Monday, September 29, 2008

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Bad bathroom habits and movies.

Well, I was a little nervous drafting the last post. I wasn't sure how it would be received. But it seems to have gone ok. Either that, or you lovely people remembered some wise words; 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all'.

I hate September. Fucking Christmas decorations always go up. I spotted this on the 25th. 3 full months before Christmas. Fuck! I'm broke now. I don't need to go thinking about bloody spending money I don't have.

A few days ago I went to go to the bathroom. As I went reached the door, I found it to be locked, so began to walk away. Two steps later and the door opens behind me. Brilliant! I am in much need of a pee.

A lady walks out and advises me to wait a few minutes. Which I'm ok with. She doesn't want the embarrassment of me going into her smell, and I sure as hell don't want that discomfort. So I turn to go. And she follows me down the corridor, telling me she shouldn't have eaten the curry last night. I hesistated, shocked. Apparently that's the human cue for 'do go on', cuz she proceeded to tell me how 'they always say to eat the chilli, but you never should.'

TMI much?

I saw the new Mummy movie today. I did quite like it. Although it wasn't as funny as the original two. So not as many snappy one liners as you'd expect. And I thought that Rick suddenly having Matrix style martial arts skills was a bit over the top.

But the thing that shitted me most... Rachel Weisz didn't play Evie. So they got some random chick to do it. And she ruined the character. Evie was an intelligent scatterbrain. And a bit of a tom-girl. You know, not afraid to get dirty, but goes all gooey for her man. The new Evie was intelligent, but not a scatterbrain. More centred. And she fought! What was with that? She could defend herself in the old movies, but not attack. New Evie played with guns. Rachel's Evie didn't do that. She thought it was just silly. And new Evie's accent was definitely an American failing to do English. Bad job. They should have killed her off when she didn't sign up.

And Rick called her Evie, right from the start! Bullshit! In the first two movies he always called her Evelyn. The only time he didn't was when she died.

But the Yeti's were fucking AWESOME!!!

I have a few disgusting habits. One of them is born from a paranoia that my vadge smells. Every time I go to the ladies, I swipe and sniff. I gotta say, the vast majority of the time, its not a bad smell.

What's your worst habit.

Friday, September 26, 2008

...but sometimes the story is more interesting

So. The question was asked. And the answer shall be given.

I was that girl. Who could only have disgraced herself more if she had pissed herself at the same time. But you know what, it was so worth it.

I'm going to say that on a 9/10 scale she made a complete fool of herself in front of one of the guys she has a crush on at work, then managed to fall over in public and thanks to way too much free grog the comments of her stomach decided to eject themselves, but at least it was memorable.

Am I close?

Well Kez, yes you were. But you had inside help there. Even though I don't remember texting you, the evidence remains in my phone.

We had a celebration at work. The free champagne flowed. And flowed. And flowed. And then got split, before flowing again. I wouldn't say I made a complete fool of myself. But I was dancing with my hands in the air. I was stumbling around a fair bit. And I did fall over. That I remember quite clearly. I was trying to be all sexy and wiggle around and show off. And I bobbed down... and down... and then fell over. Much laughter was had and I attempted to pass it off as a deliberate move. I failed. But quite happily. One of the guys at work helped me off the ground and we all had a good laugh at me.

The party started to die down and the hottie had left, though I suspect he saw me fall over. So we decided to head to the train station. I staggered, and stumbled all the way. Giggles abounded.

I staggered onto the train. Found myself a seat. And promptly passed out. I blearily opened my eyes as two girls sat opposite me. I shut my eyes and passed out again.

I awoke next, with the feeling of upchuck in progress. I clamped a hand over my mouth and tried to bite back. I failed. Epically. Hand still over my mouth I began to kick the girl sitting opposite me. I indicated that she should move, and she did. The guy sitting next to her fled. Chivalry is dead. Another guy in the carriage handed me a pack of tissues with which I attempted to clean myself up. The window was opened and I was grateful for the fresh air.

I passed out again.

I next awoke to the same feeling. Upchuck. Massive upchuck. Epic upchuck. Nothing was going to stop this. Helplessly I just let it out. All.Over.Myself.




I fled this time. With utter mortification. And apologising profusely, promising to get off at the next stop. I flicked open my phone to call a mate to come pick me up from wherever I was (I had no idea) and the fucker died. I kept trying to turn it on, but kept dropping it, exploding the back cover off and sending the battery flying. I did this at least three times.

So all I could do was stand near the door, and wait for my stop. Luckily it was only two stations away. I wrapped my cardi around me to try to conceal the gunk, though the stench probably gave it away.

I got off at the appropriate station, and stumbled home. As I stood on the corner waiting for the lights to change, random dude asked if my phone was working. I assured him I was fine and disappeared.

I woke two hours later on the bathroom floor, jumped into the shower fully clothed, and headed to bed. With bucket.

