Saturday, June 30, 2007

Hands up

I like my hands. They're very unique. I have very large hands. I swear, if I was a guy, and naive chickies were looking to 'measure me up' via hand size, I would definitely be in the 'get his number' category.

When I was doing statistics at uni, we got to pick a project, collect some data and analyse it. A friend of mine randomly suggested that I should measure middle finger length. I did. We measured 20 guys and 20 girls, all of the right hand, from base of knuckle to fingertip. The girls ranged from 8.4cm to 11.1cm. I was 10.7 cm, which was in the top 25% for finger length for our sample. For interest sake the guys ranged from 10.2 to 12.2.

So from this you can figure that I have quite large hands for a girl, though not freakishly large. The fingers aren't short or stubby. They are quite solid. Not slender, but apart from the pads, they could be almost considered bony. My knuckles are quite big, but not prominent. There are no knots of veins sprawling across the back, but you can see some of the veins because my alabaster skin is almost transparent.

The nails are nice. Not too long. Currently they are due for a trim. The white tip is neither clear, nor discoloured. So they only need to be cut when they get too long to work with, or they chip. Usually it's done when they shit me. I have never chewed my nails. I might be sexually frustrated, but I'll stick to peeling labels of bottles and chewing ice thanks.

Someone recently commented to me that there is no way I am the weight that I am. There is an answer to this. I have very big, dense, heavy bones. Don't get me wrong. There's still a fair bit of fat there which has got to go.

I once had a debate with a uni mate of mine. I was saying I was fat, she was saying I was also big boned. She ended up grabbing my wrist and demonstrating. There was (never has been) any fat on my wrists, and yet she couldn't even circle her fingers around it. When she did the same to her wrist I realised. She could close her fingers, and even overlap the tips to the knuckle. When I buy a watch I can never get the band done up past the first or second notch.

So to this person, no. I might not look that weight, but I am.

What are your hands like?


I feel like shit right now. I feel fat and bloated and about nine kinds of hurt. Its the sluts birthday today. And I can't stop thinking about how she betrayed me. Just when I think I'm doing well something like this happens. I fucking hate the whore. There, I said it. I hope she has a fucking miserable day and she thinks of me at least once. I hope she thinks of what she traded me in for and she honestly wonders if it was even worth it. But she's a mindless twit who doesn't have the capacity for original thought.

I went shopping today to try to think of something else. Picked myself up a top pretty easily but had to scour four shops and try on 13 pairs of pants before I found the perfect ones. Normally when you find perfect anything you want to celebrate right? I wanted to cry.

Well happy fucking birthday whore. You don't deserve anything good in life.

Zzxyx Road, Stone Sour
I don't know how else to put this
It's taken me so long to do this
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight
My muscles feel like a melee
My body's curled in a U-shape
I put on my best but I'm still afraid

Propped up by lies and promises
Saving my place as life forgets
Maybe its time I saw the world

I'm only here for a while
But patience is not my style
And I'm so tired that I gotta go

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through

Tell me I should stick around for you
Tell me I could have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go

I get to go home in one week
But I leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry

I'm following suit and directions
I crawl up inside for protection
I'm told what to do and I don't know why

I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family
I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired that I gotta go

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
You still don't think I'm going see this through

Tell me I'm a part of history
Tell me I can have it all
I'm still to tired to care and I gotta go

Friday, June 29, 2007

Your holidays begin now

Its no secret. I hate my job. Its menial. I like to think. Its underpaid and I feel that I am underappreciated. I'm sure I've bitched about this before, but my supervisor doesn't even know what I know. So he'll spend an hour explaining something to me that I understood at first glance. Or I'll understand something, explain it to him, have him go talk to someone with a PhD to get them to explain it to him, and come back and explain to me everything I already told him! I shit you not. This actually happened.

So I've been applying for jobs in research. I figure I have a science degree (even though it is only an applied science degree) so I might be able to weasel my way in as a technical assistant or something like it, and get some on the job training. I didn't think that I had what it takes to make it in that way, but once Green Eyes learned that I am degree qualified, he provided much encouragement. He seems to honestly think that I am definitely able to make it in that field, going as far as to be a reference for me.

I have recently seen a job that is perfect. And I applied. Applications closed yesterday. I got a call back today and arranged an interview for next week. My first reaction was to jump around and scream and yell. I even bit my knuckle. I was so excited. Then came the dancing.

I immediately texted Green Eyes and a current workmate (who had the day off)
"I have an interview. Cue crazy Jim Carrey like jumping around, air punching and humping, screaming 'yes YES YEEES' in about three different inflections!"

Just what I need on my last hour of work before holidays!

Moving on

I don't know about you, but that position looks murderous on her hips. And his bum looks absurdly small.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Purple Shirt Guy

I always have fun when it comes to the biotch. We go shopping together, bitch about guys and catch movies. Its a blast because we check guys out, encourage each other and stop each other when necessary. We also have a system with checking out. We spot one which might be interesting, direct the other to it, and look away. The other then checks it out, comments, and looks away. Then its the firsts turn to look.

It gives us both a chance to perve, without being really obvious.

Last night we went to dinner before catching a movie (Knocked Up. Excellent). I was sitting there talking to the Biotch when this really hot guy walked in. I saw him immediately and simply said 'purple shirt guy' and let him have his run. He agreed the guy was ok (I thought freaking hot, but he was my type) and commented that he'd come in with a girl.

Purple shirt guy left the girl to order, and made a beeline for the seat next to me. Before he'd even sat down he started to chat me up. I responded politely. He hadn't even noticed that I was dining with a guy. I know this because after about two minutes of trying he started to ask me something, glanced over, saw the biotch and kinda went 'oh, don't worry' in a very apologetic tone.

During this I was wondering if the girl he came in with was his girlfriend. Cuz if she wasn't, I was so in. I found out very quickly that she was. She was all over him. Like she was marking his territory.

I know this guy was a player. And it made me feel kinda cheap to have him even try to chat me up when his chickie was in visible range. He definitely set off my play-dar. Which is quite well tuned.

Ladies. If you feel the need to mark your territory, dump it. You don't need to mark it if its really yours. Also if he doesn't initiate any affection when in public, and doesn't respond with anything other than obligation when you do, dump it. Unless you like putting a broken heart back together.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Riddle me this?

I read an article in this months Cosmo and it really got me thinking. Yes. Cosmo articles and thinking do apparently go together.

The article in question is about when its ok to do things in a new relationship. Well, since I've NEVER been in a decent relationship I devoured that article. Most of it was common sense, when to have the first kiss, when to have sex for the first time, when to say the L word. There was something there that jumped out at me and beat me across the back of the skull.

Apparently its common for adults to do 'sleepovers' somewhere between date #1 and the date when you have sex (which is usually #3).

Is this for real? I have never even heard of this. Am I some kind of retard? Don't answer that. Do people honestly do this? To show that you're capable of non-sexual intimacy? Don't you want to get the awkward and fun bit over with? I have intimacy issues, and sometimes I need to be something to induce cuddling. Don't get me wrong. Once I'm comfortable I'm damn affectionate. But I'm not always that comfortable until after we've played hide the sausage. Or suck the sausage.

That whole concept seems kinda weird to me. Australia is currently in a drought. Does God tease us with fog when we need rain? No! Just give us the damn rain. We'll deal with the repercussions afterwards.

I haven't had sex in 8 months. So by the time I do get around to this again (about another 8 months), are you telling me that I have to be intimate with a guy without having sex? Can I do it myself? In the very least I want it in the morning, before I go to work. That way I'll be sure to have a smile on my face.

