Saturday, April 07, 2007

Things to remember if you get reincarnated as a dog

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the
bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it
up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like
the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in
the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard
with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for dad's
driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the
toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage,
because I don't want to have a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not play "roll around in the dirt" after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of
saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the
right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to
their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because
the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt makes people put me
outside.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.

5 comments:

Kerry said...

excellent

Diesel said...

I can't even remember this many rules as a human.

Trundling Grunt said...

Man, you'd make a crap dog then.

I thought that all dogs thought the diaper pail was combo cookie jar and drinking fountain.

Josh said...

23, 24, and 28: I have these problems already.

phishez_rule said...

Kerry - Thanks

Diesel - There are too many rules for humans

Grunt - yeah, I always break rule 30 as a person!

Josh - I thought when you had company over THEY were supposed to stop and lick your crotch.