedding ring, which isn't that uncommon. Nobody wears wedding rings at work. We wear gloves alot and they irritate the skin.

But there are other factors. He went away for a week. And he specifically told me it was by himself. He rides a motorbike. And its only a very recent thing because he's still on his learners license. Its a bit of a stretch, but I'd say he doesn't have a whole lot of passengers on said bike.

He's never mentioned anything about a partner. But to be honest neither of us has been doing any fishing.

And when I gave my number to one of his colleagues (I live close to work and we now lock his work area, and the lock can be tricky) in case I was needed to unlock said door, he came down a little while later, asking what would he do if he was in the same situation. He was sooo bejiggity. I can't believe I missed the fact that he wanted my number.

*repeatedly slaps forehead*

...

*with both hands*

Maybe I should rename him "Man".

I gave him my number last night. You know, just in case something happened at work and he needed my keys.

Oh. And HE winked at me today. Holy Fuck! What is this?!?

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While I'm on the topic - what the fuck does a wink mean to a guy? One guy who repeatedly winks at me is sooo not available. The other...

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I wanted to get stoned last night. God, I just wanted all of the pain to go away, and to be able to laugh again. There are times where I feel that I'll never laugh again. Even if its pointless laughing at the wind, its still good for you. But I had nothing. So in the absence of a joint I sat out on the (very cold and windy) balcony and played with sparklers.

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Fucking stupid cunting mp3 player won't play half of my Snow Patrol songs.

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That fucking car that was beeping last night is STILL doing it. Only now its got a two second cycle, with three fecking beeps. Beep-beep on second one, and beep at the start of second two. And then it goes AGAIN.

Fucking wish that battery would DIE already.

And she says "Baby, Its 3am and I must be lonely"

There was so much I wanted to say in that conversation. It is 3 am. I can't sleep. Somewhere outside a car chirps every three seconds. Its like having a dripping tap that you can hear and neither turn off nor ignore.

I think. About what I wanted to say. And I need to put it down.

I wanted to say how sorry I really am about it all.

I wanted to say that every time she mentioned him, or I saw him, I'd think about the baby, and I'd be gutted all over again.

I wanted to tell her how I've been jealously following the pregnancy of one of the girls at work. She was due not long after me.

I wanted to tell her that I would have had him by now. And somewhere around the time where he was due, a name popped into my head. His name. I know its his because every time I think of him, it feels comfortable. Its viciously more real, but its somehow easier.

I wanted to tell her that I have no more tears left. I feel empty and betrayed.

I wanted to say there was no choice to be made. She had already chosen. I hope he's worth it.

I wanted to say that she would always be in the middle, between us. I cannot accept him as a friend. I cannot even try.

I wanted to thank her for telling me.

I wanted to tell her that I was close to him. That we could talk about anything, and I miss him as a friend.

I wanted to say that sometimes, just sometimes, I felt that he actually understood and liked me too.

I wanted to say I'm a little jealous. I asked him if he wanted to take what we had a little more seriously and he wasn't interested.

I wanted to tell her that he always made me feel alive when he was around, like I was perfect. How he used to call me pet names, which I despised but was secretly flattered by.

I wanted to tell her how he made me question myself. How he made me feel less than dirt.

I wanted to remind her of what she was like when I met her, when she was hanging around with a whore. And how she's a stronger person now.

I wanted to say I thought I had a part in that.

I wanted to remind her that I always put her above any guy. "Ho's before Bro's Girlie."But I have different priorities, I guess.

I wanted to remind her of all we've been through, and how we've always been there for each other.

I wanted to thank her for being there when I was assaulted. For giving me refuge that day. And for letting me cry so hard that snot ran from my nose.

I wanted to thank her, just for being her.

And above all I wanted to say that I love her and this hurts more than she can imagine. She's at least got someone to turn to. And he is vindicated in his decision that I'm deranged.

Dammit. Every time I think I've run out of tears there are always more.

There were tears

I just did it. I just rang the other girl involved. And I told her that I was having serious difficulty accepting what happened. And as long as he was going to be a part of her life. I couldn't be part of hers.

