Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Why dear God, Why?

So I was just whipping up a quick dinner before I head off to dancing. Chicken in the oven? Check. Veges chopped and "pre-baking" in microwave - cauliflower, pumpkin, sweet potato, carrot? Check.

All set. Excellent. I had a bit of time to kill, so I decided to cut up some whole chicken breast and freeze it. Its a time/money saver to do this when you're single. Anyhoo, all of a sudden, as I'm chopping away, I can smell something... interesting.

Something very personal.

Something that I always hope to god nobody else smells.

I could smell my vibrator drawer.

In my kitchen.

I have to explain that smell right now. Actually, now that I think about it, it would probably be best to have explained what the smell was like earlier. Say at the beginning of the post.

It smells kinda like sex. But obviously only the girl side. Its not as salty and heavy smelling as couple sex. I clean them after use. Obsessively. My toys are clean. Let me reiterate. MY TOYS ARE FUCKING CLEAN. Or maybe I should say 'my fucking toys are clean'. Either way, it amounts to the same thing. The smell isn't strong. In fact, the only time you can smell it is when you've pretty much got your face in there, or just after you open it after its been closed for a very long time (which never happens).

So why the fuck am I smelling it in the kitchen? It was the cauliflower. Microwaved cauliflower smells kinda sweet, and I guess the raw chicken added the fleshy smell. Creepy huh?

I can only imagine the google searches that are going to link to this post.


Sockpuppet said...

Vote UK News and Politics.
Sieg Heil!

Anonymous said...


Well, I guess you must be getting good use out of it, then....

Cazzie!!! said...

shit phishez, that is one sad revelation...LMAO.

Oestre-Bunny said...

ewwww....You know it never occurred to me to bake veg in the microwave before.

Sakura said...

bloody hell that is weird, for one moment there I had thought your cat had dragged a 'toy' out of your drawer and decided to leave it arbitrarily in the kitchen.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Sounds like you have a substantial collection.
Believe it or not, I don't think I've ever seen a real vibrator.

You seem to take a lot of trouble cooking.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I must admit that I would never have linked those smells.

Natalia said...

Oh the google searches will come. I was complaining about people searching for vegina and how stupid the spelling was and now I get floods of people searching for "vegina sizes," "hairy vegina," "how to suck vegina," etc. Fun times!


Me said...

Oh my...

Ms Smack said...

hahaha you're a brave woman! Imagine the freaks in the world that screw vegetables that are now feasting upon your cauliflower.

mist1 said...

I probably won't have chicken for dinner tonight.

Webmiztris said...

I may never eat chicken or cauliflower again...lol!

when I first starting reading this, I thought you meant that your vibrator drawar was actually IN YOUR KITCHEN and I was thinking, "Say WHHHAAAT?" lmfao

Professor said...

This has got to be one of the grossest observations I have ever *heard*!

Desirea Madison said...

Laughed when I read that variation the placement of fucking. Someday I will know what couple sex smells like. Does it only smell like couple sex if he doesn't wear a condom, because otherwise isn't it contained? I would have to guess that couple sex smells like latex and his antiperspirant.

RAFFI said...

i'll never look at cauliflower and chicken the same again. so i take it that your secret fetish is smelling your kitchen drawers?

Chris said...

My ex-girlfriend couldn't eat bananas because she said they tasted of lady gardens.

You know, I never thought to ask her how she knew.

Add that to the list of missed opportunities!

Anonymous said...

have you heard the one about a man's penis smelling like goat cheese?

add THAT one to the recipie books. giddy up!

Trundling Grunt said...

I don't want to imagine the people who would search for those terms. And neither do you I suspect.

Chucky said...

So how did dinner taste? Good I hope.

That's that fuckin' crazy. And I thought I had an odd lil life.

Hope you have a rockin' day.

Anonymous said...

What do you use to clean your toys with? Ya know, something I might have around the house so I don't have to buy any special toy cleaner. Just a question cause I figured you would know.

phishez_rule said...

Sockpuppet - do you do that crazy salute to keep the sun out of your eyes?

Mr Underhill - One day I'll blog about how I broke one

Cazzie - it was quite creepy.

Oestre - It was a 'prebake'. I was warming them before the real baking began

Sakura - I would die of shame. And I wouldn't put it past her

Ingsoc - I'm pretty sure you'd remember if you'd seen one. And I can be quite the culinary genius when I want to be.

Nick - neither had I

Natalia - I am top of google's search list for 'shitted in her mouth'. My mum would be so proud

me - yep

Ms Smack - nobody's feated on this cauliflower for quite a while

Mist - stick to tuna. That doesn't have a dodgy smell at all

Miztris - well that would be convenient

Prof - you'll never smell cauliflower the same way again

Desi - Its more a pheremone smell I think. Its very distinctive.

Raffi - seems I've turned a simple dish into something sexual

Chris - I have a friend who doesn't eat olives because they taste like the smell of bellybuttons

Bwtty - 'it says to add goat cheese, but I don't have any... here honey, stir this for a bit'

Grunt - there's worse. Check my comment to Natalia

Chucky - yum

Echo - I used to use a special cleaning solution, but now I use a mild first aid disinfectant (dettol), a few drops in a 50ml bottle. When I'm tired I use antibacterial wipes.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

What I meant was, I've seen them on TV and in magazines but not for real.

A culinary genius? It seems so. What do your other meals have the aroma of?

phishez_rule said...

Usually food. I made hip loving (low fat, no added sugar) apple pastries last night, loaded with cinnamon. Tasted almost as good as Nan used to make. YUM!

Josh said...

LOL, this is awesome. I don't think I can ever eat cauliflower again without thinking about this, but still... awesome.