The next day was... interesting. I felt ok, but my stomach was a tad sore. I couldn't keep down fluids. They came right up. I spent morning tea stretched out on the floor of the change room. It was quiet and dark and I needed a nap. I kept getting interesting looks from people. I managed to keep down fluids (flat lemonade) by morning tea and solids (chips and gravy) by lunch. Though was still quite tender.

General consensus is that I enjoyed the party immensely. Possibly the most out of everyone there. They didn't see the disgrace of the train. And I'll never see the randoms from the train again.

All in all, the night was quite enjoyable. I'd do it again. Though, maybe next time, I wouldn't have the last glass of champagne.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A picture is worth a thousand words...

I have an image in my head.

A girl stands on a corner, waiting for the light to change. She smells of vomit, her shirt is wet and she sways slightly. A stranger asks her if she's been having problems with her phone and she replies 'nah, nah mate. I'm fine.'

How did she get there I wonder?

Would you care to guess?

Monday, September 22, 2008


At the gym yesterday. It was freaking hot and I'm sweating my arse off. Sexy much? Well, my hot personal trainer come in from his other job and we get to chatting.

Attempting to make a comment about the atmosphere in the gym, my tongue falls over itself and creates the statement, 'I don't know if its just you, but its hot in here.'

Freudian slip much?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Help Required!!!!

Ok. My electricity bill came in. Its high. Damn high. Over $500. And my roomie will expect me to pay half.

The kicker is that I would use the dryer for an average of one hour a week. And she would use it for about three hours a week. Her boyfriend spends at least half of the nights of the week here. And he does shower and wash/dry his clothes here occasionally too.

Insert help in comments section....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The people you see...

So it's been a week since I blogged. Like last week, this one has a bit to blog about.

Darling Harbour is having fireworks. Just because. Anyhoo, a friend and I decided to head into the city to catch them. I love fireworks. And yes, there is audio with these, and I am talking in the background.

Nothing will make you feel more like a kid than watching fireworks. Unless, it's crawling around in a fountain at night. Sober.

Sunday was at the gym. As is normal now I guess. I failed my weigh in. Boo. Then I did some grocery shopping and had a quick (healthy) lunch. And whilst I was eating I was people watching. A family sat down opposite me and I watched. And judged. I judged like all hell!

One of the boys sat down with a chicken schnitzel and nothing else. He picked up his crumbed, greasy chunk of chicken flesh with his hands, and began to eat it LIKE IT WAS A COOKIE! Surely his mum would smack him across the back of the head when she sat down with her lunch. But no. And I judged her for that. But not as bad as when I saw her lunch. Grilled fish with sauce and chips. Which she ate with her fingers as well. Not just the chips, she picked up the soggy fish with her fingers, slopped it around the plate and shoved her fingers up to the second knuckle, all the way in her gob.

Stomach turning I got up to leave. And as I walked past the table, I saw the other one. The other grotty little kid. With one hand wrapped around a burger and the other buried deep in his pants, scratching his arse.


This morning I caught the train as per usual. There were a group of young school boys on the train. Typical kids. Loud, obnoxious brats. Being kids. Whatever, I was going to get off the train in two stops. But there was this cranky looking old 'lady' glaring at these kids. Not only that, but she was chewing too. Like she just wanted to leap over the seats and beat those kids over the head. But she was holding back, literally biting back her rage. I imagine it was the female version of Fingers.


We have toilets at work. Strange but true. And these toilets have locks on the doors. Well, I should say toilet, because there is only one, and it's unisex. We all piss in the same pot. So I went to the bathroom today, fiddled with the lock to make sure it was locked, and sat to do my business.

Finishing up, I pulled my underwear up, and the door flew open! I turned around with a shock to see a coworker, look of horror on her face, staring at me. I was so lucky it was a) a girl, and b) that I had pulled up my underwear.

She got a look at my fat (covered) ass and thighs, but that was about it. We've been laughing about it all afternoon. But it was a *tad* embarrassing.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

I have gossip!

So the last few days have been pretty big for me. And my gelatinous waistline. I'll try to tell it all in order.

First: The Conference...

I had a work conference. It was great. My first conference. I was sharing a registration with a coworker. She got to go for 2 days, but I'm not complaining. If I had to pick one day, it would have been the one I was allocated. However, I did get to go to a dinner on both Wednesday and Thursday. Free champagne was to be had. And free food, but who really cares about that when there is champagne? We had a lovely waitress on Wednesday who would target us and refill our glasses, then do a round, return to us, refill our glasses and then pick up dishes. I love her. Thursday dinner was a harbour cruise. And I LOVED it. I love Sydney, and the skyline from out there was brilliant. But, after a few champagnes I stopped admiring the view and got to the merry making.