She doesn't want to accept it. She said thats not a good enough excuse. So I told her how the last few days have been for me. The drinking, lack of sleep and desire to play with razor blades. I've stopped eating. I've lost three kilograms in two days.

I apologised. I told her that I'm not strong enough to do this. Not strong enough to be the bigger person. I wished her luck with everything. And I said goodbye. The tears were on both sides. We have been through so much together.

Deep down I want her to realise her mistake and pick me. But I don't think she will.

Sydney Peoples

My favorite cousin is coming up here in a few days. So I need to know...



Good places to go on a Friday night?

Anybody?

Must be easy to find. Not worried about cover charges. Though please mention if there are any.

Coping

Thanks for your support everybody. The last couple of days have been hell. I got maggoty drunk on Saturday night. So drunk I forgot to have a shower before I went to bed. Ick. And I had to work the next day. Faark me it was hard to get out of bed. Thusly I didn't have time to shower before work.

Work wasn't so bad. It was only 4 hours and very slow. And when its slow we can do whatever we like. And we have a bed in one of our departments (don't ask). So I got to nap for a bit. I guess I looked quite funny wandering around work, obviously still drunk, with pink sunnies on. I must have smelt about as appealing as a hobo's nutsack by the time the day was over.

I got myself a hair cut on Sunday too. Not just a cut, but a whole new style. I desperately needed a change and something to do. I went from past shoulderblades to neck length, layered. So most of it sits somewhere around my ears. I also dyed it.

I'm angry. Beyond words. Snarky and tired. I can tell some people but not others. I'm so hurt right now. I wanted to keep friends with the girl. That was my primary concern. But now I realise that I can't do that. I have to make ME my primary concern right now. There will be lots of tears. We shared a lot in the past.

I'm listening to angry music now. Early limp bizkit. It helps. There was a stage in my life where that was all I could go to sleep to. I hold to the anger now. It keeps me from sinking.

Raw adj - unnaturally or painfully exposed, brutally harsh

SR

You're an ass. A complete ass. It ended. But we didn't. We were supposed to be friends. I haven't even seen you since we stopped fucking. The last time I ever saw you was the day you had a job interview.

I can't believe you didn't even have the nerve to respond when I told you about the baby. That was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through. You probably thought I was lying. But take a second away from admiring your dick and think... to what end? Why would I tell you something like that. I had warned you previously that I had something quite important to talk to you about. You were curious and yet refused to answer your phone when I rang. Maybe you were pissed that I told you via text. Well guess what asshole, I'm pissed that I had no choice but to tell you that way.

There's a gift that runs in my family. We know things before they happen. I knew there was something wrong. I kept seeing a beautiful boy, tall, with curly black hair. He looked very much like you, but with my eyes. I've always wanted my kids to have blue eyes. So this man in my head with my eyes was confusing. They say that the first time a mother holds her children is one of the most vivid experiences in her life. Damn straight. I'll always remember the Tuesday afternoon I held my baby boy for the first, last and only time. I thought it was a strange menstrual cycle. I looked at him and I knew. The last time we were together was the day before my ovulation. Maybe you mis-timed pulling out, or I had something on my hands. Who knows? Three weeks later I was the proud mother to a piece of flesh, torn from my body.

But always a piece of my mind.

Losing it was a relief. At the time. I had so much emotional stress, adding another would have killed me. But towards the end of last year it started to eat at me. I had to tell you. Now you hate me.

I just spoke to one of my best friends. You've been talking to her for quite a while now. And being a deceitful shit you pressured her to keep it between you two. Its developed into a relationship. She told me today. We discussed the baby. She'd mentioned it to you. You thought I was lying. End of story. She knows I wasn't. So now you probably think I'm some kind of psychotic weirdo. I know my friend is going to get hurt. I think she does too.

Do you want to know the bit that sucks the most? I'll tell you. When I was assaulted YOU were the only person who didn't think I'd done something to bring this upon myself. It took guts for people to ask if I'd slept with the guy. It took understanding of me to know there was something wrong with him. I'd think that anybody who understood me that much would know lying isn't my style.

A gigantic fuck you to you too.

Phish

Right now I feel like slitting my wrists. What did I do?

What next!!!

Telemarketers now come to your door, apparently.