What say you?

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

"Breast Secret"

Well its no secret I love my boobs. Anybody who's been here in the last two years will know that. And anybody that has ever met me knows in about 3.4 seconds.

So when I found out that Mr Underhill was running 'Breast Secret' I was totally up for it. The way its goes is this - you write a secret on your 'bare' breasts, take a picture, email it to him and he posts it anonymously on his new blog. What a bloody good idea!

So I wrote my secret, and took my pictures. Then I sat down to carefully compose my email

'Maybe I should start penis secret. Do you reckon guys would go for it? Any excuse to show your wares kind of thing?'

Then I attached my pictures and sent it along its merry way.

The page still hadn't been updated a few days later. I wasn't concerned. Maybe he was just lazy. Then I got an email from him. In the address listed here. He was telling me that comments weren't enabled (I was still tweaking the layout) and when was I going to contribute?

I carefully checked his email address and realised I had shortened the 'mister' to 'mr'. I had sent pictures of my sweet innocent girls to some complete random with a smutty message written on them. Oh the shame. But whoever got the email didn't even bother to respond. And it sure as hell didn't bounce back to me.

How rude is that? I take the time to flash them by email, and they don't even thank me for it.

And when you drop by, they're not posted yet. He alleges he hasn't received them. Am I going to have to flash the whole web to get them up there?

Monday, June 25, 2007

A show of support

When I met Fel in college, her Mum had terminal breast cancer. She was diagnosed half way through Fel's final year of high school, and given three months to live. Fel adored her mum. From the sounds of things, she was an amazing person and I'm selfishly glad to have not met her, because her loss would have been shattering.

Fel was a very high achieving student. And when she received the news her grades absolutely tanked. Her mother lived for a year. Passing away shortly before exams in '02. Fel got the call to make a trip back home about a week or so before. She came in and told me that she would be leaving, could I water her plants and she hoped she had enough money to get petrol. I immediately handed over my last $20 and bade her to drive safe.

She went into her room to throw a bag of stuff together. It must have taken about 20 minutes. In that time I spoke to someone else in my hall who was (rightfully) quite popular and between us we made a quick whip around. I think we managed to raise $230 (or something like that). Pretty much everybody had a few dollars to kick in. People she didn't know were dropping by to wish her well and help out. The look on her face showed so much. Absolute relief. Gratitude. It was one less thing that she had to stress about. She knew that we were there for her, even though we couldn't be there when it all happened. It was an indication of our intention to be there if and when she needed us. If that even makes any sense.

A few people kicked in after she'd gone. I think we got her a card and some flowers. And a hallmate and I travelled to her home town, to just be there for her on the day of the funeral.

I'm telling this story so that you will understand that helping out/kicking in really does matter. Please, if you haven't done so already, check out a quick version of recent tragedies here.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


After a big night out there are two things I do as soon as my brain begins to function.
  1. See who I rang last night, call them back to apologize
  2. See who I texted last night, text them an apology
It seems I have to now add a third
  1. (<== imagine that says '3' right there instead of '1') See who I emailed last night. Cringe.
I had rather a big night. I met the Gay Biotch's boyfriend (for the first time) and we went karaoke-ing. I shall name him the Singer. And I got slightly intoxicated. I started on vodka, lime and sodas. I figured I'd hit 95kg so I'd stick to the not-quite-making-my-hips-hate-me type drinks. After about six of those, I somehow managed to switch to beer. The damn lime-sodas were going down so fast. The kicker is this - each type of alcohol affects me differently.

Vodka perks me up and makes me party. Bourbon cools me down. Tequila makes me take unexpected naps. Rum makes me hug toilets. Cocktails make me flirty and generally gives you a 100% chance of copping an eyeful of cleavage. Beer makes me talk. The more beer, the more inner dark secrets get spilled. If you want to know my life story, buy me two beers and just wait. Its embarrassing. And not something I want to expose people to at first meeting.

Yes, I did sing. I'm a terrible singer. For some reason God chose to endow me with fantastic breasts but no singing voice. I know I can't sing, so I chose 'party songs' like Loveshack, sung as a duet with the Biotch. That was fun. Apparently we were very entertaining. And he dragged me up to crash someone else's song. I thought he was dragging me up for a groove, but he went onto the stage and I just followed.

Anyhoo, as the night progressed, and after I had gone through that 'I love you' stage of intoxication, I started going through my phone. Texting people. Stupid move. Then when I got home I decided it would be a fantastic idea to email all of the bloggers in my email contacts to draw their attention to yesterdays post. *Cringe* For this guys, I'm so sorry. But I did get a kick out of how well written the email was, considering my level of inebriation, and I got a huge kick out of the last line.

"Now if you'll all excuse me, I've been drinking and need to vomit."

I didn't vomit. I ended up eating chips and going to bed.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I was a slammin' hottie last night too.

You can't even see my bingo wings. Huzzah!

But now I look like a vampire. Last nights mascara has smudged. I'm covered in glitter, bloodshot eyes and VERY pale.

I've just discovered that my Tourettes Pool post was put on the Australian index (search page 1, number 5) as an 'interesting post'. How awesome is that!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

So sad

I have just received an email from Avi which broke my heart. A blog mate of his has lost his five year old son under tragic and unexpected circumstances. Being directed to the blog site in question and all that was there was what I have already told. But there were two videos. Of father and child in question. I cannot bear to watch these videos. For all its briefness that post had me in tears. Its not my loss but I feel it all the same.

Avi has done something incredibly generous and selfless. Outpouring of support from complete strangers would seem (to me at least) shallow and strangely selfish. So Avi has set up a 'donation' system, though its not a registered charity so you need to get something in return. It has been devised that, in return for your donation, you can download some memorial graphics.

I cannot afford to make large or multiple donations, but I can help to spread the word. Please, everybody, take some time. Its a small donation to help ease the financial burden of a father who has just lost his son. But its more than that. Its a show of support.

Father and Son
Avi's donation post

Friday, June 22, 2007

Thanks, I made them myself

I recently bought two pairs of jeans. They were very plain, so I decided to jazz them up a bit.

I aplogise in advance for the quality of the pics. Numbers 1, 4 and 5 are a proper reflection of the colours. These will be best viewed in firefox.

Black jeans right pocket.

Black jeans right lower leg

Black jeans, back left pocket.

Blue jeans, lower left leg

Blue jeans, back left pocket

Blue jeans, right pocket

Dinner. Baked veges and chicken pastries. In the chicken pastry is a filleted chicken breast, topped with tabbouleh, feta cheese and a slice of shaved low fat ham. Yum.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Tourettes Pool

Way back in the day, I had a crush on a mate of mine. Is anybody out there surprised?

This was back at uni. I was part of the group that organised activities for the residential halls group, and I had a huge crush on the president of this group since day one. Unfortunately for me, from day six he started having casual sex with the senior resident* from my block. I knew the day after.

Despite this, we'd still flirt and he'd buy me drinks when we went out, and we connected. But every time I was out somewhere and talking to crush boy, the fuckbuddy would magically show up. I know I could have gotten him to leave her if I said anything, but firstly I didn't like the idea of a guy wanting me, but not making an effort to chase me. AND, even though I didn't like the other girl, I didn't dislike her either, and I definitely disliked the idea of 'stealing' him from her. Irritating and complicated much? This went on for about 6 or 8 weeks.

