Sew! A needle pulling thread!

Sorry, its an in joke. IN MAH HEAD!

I'm going a touch loopy these days.

If you can define a bodyslam as a touch.

I'm really struggling these days. Work has been especially stressful. The HR manger despises me. My boss is still shitty with me. I am just a shitty low minion. I have been forcibly reminded of that and it makes me feel like shit. We have had our annual performance reviews the last month. Everyone else finished loong ago. Mine was a few weeks after everybody elses. HR has been interefering with my doctors visits. They want to know how I am being treated. What medication I'm on. What dosage etc. Their reasoning is that they want to know that I am safe to work. They scheduled my review for after they had gotten enough out of my doctor. He cannot give them anything without my consent. It makes me sick. I cannot get away from it.

All of the other shitty low minions had their performance reviews with the boss and the supervisor. Mine was with HR and the boss.

I had a stress migraine instead. Its the worst migraine I've ever had. I could not even open my eyes in a darkened room. I did not want to eat, but was so nauseous that I could barely keep down water. I slept. A lot. I stayed home the day after too. My brain felt loose. Meaning that, if I turned my head too fast, I'd feel my brain clunking around in there. I popped asprin like candy for 2 days. I did the maths while waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in on the second night. The amount of asprin I had consumed would have caused a minimum of 500ml internal bleeding. Not to mention that I bleed easily enough anyway. And my meds strictly statre not to take with anticoagulants, specifically asprin. Asprin inhibits clotting, my meds exascerbate bleeding.

Then I got up and took enough codeine to knock me out for the night. I know its dangerous. And I really don't care. My shrink wants me to stop caring. But I don't think in this way. I had to go to work the next day. So I had to go to sleep.

On the plus side. I have stopped cutting myself. Downside - I've found new ways to self harm. And they leave gigantic bruises that take forever to heal. But at least bruises are easier to explain than cuts. Hey, I'm a klutz remember?

I don't think I will last long in this place. Something has to give, and if it doesn't, then my life is going to get seriously ugly. I hate this disease. Its hard enough to fight with support, but unsupported, its gut wrenching and life threatening.