Friday, November 26, 2010

Sew! A needle pulling thread!

Sorry, its an in joke. IN MAH HEAD!

I'm going a touch loopy these days.

If you can define a bodyslam as a touch.

I'm really struggling these days. Work has been especially stressful. The HR manger despises me. My boss is still shitty with me. I am just a shitty low minion. I have been forcibly reminded of that and it makes me feel like shit. We have had our annual performance reviews the last month. Everyone else finished loong ago. Mine was a few weeks after everybody elses. HR has been interefering with my doctors visits. They want to know how I am being treated. What medication I'm on. What dosage etc. Their reasoning is that they want to know that I am safe to work. They scheduled my review for after they had gotten enough out of my doctor. He cannot give them anything without my consent. It makes me sick. I cannot get away from it.

All of the other shitty low minions had their performance reviews with the boss and the supervisor. Mine was with HR and the boss.

I had a stress migraine instead. Its the worst migraine I've ever had. I could not even open my eyes in a darkened room. I did not want to eat, but was so nauseous that I could barely keep down water. I slept. A lot. I stayed home the day after too. My brain felt loose. Meaning that, if I turned my head too fast, I'd feel my brain clunking around in there. I popped asprin like candy for 2 days. I did the maths while waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in on the second night. The amount of asprin I had consumed would have caused a minimum of 500ml internal bleeding. Not to mention that I bleed easily enough anyway. And my meds strictly statre not to take with anticoagulants, specifically asprin. Asprin inhibits clotting, my meds exascerbate bleeding.

Then I got up and took enough codeine to knock me out for the night. I know its dangerous. And I really don't care. My shrink wants me to stop caring. But I don't think in this way. I had to go to work the next day. So I had to go to sleep.

On the plus side. I have stopped cutting myself. Downside - I've found new ways to self harm. And they leave gigantic bruises that take forever to heal. But at least bruises are easier to explain than cuts. Hey, I'm a klutz remember?

I don't think I will last long in this place. Something has to give, and if it doesn't, then my life is going to get seriously ugly. I hate this disease. Its hard enough to fight with support, but unsupported, its gut wrenching and life threatening.


Ute said...

Don't put your health second to these assholes. I don't reckon the friction at work is worth it... no one who makes you feel like shit is worth going in to work each day.

It amazes me that there are still ignorant fuckwits around who wont accept mental health issues as a real disease. They fob it off as a weakness...

Hang in there lovely.

suze2000 said...

I never wish depression on someone but those c*nts at your work sure deserve a dose. I really hope one day they have an experience with mental illness that shows them how uncompassionate they've been with you. Hang on.

Shelly Rayedeane said...
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