We just got visited by some guy representing an electricity company. Trying to get us to convert to his company. I know from experience, that Robyn will fob off telemarketers. This guy comes up to our apartment and begins talking to me about the electricity bill. I tell him that the bill is in Robyn's name. She's standing right next to me. He continues talking to me about the benefits of switching. We are supposed to give him our last electricity bill for this to happen.

I've had stalkers before. I am immediately sus about this and seek clarification. Yes, we do have to hand over our bill, with our personal details on it. Ahh. Ok. We're really looking forward to doing that.

NOT!

Robyn and I exchanged this look. And I interrupted this guy to tell him that we were going out, so if he could give us a brochure we'd look at it some time.

Unfortunately the brochure has already been 'misplaced' in the bottom of the 'trash'

CDB

Ok. I'm jumping the gun a bit here but I need to get something out of my head.

I've recently started texting cute dancer boy again.

*insert backstory here*

A few months ago I had arranged to catch up with one of the guys at dancing that I really liked. His schedule and my schedule (for what it was back then) didn't correlate. Every time we put it off we added something extra to it to sweeten the deal. We ended up arranging to out for coffee, dinner and a movie. On the night when we were to finally meet up, he texted me to say he was still at uni and he'd be a bit late. Then he rang 20 minutes after we were supposed to meet, and cancelled. I saw him once since then and it was as awkward as ass.

I haven't seen or spoken to him since.

*continuing on*

So I started texting him again. I don't have quite the same attitude to him as I did before, but I do still like him. I think the shift has been because we haven't seen or spoken to each other in quite a while. He'd be perfect to have as a f*ckbuddy. He still has his busybusy schedule, and I am still fiercely independent. But I won't know until we see each other next week.

But I feel guilty. I am in love with someone else. Someone who I think loves me too. But we cannot be together because we are apart. I dreamt of him last night. A sex dream. And god was it good.

So I can be sexually frustrated or I can be true to myself.

And being sexually frustrated isn't being true to me.

MY GOD I WANT SEX!!!!

Bad Uterus!

My damn uterus was giving me assholes today. Period pain much! It only shut up when I gave it some drugs. Its still in a bit of a stupor, so its behaving itself right now. Hooray for codeine!

Moving right along. I went shopping this afternoon after work. I ordered the blade trilogy on DVD a few weeks ago, and it still hasn't come in. I check every time I'm over at westfield, which is kinda alot, since I live across the road!

So I was in there today, and I saw they had The Sound of Music on sale. Holy fuck did I grab that little baby smartly. Its playing now and I'm blogging in between picking at my face and the good bits. And I have the following thoughts

• How hot is Captain Von Trapp! Except for his hair.
• Leisel is soooo not 16. Not with a rack like that.

I need to shave my toes. Not that they're hairy. I have about 8 hairs on each big toe. Once or twice a year they piss me off and I get rid of them. I plucked them once. Hurt like a motherf*cker!

I also need to exfoliate my toes. Stupid moisturiser has stained all of my healed blisters bright yellow. I look like I've taken up smoking with my toes!

"No more yellow palms"

Horseshit! Haha. I just spelt that as horeshit. Maybe its both.

Horeshit I tells ya!

I did say a few posts ago that I love my skin. Which I do. Part of the reason is because it tans so well. Or it used to before I started working in a fluorescent hellhole. Not the dark tan of someone who spends the day trying to turn themselves into a lobster. But a nice light tan, an even spread of honey colour.

But, as I said, I work in a hellhole with no natural light. So I am very pale. Reflectively pale. So I decided to get some gradual tanning moisturiser. I've been using it for two days and all I have so far is a perpetually dirty look and what appears to be severe jaundice of the palms and fingertips! I look like I've suddenly taken up smoking, and have decided to make up for every smoke I've never had in my life. I have 'nicotine stains' all the way down to the KNUCKLES.












I tried this a while ago and I had the same problem. I also had some other... concerns.

1. I have no-one to moisturise my back. So I have to overlap heaps, or have a tiny little spot in the middle of my back that is white as white.
   
2. If I overlap an area will it be darker?
   
3. I have to wait for it to dry. Usually I do so by standing in front of a fan/heater in 'scarecrow' position for about 10 minutes.
   
