Thursday, March 30, 2006

A tribute

A week after my 18th birthday, one of the guys who had left school in year 10 was in a car accident. He came off the road and hit a tree. The only person in the car who was conscious dragged out three other people, but his best mate, the driver, was trapped. He had to watch his best mate burn.

At our age group deaths are a tragedy, but this guy was one of the few popular people who deserved their popularity based on their personality, not their clothes, or their social status. His funeral was held in the biggest church in our region, and it was PACKED, people lined the walls, up in the choir, and about two meters out of each door.

The last time I ever saw that guy alive was on my birthday. I was working the next morning, and my boss said to me as I walked in the door 'a young bloke was killed on the causeway this morning, so if you hear anyone talking about it don't worry too much.' I knew instantly that this was someone I knew. At 10:30 my senior came in, all stressed and worried. I remember so vividly when I found out that it had been Jason's car. I was bagging a loaf of bread and I heard Sharon on the phone, when she dropped Jason's name. I knew instantly. I stopped, with one hand on the base of the bread, ready to flip it over to seal it, and looked at her. She walked in and I just whispered 'Jason ****'. And she said that it had been his car. Time stood still and I felt like an icy cold hand had wound around my stomach. And then it was back to work, blinking furiously.

I remember walking out the back of work to the volonteer store where mum was. the door was locked, so I stood there, with my face pressed into the door, sobbing.

I remember standing at the bus stop the next Monday, looking at Ellen, both of us wanting to say something, but neither game to in case the other didn't know.

I remember telling my mate Jess on the bus that he'd died, and not being able to sob anymore, just sit there and wipe tears off my face.

I remember walking across the lights and seeing another mate, and she took one look at me, stepped back and said 'oh god who died?'

I remember wanting to hug my best friend that day. But he just laughed at me.

I remember sitting in a hallway with a mate, crying. And I remember another mate, who didn't know the guy, coming over and giving us the biggest hugs.

I remember watching one of his other best mates in a room that had been set up for us, holding a hubcap from the car, and stroking it, like touching it would connect them again.

I remember his parent arriving at the church and my friend Camille saying 'his mother is still waiting for him to come home'.

I remember walking up to get communion, my mate Ange stepped aside, and there was the coffin, with his picture there, staring stright down the aisle I was coming up. When I was nearly out I ran, past my friends, and just kept going. Then I stopped. I had to see it through. I remeber crying on the school counsellor just standing there, and letting me cry on his shoulder like I had never cried before.

I remember his best friend carrying the coffin out of the church, and all I could focus on was his shoulders shaking.

I remeber as he was being lowered into the ground, his mother saying 'I love you Jason, I love you' and I remember feeling my heart being torn in two.

I remember the night after he died, in that period between asleep and waking, seeing him walking out a door, and turning to back and saying goodbye.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Remind me again why I wanted to move…?

Why why whywhywhy? Really. Im tired, and sore, and this place is a mess.

I have sore arms, and shoulders, and for some unknown reason I have a scrape that looks oddly like gravel rash on the point of my chin. I have no idea how that got there. I cannot count my bruises yet, because I think there are some that are still to surface.

The original helped me move my stuff. Sweet guy that he is. He was looking around the house and the first words out of his mouth were ‘Holy Fuck, If we had this place…’ And I laughed. Because I know we’re still going to be good mates.

I had no hot water for two days. Moving creates sore muscles and cold water doesn’t do much to relieve them. And last night when I wanted to cook dinner I realized the stove doesn’t work. AHHHAHA. Lucky I hadn’t started sinking tinnies. Had to go for a short drive to get something to munch on. Found out this morning that they were turned off at the fuse box. D’oh.

Reconnecting the phone this morning and I was getting fully chatted up by the guy over the phone. Talk about personal service from telstra.

The fittings on the washing machine don’t fit the taps. So I need to get an adapter to wash my clothes. Two trips to North Parra Bunnings to get the right fitting, because the first time I got one it didn't fit the tap. Turns out the owners have not used the right taps in the laundry. Turns out bunnings does really personal service too, because the guy who sold me my lawnmower was fully chatting me up as well!

And I can’t find my deoderant!

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Jebus help me, cuz I'm about to kill somebody.

I'm trying to install a driver so I can download photos of Clancy to my blog. But the software disc I was given with the cable will not download the driver. And the fucking phone manufacturers site is in FRENCH! So thats about as useful as a paraplegic in a nose picking competition.

Monday, March 20, 2006

What a day...

Mondays are SHITE. The last few days have been absolutely hell, but today has been the most up-and-down day I've had in YEARS!

Over the past few days I've been depressed, rejected, frustrated lonely and lost. I was doubting everything that I've done in the last few months. Rethought the whole move to Sydney. I am going back to square one. I accept that. But it is a better sqaure one than the one I was on when I got down here. I was so full of ideals, and in the last few weeks I've seriously had difficulty getting out of bed in the morning.

