Saturday, April 14, 2007

Raw adj - unnaturally or painfully exposed, brutally harsh

SR

You're an ass. A complete ass. It ended. But we didn't. We were supposed to be friends. I haven't even seen you since we stopped fucking. The last time I ever saw you was the day you had a job interview.

I can't believe you didn't even have the nerve to respond when I told you about the baby. That was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through. You probably thought I was lying. But take a second away from admiring your dick and think... to what end? Why would I tell you something like that. I had warned you previously that I had something quite important to talk to you about. You were curious and yet refused to answer your phone when I rang. Maybe you were pissed that I told you via text. Well guess what asshole, I'm pissed that I had no choice but to tell you that way.

There's a gift that runs in my family. We know things before they happen. I knew there was something wrong. I kept seeing a beautiful boy, tall, with curly black hair. He looked very much like you, but with my eyes. I've always wanted my kids to have blue eyes. So this man in my head with my eyes was confusing. They say that the first time a mother holds her children is one of the most vivid experiences in her life. Damn straight. I'll always remember the Tuesday afternoon I held my baby boy for the first, last and only time. I thought it was a strange menstrual cycle. I looked at him and I knew. The last time we were together was the day before my ovulation. Maybe you mis-timed pulling out, or I had something on my hands. Who knows? Three weeks later I was the proud mother to a piece of flesh, torn from my body.

But always a piece of my mind.

Losing it was a relief. At the time. I had so much emotional stress, adding another would have killed me. But towards the end of last year it started to eat at me. I had to tell you. Now you hate me.

I just spoke to one of my best friends. You've been talking to her for quite a while now. And being a deceitful shit you pressured her to keep it between you two. Its developed into a relationship. She told me today. We discussed the baby. She'd mentioned it to you. You thought I was lying. End of story. She knows I wasn't. So now you probably think I'm some kind of psychotic weirdo. I know my friend is going to get hurt. I think she does too.

Do you want to know the bit that sucks the most? I'll tell you. When I was assaulted YOU were the only person who didn't think I'd done something to bring this upon myself. It took guts for people to ask if I'd slept with the guy. It took understanding of me to know there was something wrong with him. I'd think that anybody who understood me that much would know lying isn't my style.

A gigantic fuck you to you too.

Phish

Right now I feel like slitting my wrists. What did I do?

17 comments:

MissE said...

Oh god, phishez... I am so sorry. I can't think of anything else to offer you except a hug across cyberspace.

Cazzie!!! said...

Don't do it!! Email me your phone number and you can talk to me.
Your friend has to be an adult..right? Let her path her own way for her own future.
Don't let this guy and the painful past dictate what YOUR future will be. Perhaps, easier said than done? BUT YOU CAN DO IT.

phishez_rule said...

MissE - all hug appreciated

Cazzie - I've composed a text (which I will send when sober) to tell her I won't be able to pick up the pieces when he shatters her. If it lasts, then I honestly wish them the best. But right now I'M the one who needs help.

phishez_rule said...

Chuck - Your input would be appreciate tonight.

Ratty. said...

Fuck me. I'm just glad I wasn't on the receiving end of that!

Mel said...

What a horrible situation, I hope you get the help, love and support you need. I am also sending a hug your way.

Steph said...

Take care sweet girl. Don't let the arseholes of this world drag you down. You're better than that. Better than them.

Cazzie!!! said...

wishing i could hugg you and get my kids to jump all over you and make you laugh right now

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Echo said...

It's ok to feel painfully exposed, it's very real. I can't even think of the words to say. I can't imagine the pain you are going through but I sincerely hope after writing this you are taking the steps to get rid of the thoughts for slitting wrists. I agree with cazzie, don't do it.
((Big hugs)))

Desirea Madison said...

http://www.lifeline.org.au/westernsydney/lifeline_services

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I wish I could fly over there and give you a great big hug. I mean that.

poody said...

File this guy under rat bastard! Then forget about him and the "friend" he is now seeing for that matter. There are too many men in the world to be dating a grilfriend's ex. That is a big girlfriend sin in my book. She deserves whatever happens to her. How nice you could be fodder to their pillow talk

Josh said...

Wow. I am... really at a loss for words, other than to say that I'm thinking about you and hope you'll take care of yourself...

phishez_rule said...

Thanks for the support everybody. I really don't know how I've made it through the last few days, but I did.

Poody - That is probably the best advice I've heard in a long while. Thanks.

Chuck said...

Sweetie, I'm so sorry I didn't read this earlier. I've been swamped and haven't had a chance to get through my blogroll.

I haven't read any of your newer posts yet, so keep that in mind...

You are too much of a wonderful person to have such awful things happen to you. You deserve someone that will see you for the beautiful person you are and not just something for "fun."

Keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. Even though we cannot fathom why we are put through this pain, there is a greater plan for us. Everything that we experience will make us a better, stronger person and will lead us down the road to our true calling.

Just be patient try not to dwell too much on what has happened in the past. Know that it will lead you to the one you are meant to be with.

And if all else fails, get maggoty (is that the correct aussie phrase?) make a voodoo doll of him and "circumsize" the bastard!!!!

Chuck

Professor said...

This is terrible. i hope you can get the love and help you need from true friends. Im praying for you.