Anyhoo, one holiday period pretty much everybody had gone home. I was the only person in my hall, and crush boy had stayed behind. So we spent a fair bit of time together. We had meals together, bludged together, gossiped together. And I rang him up a few times to take me into town for shopping or to get some decent food. During this period I was also working for the hall. Some external students had come in for their studies, and I got to know some of them pretty well.

One night I was with the externals, sitting around having a few drinks. The hall was beginning to get repopulated as people got sick of their families and returned. I got a call from one of my mates. She was back and wanted to catch up. I traversed back to my hall to see her. Eventually we decided to go back to where the externals were. We had a few drinks with them, before we decided to leave. Between my hall and the externals was crush boys hall. We decided to swing by there. We dropped in on another mate who had recently gotten back and chatted to her for a bit. Then we walked on through to crush boys room.

I busted her lying in his bed. He was studying and was incredibly cranky at being disturbed. I theorize that it was because I had 'just' found out about them, and he realized he would no longer have a chance. I still believe this to be true.

My friend and I took the trip back to our hall. Where we went to the common room. I don't recall if we talked about it or not, but I know that I was really upset and would not have been inclined to delve too deeply. Instead we began playing pool. So I was smashing the balls around at random. One shot I actually lined up carefully and hit it perfectly, but the table sloped and it didn't go in. So I yelled at it. Then she yelled at it. Then I yelled some more.

Pretty soon we were stringing random obscenities together, regardless of whether the shot worked or not. For example
  • 'F***er, F***ng F***ed F***er,'
  • 'C***S***,'
  • 'A***W***er,'
  • 'Cr***y A**hole.'
These are just examples. Anything was within limits. The thing is, everything else was normal. And then we'd scream them out. And I mean literally scream.

But that was exactly what I needed. Just to get out the anger and the hurt.

I know I was hurt, but beyond that, I don't really remember it. The pool game and my friend are such vivid memories, and the memory is guaranteed to bring a smile to my face.

*The person employed by the hall to maintain peace and order
** They got together officially after that.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I always wondered

Why are porn 'stars' tongues so dirty?

Bits and pieces

You know you spend too much time on the computer when you have to write something by hand, and you wait for the little squiggly red line to appear a word that you know you've misspelled.


I had an eyebrow pimple today. I love eyebrow pimples. Cuz I can pop them and nobody notices. Any redness and swelling gets hidden by the very conveniently placed hair. I love to pop pimples. The really strange thing is that people are often complimenting me on my skin. I've seriously had people fawn over my skin. Its a bit disconcerting. When they ask me what I do to get such good skin all I can say is 'I pop pim-ples,' with minor inflection.


I loved Kez's comment yesterday

"It's all too much - I can't keep up, it's like I keep stumbling into the wrong blog... Until I'm confronted with your familiar bosoms!"

There is an element of truth to that. I think everybody I know has seen my breasts. And probably half of the people I don't know.

But I have some bad news. Truly awful. They're disappearing. Tragic much? Yes, you read right. My DDs are a glass seven-eighths full. I have to admit, I thought I was really lucky. In the last few months I've lost almost 10kg, and no change in the girls. Well, the girls have finally come to the party. They just don't seem as generous as they were before.

Let me set the scene. Someone gave me some chillies.
: I'm not that big of a chilli person.
Boss: You can put them in the freezer
Me: Nah, I'll air dry them
Boss: What
Me: Air dry them
Boss: How do you do that?
Me: .... With Air


I'm applying for a new job (tonight, hopefully) and was thinking about who to put as a reference. Its in Green Eyes' field of work. So I asked him today if I could use him as a reference.

GE: Of course, you can use me for whatever you want.
Me: *well I've got this cobweb problem...*

Then we got to talking about the kinds of questions you'd get asked as a reference. He makes me feel so naive, but not in a bad way. I wonder if her gets that really jazzed-up-but-calm feeling that I do after we talk to each other.


Its official. Winter is here. Want to know how I know?

Don't you see it? Look closer.

*lifts blanket by corner*


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

New Template

So, what do you think?

Better than the other one?

I personally think so. But your input is appreciated too.

I'm thinking of renaming my blog next.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Whats the difference between like, love and lust?

Spit, swallow and gargle.

I don't particularly like my layout at the moment. Its got quite a lesbian feel to it. Not that I have anything against lesbians, but its just not me. If I have some half nekkid chick glaring seductively at my readers I want it to be me. So I'm browsing for something else. Plus when I click on a post in my dashboard, it doesn't bring it up with comments. It used to, but it doesn't now. Its such a tiny thing but its pissing me off immensely.

I need to redo my blog roll. I always need to redo my blogroll. le sigh. I would like to qualify why people are classed as they are.
  1. How often I read
  2. How often you post
  3. How humorous you are and how much I relate to what you write.
  4. How often you drop by here.
I know. Shameless isn't it? I think its because if you drop by here there's interaction, which makes your blog more appealing.

My links are getting insane. I use firefox. Which is kinda a belssing. I can simply select which folder I want to check, and it will open all the blogs listed there. My folders are labelled as they appear on the sidebar. I have 1 'lust folder', 3 'love folders', 1 'like blog' folder, 1 'new blog' folder, and a bunch of other blogs that have yet to be sorted floating around in my blog folder. On any given day I will ALWAYS check my lust blogs. Then I will check one or two of my love blog folders (at random) and maybe my like blogs. I really only check my new blogs when I have time to check everything else, so they might be really good, but they can take some time to get put into regular checks.

Rest assured, if you are in my blog roll, you are on my favourites list, and you do get checked at least once a week. Even if I don't comment.

Now thats over with. I had a really shit start to my day this morning. I scratched my car. Really badly too. Less than five hours sleep, and some guy this morning was parked in the entranceway to my garage. So I had to come out and pretty much straight away turn to get out. Unfortuantely I wasn't concentrating so I turned too early (I must have driven out of that garage at least 300 times) and my passenger rear fender copped it.

I could have cried. Car injuries like that are physically painful.


Found a new skin. Stay tuned.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Warning: Redhead enthusiasm overflow

This is something I was going to bitch about a while ago, but it was basically as a blog filler thing. So I didn't use it. It has now driven me pretty much insane and I have to get it out of my head else my brain is in danger of exploding and showering everybody within about 50 feet with grey goop.

I have some friends that are incredibly selfish. They have absolutely no idea about what other people are going through and cannot comprehend asking others about how they are feeling. These people aren't people that I see or speak to every day. In fact, they live interstate. So pretty much all of my conversations with them are limited to internet and messaging. Which, in this instance, works really well.

These people are fun to spend time with, they are intelligent and funny, and have varied points of view on a range of topics, and they're willing to help when it doesn't inconvenience them. Its not that they treat me as a doormat. They respect my opinions and listen to my advice. But if anything goes wrong in my life, I cannot turn to them. No matter what goes wrong in my life, they always turn it to a discussion about their boyfriend or ex girlfriend from three years ago.

