Painless

Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...
[REFRAIN]:
that suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...
[REFRAIN]
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.
[REFRAIN]
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.
[REFRAIN]
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...
[REFRAIN]
A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
[REFRAIN]
'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you please.

 

So I’ve been down pretty low in my life. I first battled depression when I was about 12. From 12 to about 16. Fuck. That sounds like a looong time. And it was. A very long, dark time. Even now I bear the scars of that period. Both emotionally and physically. I attempted suicide on numerous occasions. Obviously, none of which were successful. Some were cries for help, others were more serious.

One thing I do know from that period, is that if I ever got that low again, I would not bother to try to get through it. I have lived, and loved. I’ve travelled and journeyed, laughed and cried. But honestly, it was not worth it. That struggle, every day, to get up, to take my next breath… Just to do all of that.
 

Really. Not worth it.

I have gotten pretty low over the last few weeks. Low enough to really remember that period of my life, and how much it scares and scars me. And I have this to say.

Suicide is NOT painless. It is the most difficult thing to do. To even seriously consider it. I cannot explain. But I will try.

I think of the people I love. And of how much they will miss me, and how much they will hurt. And it tears me up. I cry until it feels my soul will bleed. For hours. I do love these people, and I do not want to cause them suffering.

So in the end, I do not end myself, because I do not think that I am worth the bother that people will go through.

The last few weeks I've been taking a break from life, while my meds readjusted. The last post I wrote, I was at my lowest the day before. That day that I went to work, when I really should have stayed in bed. I was so bad, that I even warned a few people how bad I was. I think that helped.

I took a looong break from training too. About 3 weeks. Which, for me, is an eternity. I wanted to go back last Monday, but I couldn’t find the group, and I had a panic attack and left. I’m kind of glad I did.

I did not go back at all last week. It was a difficult week at work, and while I felt ok to do it all, I was physically exhausted by the end of the day.

I went back to training tonight, and lordy did I miss it. But, most importantly to me right now, they did miss me too. They were not even people that I ‘d thought of as missing me.

I was pleasantly surprised too. During the 3 weeks of depression, I did not train. I did eat comfort food. And Pizza *gasp*. Once. And I always had access to chocolate. At work. And put on less than 1kg. Not bad. I think it helps that I have an intolerance to greasy and processed sugary foods. And this time around, my favourite comfort food was fresh fruit salad with greek yoghurt. Yummeh.