4. It smells. My other moisturiser smells like vanilla. It smells so nice I had to taste it. And for the whole of the next day I smell like vanilla. With this one... I smell like old body.
5. I've also heard it rubs off. Which is a shit.
   

Bloody cats.

Picture this. A gorgeous black cat with clear white paws, nose and chest. She's big. Over 6 kilos. And about as delicate as a cabbage. With a beautiful sheer gold bow tied delicately around her neck. A beautiful study in contrasts.

Going through the friggin garbage.
By popular demand - the evidence.

Easter Banality.

So its Easter. I want to pass on the same message to you all that I did to my friends.

"Happy Easter Everybody. This bunny wishes you youthful chocolate, aged grog, and flexible partners!"

I know I'd like that for Easter.
****

Moving right along. I just saw Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Happily N'Ever After. If you only go see two animated movies this year, go see these. Especially if you liked the TMNT as a kid. Sure, Shrek III will be good, but its part of a series, you know whats gonna happen. These are new and fresh. Go see them.

BTW, is it wrong to lust after a bad-ass teenage turtle? Mmm. Raphael.

****

I have a question about blogtiquette. I regularly read (and have blogrolled) the blogs of people who don't visit here. Which I'm fine with. I'm not worried that these people don't visit me. I find them intriguing and entertaining. I personally try to visit people who drop over here regularly.

Is it rude to not go visit people who regularly visit you?

****

Since Easter is a time when we celebrate and eat chocolate, it is also a time when we feel guilty about all of the calories we've ingested.

So I propose this. EVERY female who reads this is tagged. List 10 things you are absolutely in love with about your body. WITHOUT referring to anything in a negative way. These must be purely physical things you love. As females with functioning eyes, ears and brains, we are constantly getting crap shoved down our throats about societies notion of beauty, and this never fits with the way we are. So I think its time we fought back and affirmed to ourselves that we are beautiful.

I'll go first.

1. I love my boobs. Large and soft. Very attention grabbing. As much a part of my personality as my looks.
   
2. I love my eyes. They are kinda almond shaped, with eyelashes to die for. Hazel in colour. So at first glance they are an interesting brown. But when closer attention is paid, you can see moss green flecking in the centre.
   
3. I love my bottom teeth. They're so funky. I should have had braces as a kid, but I never did. And now my bottom teeth are the secret to my most successful grin.
   
4. I love my lips. Generous and full, with a well defined cupids bow. Never chapped or cracked. They look like a smile is creeping at the corners most of the time. They are a dream to own.
   
5. I love my nose. Long and straight. Perfect for the tiny stud in the left nostril. If I don't have it in people comment that I'm missing something, but they can't quite pick what it is.
   
6. I love my forearms. Very smooth, with light coloured hair. Beautifully toned, without me having to work on it. The upper side is a little tanned, where the inside of my wrist is milky and smooth.
   
7. I love my skin. It looks so smooth and soft. I don't think I've ever had a massive break out in my life. Small scatterings yes, but never more than about 6 small pimples. And its 'ivory' coloured. So it goes extremely well with very dark, warm tones. Which is the reason I (and the other chickies in my family) can pull of red hair so well.
   
8. I love my ankles. Solid but well defined. Not bony, not fat.
   
9. I love my beauty spot. Yep. I have one. On my right cheek, on the lower edge of my cheekbone, directly under the outer point of my eye.
   
10. I love my collarbones. Strangest one of all so far, huh? Well its true. They're not prominent. But subtly well defined.

I think every girl will need something like this at least once in her life.

Things to remember if you get reincarnated as a dog

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the
bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it
up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like
the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in
the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard
with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for dad's
driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the
toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage,
because I don't want to have a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not play "roll around in the dirt" after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of
saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the
right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to
their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because
the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt makes people put me
outside.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Time for a Tinkle?

I can recite the whole of the sorting hat's song from the first Harry Potter.

You know its time for you to change your contacts when you rub your face and one of them simply falls out.

Married Man doesn't wear a wedding ring.

Talking to the secretary at work today and she wished me a happy Easter, and hoped that the Easter bunny would visit me. I commented that I already had gotten some Easter presents. And she said 'no, I hope the real Easter bunny comes to visit you, a six foot tall one.' To which I replied 'at the moment I'd settle for an eight inch battery operated one!'