This isn't just a feeling that I get. Because of our communication medium, there is documented proof. This is just about one person here. All conversations are verbatim, and all one liners have been contextualised.
  • He bitches about his job. How its so far from where he lives. How he works nights, and so has nobody to talk to because all of his friends work when he's free. He complains that my job is so much more exciting than his. He bitches that he never dates because of his hours. He wanted me to write his profile for some internet dating site.
  • Spoke to him a week or so after the whole 'SR's a fucking cunt' episode. Told him some shit had been happening. Directed him to my blog because recounting it still makes me cry (did it just yesterday). Saw him on MSN a few days after that. He checked out my blog, read a few posts (I directed him to how long ago that post was) but didn't go back that far. His words (in the context provided) were "u know me if its not right now i find it hard to connect to it." Two lines later, he's telling me all about a girl he had a crush on in high school.
  • Green Eyes told me about a fantastic job in Brisbane. Its too far for me, but I immediately thought that this person would be well suited to it. I told him the day I found out. According to my phone it was 03/June/07
Him: Hey can you look at the selection criteria of that [job title here] i need help answering it
Me: Email it to me and I'll get to it asap. When's the closing date?
Him: 12Th not much time
Me: Ok. I'll make a point to jump online at some stage with you and go through it with you

Him at 1:56am You could probably relate to the nightmare im in im out with firends watching the girl ive had a crush one for six years hook up with a guy she's know for five mins sorry to message so late but its hours til trains start and its this or kill myself
Me at 2 am: You know that sympathetic messages are harder to write at two am. Is this happening or is it a literal nightmare?
him at 2:21am No its happening we are at cabaret and she is sitting next to me on the lap of this guy kissing his hands are everywhere my mood on my first night out in months has gone from great to lowest of lows in seconds am leaving now alone and worst part is have to sleep at her place while she no doubt sleeps with him in time next room the thought alone makes me want to drive home but i can't

I begin composing text but fall asleep

Me at 4:35am At best I can tell you to broaden your horizons. The worst is pretty damn rude. I'll talk to you this afternoon
Me at 3:07pm I'm online now if you want to do that selection criteria

Ok. He's had a CRUSH on this girl for six years. Thats since HIGH SCHOOL. He's been through uni and had an extremely serious relationship since then. Which, incidentally, she ended because of his selfishness. He hasn't said anything to this girl about it, hasn't tried anything. AND he has admitted to me that the girl he had a crush on in high school (though no mention of if its the same girl) has recently become single, and he knows he has no chance with her
Him: So after I messaged you, me and martin left the club and went for a walk so he could get some food and i could get control of myself before crying (not that i told anyone that). we all went back to [girls] place and... well everyone had sex, so things turned out quite fun
Me: how did the job application go?
Him:didn't apply, never got around to talking to you about selection criteria with u
Me: and you are completely incapable of doing anything for yourself?
Him: but there are a few jobs i heard about when i made my initial enquiry.
omg, way to overreact
so i decided to apply for one of the ones coming up later
Me: you are an idiot. you bitch and moan and complain about how crap your life is, and you don't EVER take steps to do anything about it

Really twat face? You said you were all alone and had nobody there? Did Martin magically appear and was hungry?
NO apology for the 2 am wake up, which was what was pissing me off. Of course, thats not an inconvenience at all. No thankyou AT ALL for trying to help.

Him (via text): Fuck off phish i don't hate my life and i never asked you to find me a job thats not the only job out there thanks again for not caring about my good news as usual you love to crap on about yourself and only care about other when they are feeling down


And then I get textually bitch slapped for giving enough of a damn to try. AND I get insulted and made to feel selfish for only caring about people when they're down. Newsflash cunt... the only time you can give a damn about you is when you're feeling like shit. Because in the whole time I've known you, I've never known you to say something like 'I'm having a wonderful day, my life is great'.
Oh, and naturally if you don't hate your life, you don't threaten to kill yourself. The only goddamned reason I responded to that text in the first place was because of that little addendum and I honestly believed you were capable of it.

You don't have the qualification to get a job which pays more than you're on at the moment. So if you wanted to get into that field that was really your only shot.

I'm not the only person who knows you and is sick of hearing your whinging.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

The Great Weight Debate

I make no secret of it. I'm a 'larger lady'. A fatty if you will. Back when I did the 'Wanted' post I put my height, but not my weight. I did that deliberately. Not because I didn't want anybody to know, but because I was going to blog about where I'd been, where I am, and where I was going, weight wise.

I am 97kg. About 214 lb for those playing in the States. Two years ago, when I moved down to Sydney, I was about 120kg. About 265 lb. Now, I still have quite a long way to go. But go there I shall. I have little goals to meet along the way. Currently my goal is 95kg. A few weeks ago it was to be double figures. You have no idea how exciting it was to see that goal.

I currently a size 18. Approximately. Sometimes I need to go a size up for jeans that don't accentuate my vadge. Sometimes I need to go down a size for a top that flatters my breasts. I want to be able to consistently be able to buy size 16 pants. I'm pear shaped, so I'll be size 14 on top. That is my ultimate goal.

I love plus sized womens fashions. Now. As much as a few years back there was nothing for plus sized women. Well, really there were, but it was shit. Jeans that sagged, and tops that covered everything. I may as well have dressed as a goddamned nun. They never aimed to accentute anything. They just aimed to hide it all.

Now the current fashions are reflected in the clothes that we can buy. In fact, at Big City Chic, there are regularly sized 6 or 8 chickies going in and asking if they have anything in their size. Nowdays you can get anything to accentuate or hide anything you want. "Those jeans make your arse look great. Got muffin top? No problem, long flowy top. And they accentuate you boobs too!" "You like your shoulders - here have a halter." "You want to do layers? - take the whole store." "You don't like your thighs - this skirt or everything over there will cover that right up." "You're pale or dark skinned - pick your favourite colour. Its like a rainbow in here."

Now I'm loving my figure. I have always had curves, but now they're to DIE for. I have a fantastic personality, and a gorgeous face. I know that I can have pretty much any guy that I set my mind to. Yet some part of me is still held back.

You see, I was always the fat kid. I was always kinda on the outside. So while I get all of this male attention, and I admit I'm flattered by it, I don't really know what to do with it. I flirt. That's me. I flirt like I breathe. But I don't really know how to take it any further. Its something I'll have to overcome.

MissE has bought up some other issues I wanted to put in here, but forgot about.

Plus sized bras are freaking disgusting. Less than 4 years ago, I got my first ever black bra. Prior to that I had always had white bras. Except for one beige one. I was really fussy with them, but they were always kinda ugly. I'm talking granny bra ugly. Kudos to undercoverwear for their bras. They are comfortable, supportive and sexy. Kmart has also had a bra range that comes very close to UCW as far comfort, support and sexy go. But with a price tag of less than half. They have other ranges, but they aren't as well fitted.

Last time I bough underwear I bought this range exclusively. There was a large section dedicated to it, but there weren't really much left in the range of complete sets in my size. This was at least two months ago. They ran out of stock and haven't refilled. I emailed Kmart about this. Obviously if that range sold so well, it is quite popular. I haven't heard back

On another note. A while ago I mentioned emailing Whatswhat about their lack of plus size fashions on their site. I did get a reply. They are still managing the site and hope to have something up in spring. Note to all the plus sized ladies - sitting around and bitching about a lack of proper clothing/underwear/shoes IS NOT BLOODY GOOD ENOUGH. Put the word out there. Use your blogs if you have them, email, call. Nothing is going to happen when you're passive.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Two posts in one day?

