Friday, June 15, 2007

Two posts in one day?

My day so far

8:00 alarm goes off. Turn it off
8:15 second alarm goes off. Hit snooze
8:20 alarm goes off. Turn it off and play with cat.
8:30 get out of bed, dress, do hair, brush teeth. Brush teeth again
8:45 leave
9:00 dentist appointment. Two x-rays, a full mouth scan, one filling dug out and replaced, and a new one put in. Am informed that there are three more spots of minor decay. I love Australia's dental healthcare system*.
10:00 health care fund declines to pay dental bill. Call health care fund
10:15 still on hold
10:20 health care fund changes their mind. Instead of paying $419, pay $35. Smile alot, and possibly drool too
10:30 home. Buy tickets. Text people.
11:00 - 12:00 Blog, email people, download porn
12:00 decide may as well go to gynae today and get the foul scrape** over with.
12:30 shower. Shave armpits, legs and 'kini line. Clog razor multiple times and vow to keep 'kini line trimmer.
1:00 leave for doctor
1:20 in doctors surgery. Wait 10 minutes and get seen***. She violates me****. Get prescription refills for asthma meds, referral for STI screening. She won't give me contraceptive implant or HPV vaccination. Walk out with a vadge full of cheap arsed nasty doctor lube. Enjoy that thought boys.
1:45 take referral to pathology area. Nobody else there. Excellent. Will be seen soon.
2:00 anytime now. The nurse from the x-ray area says they should be around.
2:15 Where the fuck are these people?
2:30 she comes in, telling x-ray nurse she had to get her hair dyed. Comes in sniffing and coughing and spluttering. Puts her dirty hands all over my arm and steals my blood.
2:35 mouth feels fine. Dental anaesthetic has worn off. No pain, but have a dull ache from having mouth wide open for so long*****. Go shopping. Buy hot red babydoll top with faux halter that has hanky hem and shows lots of boob and doesn't make me look pregnant. Its on sale. Try on same top in mint green but I'm too pale. Tried on two pairs pinstripe pants. Same style, different sizes. Both gave me massive camel toe and were saggy in bum.
2:50 buy lunch. Chinese.
3:00 home. Eat lunch. Compose blog.
3:30 feel gross from lunch.
3:50 publish blog.

*Sarcasm. Its non existent. If I had access to health care when I was a poor student this would have been kept on top of.
**The scrape is not of something foul. The scrape itself is foul.
***Nuding up in front of a woman is by far THE MOST surreal experience I have ever had. I have no idea why women want to go to a woman for that. Women shouldn't play with my pink bits. From now on, I'll have my male GP do it.
**** Its kinds like getting vaccinations in high school. We all went in dreading the needle, and all came out bitching about how the polio goop tasted. Its the anticipation that kills you.
*****There are better ways to get a sore jaw.


Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Doesn't sound the most fun day a girl could have.
Out on the town tonight?

phishez_rule said...

Curled up at home in jammies with DVDS and cats. Might watch chick flicks and eat icecream from the tub.

redcap said...

God damn. What an entirely fucked up day. Couldn't you have scheduled a colonic irrigation as well? I'd have added a bottle of vodka to the jammies, DVDs and moggy-hugs. I think after that horror, you can has all the cheezburger you want.

Pie said...

The three girls in front of me in the vaccination queue all spat out the polio medication because it 'tasted funny', and that kinda stayed as a theme to my life. I must taste like polio medicine.

And yet after reading this I am so glad I am not a woman, us guys get it easy.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Poor Phishez :(

Where is your knight in shining armour?

Dan said...

Blog, email people, download porn

Hilarious post!

But wait a second ... where in the world were you hiding when you spied on me doing all of this??

Obesio said...

Yet, despite it all, I still find this post very hot.

Princess of the Universe said...

Hmmm- suddenly I don't mind that my female doctor retired, and I now have a male one...

Only men should be playing with my pink bits...
Sound logic.

RAFFI said...

i have fantasies of my female doc checking for inguinal hernias, then complimenting me on my member, then..... phishez you can take over from that part... make it raunchy!

poody said...

sounds like you got a lot done though hope you enjoy the concert

Anonymous said...

dont use the word 'scrape' because it conjurs up all sorts of ghastly images and it sounds bloody painful. we call them 'smears' we sounds so much better (oh who am i kidding? they are both filthy)

Last time I had to see a gyno, I took two strong panadols and it seemed to work. I was fairly blissed out. But then - a cup of coffee makes me high. you might need something stronger.

one thing though - i always wonder what the fuck MEN are doing as gynocologists. I would rather strip off and spread the "meat curtains" (thanks martha!) to a female. cause she's got one too, and knows how it feels?

anyhoo, that's just my take on it all. have good weekend!!

Trundling Grunt said...

nope, didn't really enjoy that image somehow.

Sounds like a cruddy day - hope the weekend is better.

Chris said...

Hmmm... not very nice...

I had to explain the term "camel toe" at work the other day. It was awkward.

In the end I just ended up emailing pictures of the two different kinds. That pretty much cleared it up.

phishez_rule said...

Toe - NOTHING tastes as bed as the polio vaccine

Ingsoc - Somewhere in the UK I'm led to believe

Dan - thats pretty much all the internet's good for isn't it?

Obesio - Glad someone did

Princess - It felt so weird.

Raffi - I'm sure you have the talent for it. Actually I'm pretty sure you could download something like that

Poody - stay tuned in September.

Betty - i still maintain that it just feels so wrong having a chickie play with my bits.

Grunt - I have a hot new top. It makes everything ok.

Chris - bwah ha! I had a mate who had to explain what a 'dirty sanchez' was. Now THAT was awkward.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Dear God, what's he doing here?

Describe him, I'll see if I know where he is.

phishez_rule said...

The shining armour will be a dead giveway. White steed optional.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Now you come to mention, there is this bloke been coming to my local recently.
Tall, burnished steel armour, carries a lance, tends to decapitate people if they get in his way.
Think he drinks Guinness.

I'll let him know you need him.

Josh said...

I agree, nudity with male doctors is better.

phishez_rule said...

Josh - nudity with women is so wrong.