Friday was the conference itself. I loved it. Being the last day they were giving away everything rather than pack it up. I scored at 3 bags and filled them with least a dozen stress balls, a full set of mugs, 2kg of cat litter and about 50 pens/pencils. I also acquired *hem*stole*hem* roughly 50 teabags and 10 hot chocolates. And I went all klepto on packets of breath mints before they stopped putting them out too. I love free shit. I had to carry 3 bags of shit (plus my bulging handbag) back in the rain, but it was so worth it.

Second: A few hours to myself... sorta.

I went home straight after the conference. The weekend was my flying (literally) visit to Melbourne so I didn't have much time. I did a basic clean and headed out to the gym. My personal trainer had me doing weight and finished off with some ab work. There was a strange move where I lay on the ground, with my arms stretched upwards. I grabbed his ankles and he bent over, held his hands out and I tried to touch them with my feet. As we assumed the position and he held his hands up, I glanced up and saw the shadows in his shorts. And all that went through my head was 'look at his hands lookathishands lookathishands lookathishands lookathishands.'

Third: The party

Saturday I flew to Melbourne. Flight was ok. Strangely, for a Qantas flight, it was uneventful. The added bonus was that there was pretty much nil chance of terrorists. I figured they wouldn't bother with a carrier that could do the job for them.

Kez picked me up and the plan was for him to drop me at my rellies where I'd be staying. We'd be there a polite amount of time, and then head into the city. Well, that was the plan. It failed. My rellies can gasbag. My sincerest apologies kez. I was all ready to leave when they started talking about some really juicy gossip to do with my cousin and his wife. And her family. I wanted to see one picture of the brides mother, and then we got stuck scrolling through family pics. Which I found boring, but it must have been mind numbing for kez. He tolerated it well.

One highlight though, I was putting on my rings and my mother made a comment about my 'penis fingers'. This cracked Kez and myself up no end. Of course we were both thinking of my penchant for masturbation, but not game enough to say it. And yes, I do have penis fingers, they are quite satisfying.

Kez dropped me back in the city for dinner. Right out the front of the place where we were going to eat. Sadly no time for a coffee or any boobie flashing or assorted shenanigans, but I did get a good laugh watching him burn his arse with a cigarette.

Dinner itself was really quite nice. Lovely even. But expensive. And I didn't really appreciate the deep fried beans. I did, however, enjoy the mouthful of wine that arrived with each course. I especially liked taking the glass that my brother or Dad's partner didn't want and (classily) tipping it into my glass and drinking it from there. But I missed out on my fried ice cream. I adore fried ice cream and its something that I have if its on a Chinese menu. Alas, this time they had run out.

25 hours in Melbourne, and it was time to fly back. It was short but sweet. If it had been much longer I'd have made plans to catch up with people, and would have run myself ragged.

Fourth: The nameless hottie...

Right from the get go at work, I've admired the sexy in the vicinity. But there is one in particular. I've been watching him from my second day. I have no reason to talk to him. He works on my floor, but on the other side of it, behind walls and stuff. I noticed him every time I saw him. But didn't acknowledge him, because being acknowledged by a stranger is just weird.

A week or so ago, we ran into each other in the cafeteria. And I realised that even though I had been systematically ignoring him (its a girl thing), and he hadn't paid me any attention, he knew who I was. Several times since we've made and momentarily held eye contact in passing.

I resolved to find out his name. By asking a co worker who I felt would be quite discrete. Today the chance happened. Several others were going out to a meeting, and he was walking around in sight, at the other side of the floor. I quickly grabbed my coworkers arm and asked her if she knew his name. She turned and looked at him, as did the two other people there. I realised it was as obvious as the sun, refused to look at him and blushed Zoidberg red. Maybe news will follow. Maybe not. Who knows. But I did catch him looking over to my desk this afternoon.

As an aside...
Note to self: Don't wear boyshort panties to the gym. They tend to turn into a g-string type situation and its just not fun being on the cross trainer with the feeling of something trying to poke the back of your eyeballs through your arse.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008


I'm away until Sunday night. So no posting until early next week.

Keep yourself entertained with a new smut post.

Monday, September 01, 2008


What do you do when you walk into an elevator and it smells slightly like someone farted? Do you turn and walk out, or stay and hope its just stale overcrowded elevator smell? Is the smell of a stale overcrowded elevator just stale farts anyway?

I have written something special. Should I not wait and just hit publish?

Why do people like to pick pimples? Do some people not like to do it?

What is your favourite sexual position? What about perversions?

What is your favourite food? Alcoholic beverage? Hell, on a good night they are one and the same.

If you could realistically meet just one blogger. Who would it be?

I have an obsession with my underarms, would you care to explain it?

Boobs are fantastic. Everybody loves boobs. Why do men not have a body part which is as widely adored as boobs?

I've heard of men who don't like blowjobs. Are they a myth?

How do you sit?

Do you have any questions for me?