My day so far

8:00 alarm goes off. Turn it off
8:15 second alarm goes off. Hit snooze
8:20 alarm goes off. Turn it off and play with cat.
8:30 get out of bed, dress, do hair, brush teeth. Brush teeth again
8:45 leave
9:00 dentist appointment. Two x-rays, a full mouth scan, one filling dug out and replaced, and a new one put in. Am informed that there are three more spots of minor decay. I love Australia's dental healthcare system*.
10:00 health care fund declines to pay dental bill. Call health care fund
10:15 still on hold
10:20 health care fund changes their mind. Instead of paying $419, pay $35. Smile alot, and possibly drool too
10:30 home. Buy tickets. Text people.
11:00 - 12:00 Blog, email people, download porn
12:00 decide may as well go to gynae today and get the foul scrape** over with.
12:30 shower. Shave armpits, legs and 'kini line. Clog razor multiple times and vow to keep 'kini line trimmer.
1:00 leave for doctor
1:20 in doctors surgery. Wait 10 minutes and get seen***. She violates me****. Get prescription refills for asthma meds, referral for STI screening. She won't give me contraceptive implant or HPV vaccination. Walk out with a vadge full of cheap arsed nasty doctor lube. Enjoy that thought boys.
1:45 take referral to pathology area. Nobody else there. Excellent. Will be seen soon.
2:00 anytime now. The nurse from the x-ray area says they should be around.
2:15 Where the fuck are these people?
2:30 she comes in, telling x-ray nurse she had to get her hair dyed. Comes in sniffing and coughing and spluttering. Puts her dirty hands all over my arm and steals my blood.
2:35 mouth feels fine. Dental anaesthetic has worn off. No pain, but have a dull ache from having mouth wide open for so long*****. Go shopping. Buy hot red babydoll top with faux halter that has hanky hem and shows lots of boob and doesn't make me look pregnant. Its on sale. Try on same top in mint green but I'm too pale. Tried on two pairs pinstripe pants. Same style, different sizes. Both gave me massive camel toe and were saggy in bum.
2:50 buy lunch. Chinese.
3:00 home. Eat lunch. Compose blog.
3:30 feel gross from lunch.
3:50 publish blog.

*Sarcasm. Its non existent. If I had access to health care when I was a poor student this would have been kept on top of.
**The scrape is not of something foul. The scrape itself is foul.
***Nuding up in front of a woman is by far THE MOST surreal experience I have ever had. I have no idea why women want to go to a woman for that. Women shouldn't play with my pink bits. From now on, I'll have my male GP do it.
**** Its kinds like getting vaccinations in high school. We all went in dreading the needle, and all came out bitching about how the polio goop tasted. Its the anticipation that kills you.
*****There are better ways to get a sore jaw.

How to lose your concert virginity in style

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Reasons I love gay besties

Him: "Lets go shoe shopping... for you"

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Fetish, n. An abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment; a fixation

So this is the post where I expose my secret, non sexual fetish.

Pyjamas. Yep. Its odd right? But I can't go shopping without checking them out. When change of season rolls around, I look forward to new jeans and shoes. I honestly don't think of new jammies. But as soon as I see them on the racks, in all their colourful, comfortable funky glory... its like they've got phish-magnet. My mental dialogue can run something like this.

"Shoes, pass. Jeans, ooh shiny bits. PYJAMAS!" Usually followed by that little 'p-chew' kinda noise they make in cartoons when something just disappears and all thats left in their space is dust motes.

Yep. I heart me some funky pyjamas. But I'm picky about them at the same time. They've gotta be
  • colourful
  • have short (or no) sleeves
  • feature a cute design/slogan
  • and be made of some type of soft, easy to care for fabric.
Which is kinda hard.

I've lost a bit of weight recently. So when I switched from my summer jammies to my winter ones... they fell off. Literally. So I HAD to go pyjama shopping. Which is ecstasy for me. I ended up buying myself a pair of purple snoopy pj's (dark purple bottoms and light/dark purple top, both with snoopy on them). There was also a pair of underpants with snoopy on it and 'no camera's please' written across the bum. There was a tweety set which was equally adorable, but it made me look like an old bumblebee. Picture Bumblebee Man from the Simpsons, but have him with grey stripes. That was me in that set.

I went pyjama shopping the day after and bought myself a pair of pale blue bottoms with yellow ducks on em. So cute.

One thing I do with my pyjama sets - I mix them up. If the top matches the bottom. I WILL NOT wear them together. I think that its too much of the same pattern and is thusly quite off putting. Even on rakes. So I pretty much chuck the top and use a plain white singlet instead.

But this infatuation isn't limited to just pyjamas. It extends to slippers. God I heart me some funky slippers. I don't have any at the moment, but my last pair were shaggy light blue with frogs on em.

And it extends to robes now too. I can't go shopping in target without going and feeling up all their soft robes. So I bought one of them too. Dark moss green. Because it goes well with my hair.

And it even goes further. I love funky sheet sets. For the Aussies - think 'teen home' range in Target, but nothing in pink. I am the proud owner of a set of Harry Potter bedsheets, featuring the Hogwarts logo. Similar to this pic, but with each quarter a different colour - maroon, blue, green and purple. Except I bought them when I had a single bed and now I have a queen. So they aren't actually on my bed ATM.

One night I was standing in my room at uni, in my lime green pyjama top, with multicoloured vertical stripe pants, blue fluffy frog slippers, magenta hair, next to my bed with Harry Potter bedsheets. I was on the phone to my crush-of-the-moment when another guy in my hall wanders by. He stops at my door, grins at me and says really loudly,

'Hey phish, you look like the kinda gal who likes to have fun in bed!'
And I am!

Moral to the story: If you see a chickie shopping for funky pyjamas. She probably puts out.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Why dear God, Why?

So I was just whipping up a quick dinner before I head off to dancing. Chicken in the oven? Check. Veges chopped and "pre-baking" in microwave - cauliflower, pumpkin, sweet potato, carrot? Check.

All set. Excellent. I had a bit of time to kill, so I decided to cut up some whole chicken breast and freeze it. Its a time/money saver to do this when you're single. Anyhoo, all of a sudden, as I'm chopping away, I can smell something... interesting.

Something very personal.

Something that I always hope to god nobody else smells.

I could smell my vibrator drawer.

In my kitchen.

I have to explain that smell right now. Actually, now that I think about it, it would probably be best to have explained what the smell was like earlier. Say at the beginning of the post.

It smells kinda like sex. But obviously only the girl side. Its not as salty and heavy smelling as couple sex. I clean them after use. Obsessively. My toys are clean. Let me reiterate. MY TOYS ARE FUCKING CLEAN. Or maybe I should say 'my fucking toys are clean'. Either way, it amounts to the same thing. The smell isn't strong. In fact, the only time you can smell it is when you've pretty much got your face in there, or just after you open it after its been closed for a very long time (which never happens).

So why the fuck am I smelling it in the kitchen? It was the cauliflower. Microwaved cauliflower smells kinda sweet, and I guess the raw chicken added the fleshy smell. Creepy huh?

I can only imagine the google searches that are going to link to this post.

Monday, June 11, 2007

I have a secret fetish

Care to guess what it is?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Daydreams and Desires - the finale

Daydreams and Desires Part 1
Daydreams and Desires Part 2

Laughing, he gripped himself and made to enter her. He gently flicked his cock against the wet, smooth opening to her pussy. Pulling away slightly, he moved himself upwards, rubbing the smooth, soft skin of his head against the warm wet bump that was her pleasure centre.

This was too soon after he went down on her, and she moaned and twisted away slightly, panting hard. He moved into position to enter her. Slowly pushing his cock into her, he felt her contract ever so slightly. Sliding slowly into her, he relished the feel of every ridge, every soft spot, as it hugged his shaft. He was moving too slowly for her. She began raise her hips, trying to get him into her faster.

'Oh no baby. Not let. Let me do it.'

She fell back, letting him enter her at his own pace, breathing ever so lightly. She didn't want to be distracted from the sensation of him entering her, rubbing where she hadn't been touched by him yet. When he was almost all of the way in, he began to thrust. Slow, shallow thrusts to begin with, teasing her, sliding lightly over all of her most sensitive zones.

