Time Out

So I'm on holidays at the moment. I'm doing my Birthday Bonanza. I haven't really celebrated my birthday for years, so this is all new to me.

I've road tripped from Sydney to the shithole I used to live in. It is a long trip, but I do love it. Its just me, Clancy the gay silver Astra, my music and a couple of cans of sugar free V. I love the open road and the sunshine on the hills. I have my scheduled stops. Mostly at McDonalds. I don't eat the shit, but they do make coffee and I love to steal their single serve spreads. I can't help it. I grab a handful on the way in, and a handful on the way out, and at the end of the road trip I count them up.

To help me be healthier on the trip, I took my own salads and had a picnic on the way down. Which was great fun. Then I cranked my music and sang along to U2 and Pink. I'm both tone deaf and flat, so I had the music on pretty loud to compensate for that. The guys doing the roadworks were laughing at me. And I waved. Insanity is fun sometimes.

On Saturday I caught the train down to Melbourne. Had lunch with cousins, before heading out to meet my sister in the arvo. She made a lovely roast dinner and I invited a few friends around. We had "Happy Birthday" spelled out in individual letters on my apple/ricotta crumble. And then we played the best game of scrabble with those letters. And put all of those letters on my chest and took pictures. My favourite was 'Hi Bra'.

So we reminisced and chilled out. It was really great to catch up with the girls, really easygoing and lots of laughs.

Sunday was for the Zoo. I have to say, I do like Taronga zoo, but Melb just shits all over it. Bigger enclosures, better designs and more things for them to do in them. And a much wider range of animals. More monkeys, in a specialised treetop walkthrough. Which was a highlight for me, because I came face to face with a female Lar Gibbon. She was hanging up against the glass looking back at the visitors, when she spotted me and swung over to sit right in front of me. Then she picked at her ass and nibbled her fingers, which I won't let detract from the moment. She was there for about 3 or 4 minutes, before she spotted another person and swung on to see him. Very cool.

Melb Zoo also has Tiger cubs, and an elephant calf too. I think the elephant enclosure is the one place that Taronga gets one up on Melb.

Monday (yesterday) was a train trip back to the shithole. Where I was in on Dad's wedding plans to his current partner. Awkward much? Then grocery shopping with Mum. We had a picnic style dinner with two friends from high school and my oldest mate brought her daughter along. More reminiscing and much more laughter. Especially when we realised that Mum had fed the kid an energy drink at 8pm.

At the moment its about 1 pm. I'm still in my pyjamas. *smug* Tonight is dinner with Dad and another mate from high school. Then tomorrow is my b'day. I don't have anything planned really. Lunch out with Mum, then a movie I guess. There will be shopping as well. I can't come home without going to the factory sales.

Photos will come when I get home.

Boredom

Ok. I'm epically fucking bored right around now. Sunday night. I've cleaned. I've cooked as much as one can with the limits on fresh veges that I've got. Payday approaches.

But that's not what I'm online to write about.

I had a shrink visit this week. No biggie. I took the day off to chillax afterwards. Did a bit of shopping and texted the booty call. He said he'd be catching up with me, before he started work in the afternoon, but after his meeting finished.

I messaged him that I'd be home around midday. Well, I messaged him lots of other things, but I choose not to post them here. They're kind of irrelevant. My train got in a little late. I was hungry, so I decided to grab a sweet tea to consume on the way home. I mean, I thought he was going to be there around 12, it was 12 already, and I had to shower, shave and at least tidy up a little. I really didn't have time to chew.


I was contemplating my drink as I was walking home. The sugared juice of a root vegetable with balls of tapioca starch at the bottom. And it was going down so well. Until I bumped into one of my trainers.

Oh. The *shame*.


When I saw him I just stopped. I knew I'd been busted and he knew I wasn't consuming anything that was good. He was very nice about it. And I was lucky it wasn't Simon. He would have ripped it out of my hands, thrown it in the bin and yelled at me. Irrelevant of the fact that we were in the middle of a shopping centre.

Of course, the next time I went to training I got in trouble. We were made to do hill sprints. Which I took with good grace and lots of laughs.

But I was kind of lucky to get caught. Its really highlighted to me the fact that, while I considered how the drink fit the convenience I was after, I didn't think about it. I really need to start doing that again.

Oh. And for the booty call. He never made it. *le sigh* I had a cup of carbs for nothing.

This weeks weight 91.5kg.

Painless

Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...
[REFRAIN]:
that suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...
[REFRAIN]
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.
[REFRAIN]
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.
[REFRAIN]
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...
[REFRAIN]
A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
[REFRAIN]
'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you please.

 

So I’ve been down pretty low in my life. I first battled depression when I was about 12. From 12 to about 16. Fuck. That sounds like a looong time. And it was. A very long, dark time. Even now I bear the scars of that period. Both emotionally and physically. I attempted suicide on numerous occasions. Obviously, none of which were successful. Some were cries for help, others were more serious.

One thing I do know from that period, is that if I ever got that low again, I would not bother to try to get through it. I have lived, and loved. I’ve travelled and journeyed, laughed and cried. But honestly, it was not worth it. That struggle, every day, to get up, to take my next breath… Just to do all of that.
 

Really. Not worth it.

I have gotten pretty low over the last few weeks. Low enough to really remember that period of my life, and how much it scares and scars me. And I have this to say.

Suicide is NOT painless. It is the most difficult thing to do. To even seriously consider it. I cannot explain. But I will try.

I think of the people I love. And of how much they will miss me, and how much they will hurt. And it tears me up. I cry until it feels my soul will bleed. For hours. I do love these people, and I do not want to cause them suffering.

So in the end, I do not end myself, because I do not think that I am worth the bother that people will go through.

The last few weeks I've been taking a break from life, while my meds readjusted. The last post I wrote, I was at my lowest the day before. That day that I went to work, when I really should have stayed in bed. I was so bad, that I even warned a few people how bad I was. I think that helped.

I took a looong break from training too. About 3 weeks. Which, for me, is an eternity. I wanted to go back last Monday, but I couldn’t find the group, and I had a panic attack and left. I’m kind of glad I did.

I did not go back at all last week. It was a difficult week at work, and while I felt ok to do it all, I was physically exhausted by the end of the day.

I went back to training tonight, and lordy did I miss it. But, most importantly to me right now, they did miss me too. They were not even people that I ‘d thought of as missing me.

I was pleasantly surprised too. During the 3 weeks of depression, I did not train. I did eat comfort food. And Pizza *gasp*. Once. And I always had access to chocolate. At work. And put on less than 1kg. Not bad. I think it helps that I have an intolerance to greasy and processed sugary foods. And this time around, my favourite comfort food was fresh fruit salad with greek yoghurt. Yummeh.