Saturday, June 02, 2007

Things that shit me

This is my 300th post. Which is kinda a let down. I was expecting streamers and balloons and alcohol. Instead, I choose to create a post that seems to embody what I feel are the five most important aspects of my writing;
  1. A healthy dose of redhead rant
  2. Sexuality
  3. Humour
  4. Randomness
  5. Honesty
So I choose to tell you about something randomly sexual that pisses me off, in a TMI funny way.

Spontaneous Orgasms.

They're an urban myth right?


I speak from experience.

Yes. Experience.

Since I learnt how to *properly* us my BOB's, my body does the strangest thing. I can be walking along, in my own world, and all of a sudden I'll have a twinge in my nether regions. My internal nether regions. I'll pause for maybe half a second, wait for the wave of comfort, savour the moment, and continue on with my day.

No big deal right?

Right. When I get those moments I know to go to the ladies as soon as humanly possible to make sure there is no mess. The following points are what shits me.
  • Its very random. There's no arousal associated with it. Its about as subtle as being slapped in the face with a jellyphish. A very small one, that doesn't make you scream out loud and goes away rather quickly without necessitating toe curling. Trust me when I say, a climax without the climb is CRAP! There's nothing like being slowly kissed and teased, feeling his body pressed against yours, his hard cock pressing into you, your hands running slowly over his body, exploring each other, to begin that climb. The longer you are at the touching and kissing and occasionally nibbling bits, the higher you go, and that climax makes you feel like you've been spun around the world a few times and slingshotted to the stars. Its just not the same.
  • There are times when I can't clean up (public toilets are GROSS). So I spend the whole day wandering around, thinking about the state of my underwear. I hate that. Sometimes it can be confusing, and leaves you wondering if you've miscalculated your menstrual cycle days. That really shits me. Cuz then you're not just wondering about the state of your underpants. Well, you are, but you have a much bigger concern - the state of your PANTS. And do I need to go buy myself a jumper even though its the middle of summer?
  • Sometimes the twinge and associated happiness gets lost in a moment of physical activity. Mostly exercise. I hate that. Even though its not as satisfying as a good root, you still don't want to miss out on an orgasm! How rude of your body, to deprive you of such a basic pleasure.
All in all, I don't have embarrassing screaming orgasms that are portrayed in some TV shows. But they're just not as satisfying as a real one. I think sometimes its my vagina's way of saying 'lighten up and get laid'. Like its trying to kick start the process by giving me a hint of what its capable of.

Kinda like you dangle a toy mouse in front of a cat. Only I dangle toy...

I'm gonna stop that analogy right there.


Steph said...

Hey a mini-orgasm is better than no orgasm at all right?
I have a friend who can count on one hand the amount of times she has climaxed. There is something very wrong with her vadge!

I had a mini at the gym once. The thigh machine was the culprit, and what a nice way to start the day.
A handsfree climax. Huzzah!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Very interesting piece.
I must admit this is something I had no idea about.

Thanks for the info.

Natalia said...

Hurray for those!


Chucky said...

Wow. I think you covered your..umm...points with that post very well.

it was A healthy dose of redhead rant, Sexuality, Humour, Randomness and Honesty!

smacko said...

dammit i wish i could have even one orgasm. sigh...

RAFFI said...

spontaneous orgasms... hmmmm? seven months... hmmm? elementary, my dear

Princess Banter said...

I've heard about it -- and true, I actually did think it was an urban legend. However, cheers to you for having those... and yet, I sympathize. I highly agree that having orgasms without the climb is... well... anti-climactic (no pun intended). Enjoy it though! Think of all the people who'd kill to be in your position :)

phishez_rule said...

Steph - Bet you kept going back to it afterwards

Ingsoc - I aim to educate

Natalia - yes. Lets all scream out!

Chucky - I wanted my 300th to be special

smacko - go buy a vibrator. STAT.

Raffi - It must be the female version of a wet dream. Only you're awake

PB- I guess its a case of the grass always seems greener...

itelli said...

Oh great... So now, we r totally worthless and useless as a sex... The grand feminist vision is taking shape.

Cazzie!!! said...

Riding a horse bear backed will do it every time. So, go hire one and see 4 urself :)

Dan said...

This is interesting. Doesn't sound like it's much fun, though. Too bad! When I was going through puberty I used to have nocturnal emissions which were quite annoying, though they were fun!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Congratulations on your 300th post!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Ha...I had a pair of cut off levis shorts I called my (fuck me Shorts)that played me like that. I mean yeah, they were tight and short and I loved them. Come on had a pair, didn't you?

I could be anywhere, a grocery store, library, or just walking to my next class. I'd stop...Oh my god, close my eyes and...! Give me a fucken cigarette and I don't smoke.

I had to pack away my (fuck me) shorts as I was afraid of one day losing control like that one time. We won't go into that. It was slightly losing control. A moan...that's it, Okay, two or three moans.

After that slight incident I could imagine myself in Meg Ryan's place. In a restaurant screaming Yes...yes...yes...oh, YES...oh,oh.

God I wonder where I put them? Um...just to see if they still fit. Later babes.

Josh said...

Is this due to a female equivalent to blue balls?

mist1 said...

I like the spontaneous O. I was on the brink of one all day last Thursday. I even tease myself.

poody said...

could be the seam of your jeans or maybe nothing at all. I have them in my sleep which is great I mean I take what I can get honey!

Anonymous said...

This is great. I didn't realize there was a *proper* way to use your BOB.