'Mmmharder' she murmured in his ear. He obliged, slipping between her legs, pushing into her with renewed energy.

Abruptly he pulled away. She pouted and feigned displeasure. It was difficult since he was still over her and the proximity made her excitement hard to hide. She chose to nuzzle into his neck instead, kissing him briefly. She could feel his Adams apple vibrate as he said in a voice, gravelled by lust, 'I want you to ride me.' He felt her lips form a smile against his neck, and rolled off, laying back, holding his cock up for her.

She straddled him, planting a foot on either side of his hips for leverage, and slowly slid down his dick. With her on top, she was slightly tensed, and her pussy hugged his cock firmly. Since she was in control, she played his game, moving slowly, teasing him. He pushed into her, a move which surprised her. She exhaled hard, tensing even more. She ran her hands through her hair, showing him every inch of her body, unashamed by it. She sped up, eyes glazing slightly. Shifting slightly, she moved so her knees planted next to him. Instead of sliding up and down his cock, this new position was a combination of riding and rocking. It was a completely different sensation for both of them. He rubbed against her most sensitive areas, filling every inch of her.

She slowly lowered her hands, running them down her neck, down her collar bones to her breasts. She gave them a quick tweak and began to breathe harder. It tensed every muscle in her body, contracting around his cock. He reached out and put his hands on the soft flesh of her butt, encouraging her to slide harder and faster, his fingers digging in slightly. Her hands slid further down her body. One hand stayed at her pussy, playing with her clit. The other lay on the deeply grooved muscle running from his hip to his cock. She was beginning to come and he was getting close. Wanting to come at the same time, he pushed her off him and moved on top of her.

'My God' he gasped, looking down 'look at all that come on my cock.' Glancing down she saw it was true. There were streaks of her sweet come swirled all over his hard cock. He slid his hand over the creamy fluid, rubbing it in. When he got to the tip he guided himself into her for the last time. Thrusting with a new urgency, he hit all the right areas. His breathing began to shorten. He thrust harder, with more intensity; she gyrated and pushed against him. Curling her back, her legs slid up his, wrapping around him. Instinctively she tensed them, pulling herself closer to him, allowing for full deep and hard penetration. Her back arched and her head tipped back. She ran her hands up his arms once more, scrabbling at his shoulders for purchase.

Finally she just gave in. With a scream she clung to him. She could feel him sliding in her, over the slight coolness of her come soaked, twitching pussy. As she began the descent from her orgasm, she felt him come. He gave one last deep thrust in her, and tensed, partially upright, letting off an animal scream. He stayed in that position for a few moments, before slowly pitching forward, her pussy filled with their mutual excitement.

He leaned over her, stretching his hand over her shoulder so as not to collapse. Breathing hard in her ear, he gave a soft moan of utter contentment. Glancing over at him, she could see sweat peppered his brow. His eyes were vacant, staring straight ahead at nothing. His breathing slowed slightly, and he swallowed. She felt a wave of tiredness sweep over her and she closed her eyes for a moment.

'Make yourself useful and get this back to me by 4.' She opened her eyes. Her boss stood on the other side of her desk, grinning at her. His green eyes probed hers for a moment and she felt a flush begin to creep up her neck. His eyes skidded over her shoulder, where the blond office tart walked, her perfect spray tan legs being visually caressed.

'The partners need me to present it at 5.' Still not looking at her, he dropped the folder carelessly on her desk, turning to follow the blond.

Why are the hot ones always assholes?

Saturday, June 09, 2007

A long story with no point and no real conclusion

Sydney had quite a storm last night*. I usually finish early on a Friday. Being allowed to leave work early is FANTASTIC! It is equally as exciting as being let home after lunch in primary school. Which I remember to be almost pants wetting level.

I normally do my grocery shopping on a Friday night. There's less people around and parking is MUCH easier. And I can take my sweet ass time. I find that if I have a coffee and people watch before I shop, I leave at the tail end of peak hour. If I don't have the coffee I'm finishing my shopping and having to travel the two blocks back to my apartment in heavy traffic. Which is a pain in the arse.

So I'm heading to westfield, listening to the radio. The traffic reports come on. Its quite long. Which, seriously, no shit. Its crap weather. When something gets my attention. There is a roof on the road and wires down in some suburb. Excuse me, did you just say there was a fucking ROOF on the road. Like THATS NORMAL? Holy crap! Its pissing down with more force than a drunk racehorse. I feel sorry for Green Eyes, who rides a bike.

I get into my nice, warm, dry shopping centre and order my hot sweet (hip loving) latte and decide to text him. I asked quite a simple question. Is he riding home in this weather? Then begin texting the Gay Biotch. We'll be seeing Shrek 3 later that night (in past tense here. The movie was fantastic). He'll be heading in and meeting me pretty soon, we'll go to dinner then catch the flick. Good plan.

So I go shopping to wait. I'm considering weather the 2.5L laundry liquid that you use 1.5 caps per wash is more cost effective than the 1.4L laundry liquid that uses 1 cap per wash. Its not. When my phone goes off. Green Eyes has responded. Quite simple and straightforward. 'No'. Being female, I immediately start trying to read into it and absolutely freak out. Is it 'no, (don't contact me)'; or no, (I don't have your number anymore so I don't even know who the fuck this is)'; or is it 'no, (why are you texting me?)'. I'm about ready to start hyperventilating when I realise that I'm texting a GUY. For which a simple, one word response is acceptable. I asked him a question and he answered it. So a response in itself is a good sign.

I have to admit I was tempted to text him back again with a joke. But a one word text doesn't really invite more conversation. I also decided that I don't want to play games or lead him on. If he's available he's already interested, if I work to keep him interested it'll be overkill and he'll get bored. If he's not, then playing games will make it difficult for me in the end. So I left it.

Going into the cinema with Biotch I pulled out the mag I bought. Cosmo has a double sealed section dedicated to penises, which I ripped open with relish. We perused, laughing and joking, until the lights dimmed. The couple next to us must have felt a bit uncomfortable. It was obvious we were looking at dicks.

*I woke up this morning and found that the drinks fridge that lives on the balcony had been moved about three feet by the wind.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Daydreams and Desires II

Part I here

He moved around her body in a different fashion than she on his. Where she teased and scintillated, she still had a goal. It seemed that he didn't. He meandered down, breathing softly on her skin, before bringing his lips to that spot and applying the most gentle pressure. His lips felt soft and warm on her slightly cooled skin, and left small patches tingling in their wake. He made his way slowly to her nipple, taking as much of the soft, warm tissue into his mouth as he could. She moaned softly, pushing her chest upwards, encouraging him. He pulled away, and came back for more.

Raking his teeth ever so gently across the velvety softness of her nipple, the most exquisite sensations rippled through her. A tinging sensation ran from his mouth, sliding under her skin and spreading outwards rapidly. She gasped. Christ she was almost coming and he hadn't even gone near her pussy.

Her fingers slid up his arm, across the firm muscles of his shoulders to the back of his neck, where they twined in his short, dark hair. She pulled ever so gently, moaning. He stopped nibbling on her nipple, and gave it a quick suck in parting.

Moving further down her soft body, he gently kissed the spot where her ribs met, slowly meandering his way down to her bellybutton. When she couldn't stand his teasing anymore she located his hand on her hip. She laid her hand across his, and using light pressure directed it to her pussy. When he had positioned her hand where she wanted it to be, she squeezed it, forcing him to rub her wet pussy hard. The message was clear - pay attention to the cunt.

