Monday, September 26, 2005

So much for a day off

Today was supposed to be my ADO (Allocated Day Off). But I found out last week that I had to attend an orientation seminar (read snoozefest, aimed at nurses). So I decided to take my day off another time.
So this morning I rock up at work, as per usual. But becuase I don't know whats going on with the day (what time do we start, do we get lunch and when, is there a place that I can put my lunch, what do we actually do, is ANY of it going to be relevant to me? and so on...) I haven't bought anything, except a blank book and a stack of different pencils (OK, so I have a habit of doodling when I'm bored, and I knew it was going to be boring).
After sitting in the tea room for half an hour at work, I go upstairs to where I should be. All I saw up there were two cleaners carts. So much for the queues that I was informed would be everywhere. Away, across the other side of the building, I could see a wondow with people in a small room. After hiking across the room, I asked what had happened to the orientation I was supposed to attend. Turns out that they don't hold it during public holidays because nobody turns up. I told them I'd heard it would be pretty boring, and was told yes, yes it was. They had been showing the same video for 15 years, no updates or anything. They asked which department I was working in, and when I told them they just laughed.

Anyway for my day off, I ended up spending the whole day at work, working. How fun for me. I at least get my ADO transferred to later in the week sometime.

Friday, September 23, 2005


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish don't have brains.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Enjoy... Steph

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Having a Bad Day????

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day???? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

To continue with the theme...

In the Late 1950s a little girl named Virginia asked the New York Times if there was a Santa Clause. The reply is now famous. Someone thought it would be fun to ask the scientists at NASA the same question.

Here is NASA's reply:

No known species of reindeer can fly. But there ARE 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.

There are two billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 138 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.

One presumes there is at least one good child in each. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west.

This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat snacks, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million houses are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops. This means that Santa's sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.

For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 mps. The average reindeer runs at 15 mph.

The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 TONS, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see first paragraph) could pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we cannot do the job with 8 or even 9. We need 214,000 reindeer.

This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the British liner Queen Elizabeth 2. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates an enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy..... Per second ....Each!

In short, they will burst in flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer,and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,325,015 pounds of force.

CONCLUSION: There was a Santa, but he's dead now.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Good coffee should make you want to have sex with the person who made it.

I don’t need to add to that.

On a completely different note I went shopping on Saturday. For clothes and groceries. There was this really cool pair of jeans at Kmart, complete with scarfbelt. So I decided to try them on. They were SO WRONG!!! The designers had just taken a ‘small person’ style and just used more denim. They were low riding, which I think is a no-no for big people. And they were skinny leg, fitted jeans. Which on a large person equates to flab fitting across the butt and thighs, and really narrow at the knees. My lower half resembled a top-heavy hourglass. The designers of these jeans obviously had no idea that as a woman gets larger, her ENTIRE shape changes. Thus someone who is a plus size is not going to have a figure resembling a rake. I do actually like my body, but I am more than willing to acknowledge that my big wobbly butt and thighs are NOT my best asset. I did not get those jeans.
After the jeans shopping fiasco (where I didn’t get any), I went to Coles to get my groceries. They’ve got Christmas stockings up already. It’s September. Christmas is a full ¼ of the year away. When I wrote the post about Christmas, I had no idea that it would soon become reality.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I love hugs

*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*

You have just been hugged! That's right, there's no getting out of it this time! This is the start of a full-scale Hug O' War! Send a hug to everyone you know! Hug your friends, your enemies, everyone! With all the other forwards out there, I thought this would be a good one to start.
The hug is my favourite sign of affection.
It can mean so much, and many things at the same time.
It can be a sign of love, friendship, comfort or anything.
So here you go.
All I can say it will do is brighten someone's day.
I mean, we all need a hug once in a while.
So send this on if you'd like, to anyone who may need a hug
Goodness knows, we could all REALLY use a tight hug sometimes.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Everybody Hates Christmas

I know I do.
But who actually likes going to the supermarket in July and seeing those decorations and shit. They put them up high deliberately so that they slowly come into our awareness.
In October they play the bloody christmas jingles. They worm their way into your brain and it takes THREE MONTHS to get them out. So from October to March you have bloody Christmas carols in your head. Thats SIX WHOLE MONTHS!!!
Then theres the people. The stupid people who don't yet know what they want to get their second cousin that lives two states away that they never see, and so have decided to look at every single product aimed at that age group. EVERY PRODUCT. And the kids, the whiny 'Mommy I want this' kids. And they cry, and whine, and the parents are stupid, and they make me feel stupid. They make me want to hurt people. You can't get anything at the shops, and you can't go to any type of shopping area for the crowds. You can't move from one area of a department store to another in less than 15 minutes, and thats if they're adjacent to each other.
The best thing about christmas is the overtime.