Its said that the first sign of insanity is talking to yourself. I already do that. And reply. I pose the question 'if that is the first sign, then what number would you allocate to waking up at 3:06am, staring at the clock for 10 minutes singing 'ooh eee, ooh aah aah'?'

10 things

This is the deal. I got given a letter by Melissa. I have to list 10 things that I like and 10 things that I dislike, beginning with that letter. If you want to play along, leave me a comment and I'll allocate you a letter.

And now... to begin

I like

1. Dogs. Yep. Faithful and stupid. Kinds like men.
   
2. DD's. Thats my boobs for those not in the know.
   
3. Dicks. Real ones.
   
4. Ducklings. How cute are they?!?
   
5. Deer. They taste good. Rhymes with beer, which is something else I like.
   
6. Dancing. Partly because it gives me an excuse to buy expensive shoes.
   
7. Dixie chicks. I'm a country girl at heart. Although I'm adapting remarkably well to the city.
   
8. Drinking. Bourbon, gin and vodka are my faves.
   
9. Documentaries. I'll pick animal ones over the others, but anything thats educational is interesting.
10. Denim. Most of my wardrobe is based around what goes with jeans.
    

1. Dieting. I'm not on an official diet. I'm on a "healthy eating and exercise plan". That way I can still binge. But only in moderation.
   
2. Dumb asses. Stop fucking talking to me.
   
3. Dangerous drivers. I'd like to arrive at my destination alive please.
   
4. Devil horn thieves. Someone 'accidentally forgot' to leave my devil horns after they left my house mates 21st party. And they 'accidentally forgot' to return them too.
   
5. Domestic Violence laws in Australia. Seriously. They have this "To Domestic Violence Australia says no" campaign. But its bullshit. Because if you go to the police with a domestic violence case they do sweet fuck all about it. End rant. Else I might burst a blood vessel in my brain.
   
6. Disease. Specifically ebola. Whats not to be afraid of there?
7. Damn Minorities. They come in here and steal all of our jobs. Nah. Just kidding. I don't like racists, bigots, chauvinists, or other small minded people. Seriously, give your brain some room to move. The people you hate bring in some amazing cultural advantages to this beautiful country.
   
8. Damn Immigrants WHO DON'T INTEGRATE. I heart me some immigrants (see above point). But the ones who don't want to learn our culture, and will disrespect the people who love this country, really, really piss me off.
   
9. Dentists. My teeth are crap, they're expensive and hurt me lots.
10. Dark Rum. Seriously. Even a whiff and I'm yak-tastic.
    

By popular demand

The shoes













The dress

















The LBD. But its a two piece.
























And just for the guys who suffered through that post...


A reward.

Its after midnight. I have just come back from a dance social. I've removed my make up. And am sitting in my gorgeous dress, listening to Ace of Base, eating M&Ms (penut, duh!) and poking my big fat belly cuz my posture's gone to shit and its poking out in all of its jiggly glory. My feet hurt. I've taken off my shoes. I'm quite comfortable, sitting with my right leg tucked under my left thigh.

Off in the distance I can hear possums yelling at each other. I feel like I'm the only person in the world right now. I can't even hear traffic. I don't know if my roomie is asleep or out. There is no light peeking out from under her door. The cats are wandering around, waiting for me to go to bed. They'll be waiting a while yet. I'm normally quite exhausted after dancing. But tonight is different. I suspect for many people.

The people at dancing are my family here. I have my uncles and aunts, who are my mentors and teachers. I have my cousins, who are younger and I get along with extremely well. I have brothers and sisters. I even have a father figure. Dancing Dad. He taught me at the beginning, before I knew any of the others. And he is by far my favourite person at dancing.

And tonight I found out he has a brain tumour.

Its cancerous.

I saw him two days before he found out. And he seemed fine. The day after I saw him last he complained to his wife that he was having problems with his vision. He went to the optometrist. Who referred him to an ophthalmologist. The next day he had an MRI.

I hadn't seen him in two weeks. He was in hospital all that time. Recovering.

Its quite a shock.

I think I'll sit here quietly for a while.