He pulled his mouth away from her stomach and looked up at her. She wasn't looking at him. She was staring straight up, back arched. She was definitely beginning to climax. He was still rubbing her, just the way she'd shown him. He could feel her wetness sliding over his palms, even though he hadn't spread her. He gently slipped his fingers between her moist lips and felt upwards. Her clit was easy to find, it was absolutely throbbing. He slid his fingers down again, and moved them inside of her.

Her tight pussy was so damn wet. Two wriggles and his fingers were sliding effortlessly to her most sensitive areas. He could feel the muscles that would later hug his cock beginning to spasm. She moaned. He marveled that he could get a woman like her in such a vulnerable position. Watching her he could see her hands sliding over her body, finally clenching at her breasts. He was sure she was coming. He moved his head down and gave a few tentative flicks with his tongue, tasting her sweetness. She moved her hips up to him, inviting him to take more.

He obliged. Pulling his fingers out of her to give him more room, be buried his face in her cunt. His mouth moved neatly over her clit and he sucked hungrily, flicking with his tongue. She screamed. She had never felt pleasure so sweet and intense. He legs moved up involuntarily either side of his head, and her hips started to gyrate.

She experienced this as an explosion. A series of ripples moved through her body, each more intense than the last. She was taken to another plane. She was vaguely aware that she was making too much noise. She was vaguely aware that she could barely breathe. She could feel him smiling against her pussy. She had no idea how long it lasted, only when he pulled away and began to move up to her again, her breath was coming in shudders.

She started when his voice murmured, soft and husky in her ear.

'Enjoy that babe?'

'Mmmyeah,' came her languid response. She was still coming, but with less intensity.

'I'm just getting started'.

She gave a throaty laugh and looked at him, focusing for the first time since he finished eating her. His pupils were massive, making his normally light green eyes look incredibly dark. He moved in to kiss her and she snorted back a laugh. Moving away slightly he frowned, looking slightly offended.

'You've got my come on your chin,' she whispered, half giggling, slightly apologetic, and 100% turned on. She leaned her head up to him and flicked her tongue out, licking it. He watched as her tongue slowly slipped back into her mouth, before reaching down to kiss her viciously. Tasting her pussy from her own mouth was one of the most unique sexual experiences he had ever had. His cock was harder than before, and he moved his hand down to guide himself into her and bring them together again.

Part 3 here

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I so had bloggers remorse about yesterday's post. But when I checked the comments I changed my mind. And when I got a phone call telling me how awesome it was, well, that sealed the deal.

I will finish the post. But I'm so not in the 'hot zone' right now. All I can think about is the mound of dishes I need to do. So I'll do it tomorrow.

Keep waiting in tingling anticipation.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Daydreams and Desires

She stepped out of the shower, skin tingling slightly. The water had been hot, and the room was slightly cold. Frowning, she wondered if it was worth putting the heater on. A smile creased her face as she thought of a better way to warm up.

Wrapping the towel around her, she walked into the bedroom. He lay in the bed, absorbed in something on the tv. She began to towel herself dry and felt, rather than saw, that she had his attention. Glancing over she saw that he was watching her, through half closed eyes. She smiled inwardly, placing one leg up on the bed, facing him, deliberately him a full view of her still-wet pussy.

She rubbed in small circles, paying close attention to her skin. That leg dry, she did the other, in the same fashion. She felt, deep within herself, rather than heard, him make the tiny, deep grunt that meant he was giving in to the tension. 'Fuck it' she thought, 'he can wait a bit'. She continued to dry herself, letting him see every small motion, and imagining that it was his hand, or mouth, or cock against her skin.

Finishing her ministrations, she dropped the towel. Turning away from him, she walked across the room, past the now forgotten television, to collect her moisturiser. Back across the room, to her side again. The tv is off now. No distractions. Still not acknowledging him, she proceeded to rub the lotion into her skin, in the same manner that she dried herself. She was aware that he twitched a bit as she caressed the smooth, milky skin of her inner thighs.

Moisturizing finished, she looked directly at him for the first time. In his eyes she saw lust that mirrored her own. She gave him a lazy smile, and stretched across the bed. She could feel the softness of the mink blanket against her skin. The instant warmth and its texture drove her crazy. She wanted to feel his skin on hers, his weight, his hands pressed into her. The blanket was luxurious and sexy, but it wasn't enough.

She leaned across further and kissed him teasingly. She wanted to draw it out, make it more intense. He kissed her back, with urgency that could not be contained. She stepped up the level of the kiss, caressing his tongue with hers. His mouth was so warm and his tongue so soft, but pushing so hard against hers.

She felt his hand moving up her body. She was unaware as to when he first touched her. Her skin tingled and she felt her nipples harden. His hands were surprisingly soft, but against the silky smoothness of her skin, they felt slightly rough. He gently caressed under her breast, turning his hands over so the backs of his fingers were the first contact. His finger ran up the soft curve, towards her nipple, stopping just short of it. She pulled away from the kiss and moaned softly. She wanted him to keep going.

He complied, leaving his finger there, but reaching over with his thumb to trap her nipple. Leaning up, he kissed her again, with all the urgency he could muster. Letting go of her nipple, he turned his hand over and grasped the soft tissue. It was surprisingly firm and exceedingly sensitive for her. She smiled into the kiss, and pulled away again. He reached for her to draw her into the kiss again, but she resisted, instead choosing to nibble the soft spot in his neck. He stopped then, and lay back, lazy all of a sudden, willing to let her explore his body.

And explore she did. Nibbling her way down his Adams apple and his collarbones. Kissing the line between his pecs, she moved sideways. One hand reached out to play on his nipple, while her mouth found the other. She sucked it gently, taking it into her warm, moist mouth. He twitched slightly and she glanced up at him. 'Ticklish' he mumbled. She grinned, and focused on his body again.

Moving further down, she came to his belly button. To one side of it she gently scraped her teeth across his skin. As her teeth came away she quickly flicked him with her tongue, and very slowly sucked, seeming to take an eternity to bring her lips together. He moaned. For real this time. Her hand strayed down his body, while she continued to tease his snail trail more slowly.

Finding his cock she laughed inwardly. She had never felt him so hard. Well, she had, but not this early, and never outside of her. She trailed her hand up the shaft, to the head, and down again, marveling that he was such a perfect size for her. She slowly let go of him, and cupped his testicles, gently squeezing them.

Her mouth was at his cock now. She flicked the shaft a few times with her tongue, each lick closer to the tip. Getting there she looked up at him, smiling. 'Suck it baby,' he moaned. Still looking at him, she softly opened her mouth and slowly moved it down over the head. Only when the whole head was in her mouth, did she apply any suction, gently running her tongue underneath it.

The result was instantaneous. The initial pleasure made him give such a guttural groan that it sent spasms through her body, making her wetter than she already was. The sheer force behind that groan made her want to feel him sliding in her, pounding all the right spots til she screamed. At the same time, he pushed his hips up, slipping more of his cock into her mouth. She ran with it, sucking and stroking, tasting him, feeling the soft skin stretched over the hardness beneath it. All she could smell was his excitement, and it was driving her crazy.

Pulling away, she looked up at him again. He was looking back down at her, appreciating the view. She slowly nibbled down his cock, tasting, feeling and smelling him. He was all around her, all she could focus on, and in that moment, her own desires faded. Pausing she took hold of him, stroking. He gave one hard breath out, before she took one of his testicles into her mouth. He sucked in a lungful of air. She held him in there, in the soft warmth, giving it a very soft suck, and letting it go again. He exhaled with a small moan. She focused on his parts again, softly nuzzling into his crotch to even out the treatment.