The last weekend was the lowest I've been in quite a while. People explaining petty shit to me, people ignoring me, being left alone in a house full of people. I was ditched by a good friend on Friday night, so I was all set to go out, but no-one to go with, and had this awesome photo shoot on Saturday, but got lost, couldn't find parking, couldn't call anyone who could help me. I almost pulled out of it. But I perservered, learnt a new suburb, and had stacks of fun. Once I got there.

Once it was over I was all dolled up with nowhere to go. I felt like nothing out there would ever see me the way I thought I was. Like everything I've ever been, am now, and will be in the future is absolutely inconsequential. I am a rather intelligent person. Not being egotistical or anything, thats just the way it is. But I even felt like I was too stupid to walk around the shopping centre by myself, like I was one of those people you see walking around and you know that somewhere nearby is their carer.

Normally I'm the person who laughs off all of this shit. HAHA, its all funny. Have a couple of drinks to unwind. But for some reason I couldn't. Maybe its the possible homelessness in less than a week hanging over my head, or the $450 I'm owed by the previous housemate thats making me a bit more edgy.

But its amazing how quickly stuff can turn around. Within the space of about 10 minutes I got a call from the stress relief. He wants to catch up tonight. Immediately the self esteem is boosted back to normal. Then I find out that there has been lots of interest in the rental applications I faxed off this morning. So there is an immediate reduction in stress levels. I will have a place to go. I even think I may get lucky and have a choice in places.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

MeMe #63

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Bakery Chick
2. Factory Food Production (SPC)
3. Vet Nurse
4. Animal Technician

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. Ever After
2. Miss Congeniality
3. Equilibrium (mmm... Christian Bale)
4. Shrek

Four places you have lived
1. Tatura, Victoria
2. Shepparton Victoria
3. Gatton Queensland
4. Sydney NSW

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. SCRUBS!!!!
2. House
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Futurama

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Queensland (one weekend, one year before I moved there)
2. Sydney (one weekend, four years before I moved there)
3. Mount Gambier, SA
4. Rye, Victoria

Four websites I visit (Almost) daily
1. Blogspot
2. Hotmail
3. Garfield and Friends

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chocolate
2. Carrots
3. Frozen Beans
4. Lasagne

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. In the boys arms
2. Queensland
3. Under the sea
4. The Moon

Four things I love to do
1. Talk to my friends
2. Drink/socialise/make and ass of myself
3. Read blogs
4. Shag

Four friends who I have tagged that I think will respond
Well this is pretty lame, so I'm going to make it people who will read and possibly comment
1. Kez
2. Steph
3. Somebuddy
4. Surprise me!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I heart blogs

But I unheart being sick. This has got to be the worst time of year to get sick. Its all hot and sticky. You just want to sit in air con, but thats a BIG no-no. You'll never get better in air con. And forget trying to sleep at night. You're too sticky-gross, and any type of cooling... HA!

My head hurts

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Bring it on

I don't know what it is, but I take a very, very perverted glee from causing chaos. Piss me off at work and I won't retaliate as such, but you guarantee that one week late something chaotic will happen. And I'll just be sitting back, enjoying my handiwork.

The same thing is happening (inadvertantly) at home. The other day the original flatmate asked if I was really moving out.
'Where are you going?'
'Don't know yet'
I could see the cogs turning in his mind. 'She's suddenyl leaving, with no place to go. Something must be up...' But he doesn't ask. He just lets it go.

I'm getting ready for dancing less than 10 minutes later and hear thefollowing conversation outside.
'But [the bloke I was shagging] is in Melbourne.'
{insert quiet bit of conversation here}
'I can't beleive you didn't know!'
'I had no idea'
'You said something at PJ's the other night'
'No. I didn't think it had actually happened'

My interpretation is that he has gone outside to discuss the possible reasons I have for moving out with the newer one. Why he didn't ask me, I'll never know. But it seems that the newer has been told at some stage, and proffered it as a possible reason for me leaving, seeing as I won't be playing with his mate anymore.

Methinks the original has found out I did the naughty with his best mate.

Time to sit back and watch...

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Its time to go... (tick tock)

Well I've had more than enough at this place right now. Apart from losing my best friend, he has started lying to me. The most petty, inconsequential shit. Bare faced little lies to my face, massive lies of omission, irresponsibility, basic stupidity and irritatingness. And taking advantage of my generosity, and giving nothing in return.

It all came to a head on Friday night. I could bitch about that night forever, but all that is going to do is raise my blood pressure again, and make me cry (again). But I will put it bluntly. I am extremely unhappy where I am at the moment. And anybody who has the capacity to make me that angry should be cut out of my life. PERIOD. I don't need this shit when I'm having enough problems coping after the funeral. I am moving again. Time to start anew, again.

Incidentally March 20th is apparently Valentines day for men. Its called 'Steak and blowjob day'.
I think every day should be steak and blowjob day. Without the steak. I fucking hate cooking steak.