There was so much I wanted to say in that conversation. It is 3 am. I can't sleep. Somewhere outside a car chirps every three seconds. Its like having a dripping tap that you can hear and neither turn off nor ignore.
I think. About what I wanted to say. And I need to put it down.
I wanted to say how sorry I really am about it all.
I wanted to say that every time she mentioned him, or I saw him, I'd think about the baby, and I'd be gutted all over again.
I wanted to tell her how I've been jealously following the pregnancy of one of the girls at work. She was due not long after me.
I wanted to tell her that I would have had him by now. And somewhere around the time where he was due, a name popped into my head. His name. I know its his because every time I think of him, it feels comfortable. Its viciously more real, but its somehow easier.
I wanted to tell her that I have no more tears left. I feel empty and betrayed.
I wanted to say there was no choice to be made. She had already chosen. I hope he's worth it.
I wanted to say that she would always be in the middle, between us. I cannot accept him as a friend. I cannot even try.
I wanted to thank her for telling me.
I wanted to tell her that I was close to him. That we could talk about anything, and I miss him as a friend.
I wanted to say that sometimes, just sometimes, I felt that he actually understood and liked me too.
I wanted to say I'm a little jealous. I asked him if he wanted to take what we had a little more seriously and he wasn't interested.
I wanted to tell her that he always made me feel alive when he was around, like I was perfect. How he used to call me pet names, which I despised but was secretly flattered by.
I wanted to tell her how he made me question myself. How he made me feel less than dirt.
I wanted to remind her of what she was like when I met her, when she was hanging around with a whore. And how she's a stronger person now.
I wanted to say I thought I had a part in that.
I wanted to remind her that I always put her above any guy. "Ho's before Bro's Girlie."But I have different priorities, I guess.
I wanted to remind her of all we've been through, and how we've always been there for each other.
I wanted to thank her for being there when I was assaulted. For giving me refuge that day. And for letting me cry so hard that snot ran from my nose.
I wanted to thank her, just for being her.
And above all I wanted to say that I love her and this hurts more than she can imagine. She's at least got someone to turn to. And he is vindicated in his decision that I'm deranged.
Dammit. Every time I think I've run out of tears there are always more.