It felt soft in her mouth, but at the same time, slightly rough on her tongue. They both genuinely liked teabagging, and she fleetingly wondered if he knew it would happen more if he would trim his hair. It was time for her to glance up at him again, and holding him in her mouth, she began to stroke him. His breath quickened. She knew that he was close.

She held him upright, and licked the underside of his dick in quick flicking motions, all the way up again, pausing at his perfectly shaped head to swirl her tongue around it. As she went to put him in her mouth again he whispered 'no.'

'But I want to.'

'I'm gonna come.'

'Don't you want to?'

'I'm not ready, I want to fuck you first.'

She could feel him quivering in her hand, so she released him, hoping it wasn't too late, and moved up to his face to kiss him.

'But you're gonna come as soon as you're in me.'

'Mmm,' he murmured, 'not if I take a break to explore you first.'

Part 2 here
Part 3 here

Monday, June 04, 2007


This is something that I picked up from a fellow blogger. I suspect it might have been Me, but I'm not 100% sure, it hasn't been done in AGES.

Anyhoo. The song is Lost by Michael Buble. Lyrics in bold.

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the the wall
Kinda like humpty dumpty? Bet it fell in slow motion. Seems like you've got forever to catch that damned egg, but you... just... can't... quite... make it... in time. *smash*

If I only knew
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying
Man, are you blind? First you miss the writing, and now you can't see that she's been crying! Of course the good things never last. I don't buy good cake or coffee, or chocolate, and let it sit there while I admire it. Hell, even a hard penis will go away. Usually the better it is, the faster it seems to go.


Summer turned to winter
No. Autumn turns into winter.

And the snow it turned to rain
Finally, something right! Yes, it does rain. Especially when its warmer than ice cold. It also goes the other way. Rain to snow. Normally when its colder than ice cold.

And the rain turned into tears upon your face
No, that's really rain. She doesn't cry, remember?

I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
Oh, what time is it exactly? I have biscuits in the oven.


'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
Fuck me! You are a useless c*nt aren't you! First you are freaking blind. And now you get us lost. You should have stopped and asked for directions. Now we're both lost. Til tomorrow! What good is that. Bet you can't find the clitoris either.

'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
Oh yes, denial. Of course I'm not lost. Which means that, by default, you haven't' gotten me lost either. The reality is that you'll never find your way in the dark. Turn some damn lights on.

When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost
My world will never crash down. Its very Escherician. It supports itself from the corner above it.


Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
You tell me this now? Bit late. But thanks for your support.

It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
I'm reasonably sure that if you feel like you've gone crazy, you have. I worry more when you're not feeling crazy and you are.

Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away
Ok. So I'm IN your heart. I don't like it. Its very small and red and the walls of my cage are constantly moving. Plus its damn noisy. How the hell am I supposed to sleep in here?

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
We've been through this already. Prove me wrong. Find the clitoris.

'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
C'mon, its not that hard to find

When the world's crashing down
And you cannot bear the thought
I said, baby, you're not lost
Mmm yeah yeah, yeah yeah
That's my belly button. Try a bit further south.

I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
Ooh yeah yeah,
I said, baby, you're not lost
God I hate slow people. We are fucking lost already. Get used to it. Time for me to drive.

Insert title here

Today was as suckful as suckyness can suck.

  • Yesterday there was a backstabbing issue at work. With me on the receiving end.
  • I dreamed of talking to SR about my son last night. Which left me pretty drained before the day began.
  • I had frizzed hair. I put it up, in my usual bad hair day management style, and half of it stuck straight out.
  • I was tired.
  • I got started at work, only to hear the backstabber from yesterday bitching to the forked tongue about me, while I was clearly in hearing distance.
  • I was so shitted off with my workmates I skipped my morning break just so I didn't have to talk to anybody.
  • Married Man wasn't there to talk to, and Whatawaste came down when I was flat out busy and not able to talk to him. He won't be working with me much anymore.
  • And to top it all off, I just sneezed and ended up with snot all over my lips.
I have dancing tonight. Bring it on. I need this.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Things that shit me

This is my 300th post. Which is kinda a let down. I was expecting streamers and balloons and alcohol. Instead, I choose to create a post that seems to embody what I feel are the five most important aspects of my writing;
  1. A healthy dose of redhead rant
  2. Sexuality
  3. Humour
  4. Randomness
  5. Honesty
So I choose to tell you about something randomly sexual that pisses me off, in a TMI funny way.

Spontaneous Orgasms.

They're an urban myth right?


I speak from experience.

Yes. Experience.

Since I learnt how to *properly* us my BOB's, my body does the strangest thing. I can be walking along, in my own world, and all of a sudden I'll have a twinge in my nether regions. My internal nether regions. I'll pause for maybe half a second, wait for the wave of comfort, savour the moment, and continue on with my day.

No big deal right?

Right. When I get those moments I know to go to the ladies as soon as humanly possible to make sure there is no mess. The following points are what shits me.
  • Its very random. There's no arousal associated with it. Its about as subtle as being slapped in the face with a jellyphish. A very small one, that doesn't make you scream out loud and goes away rather quickly without necessitating toe curling. Trust me when I say, a climax without the climb is CRAP! There's nothing like being slowly kissed and teased, feeling his body pressed against yours, his hard cock pressing into you, your hands running slowly over his body, exploring each other, to begin that climb. The longer you are at the touching and kissing and occasionally nibbling bits, the higher you go, and that climax makes you feel like you've been spun around the world a few times and slingshotted to the stars. Its just not the same.
  • There are times when I can't clean up (public toilets are GROSS). So I spend the whole day wandering around, thinking about the state of my underwear. I hate that. Sometimes it can be confusing, and leaves you wondering if you've miscalculated your menstrual cycle days. That really shits me. Cuz then you're not just wondering about the state of your underpants. Well, you are, but you have a much bigger concern - the state of your PANTS. And do I need to go buy myself a jumper even though its the middle of summer?
  • Sometimes the twinge and associated happiness gets lost in a moment of physical activity. Mostly exercise. I hate that. Even though its not as satisfying as a good root, you still don't want to miss out on an orgasm! How rude of your body, to deprive you of such a basic pleasure.
All in all, I don't have embarrassing screaming orgasms that are portrayed in some TV shows. But they're just not as satisfying as a real one. I think sometimes its my vagina's way of saying 'lighten up and get laid'. Like its trying to kick start the process by giving me a hint of what its capable of.

Kinda like you dangle a toy mouse in front of a cat. Only I dangle toy...

I'm gonna stop that analogy right there.

Friday, June 01, 2007

He's alive!

OMG I was so happy to finally receive this text

"god bless my soul, for it has blogged."

Well God may turn his back on your hot faggoty arse (no offense) and I'll always love you.

Kez is back! He's been away for what feels like forever. When I asked if this was the grand return, he replied that we'll have to wait and see. I'm not really a wait and see kinda gal. He indicated that if he got LOTS of comments he might blog sooner. *hinthint everybody*

He's as funny as fuck. Definitely my most favourite gay in the world. I still love my other gay bloggers (in fact, everybody on my 'lust list' likes boys), and the Gay Biotch is utterly adorable, but nothing will ever replace Kez. He was my first. I was his hag. He put me onto a fantastic thing. I have loved gays and their exclusive club of awesomeness ever since.

Kez is the one who introduced me to blogging. So you should all go over and say thankyou for that.

OMG, my cat just did the oddest thing! She walked into my work bag, stood there, and walked out the other side! And walked off like nothing had happened!