Wednesday, April 11, 2012

So it's been too long since I posted last. It's 204 am. I'm lying in bed, in the dark, cat asleep on the back of my thighs, blogging.
There is so much in my head right now, and it's stopping me from living my life. I sleep. A lot. I feel like I'm wounded and trying to heal. But I'm not really trying. I've kind of given up. I don't get dressed anymore. I live in my pyjamas. They smell. I shower if I feel like it, and my teeth hurt. I've given up on regular oral hygiene. I don't drink much. But I don't do much of anything anymore.
It's been a year since I lost my job. That realisation really threw me. And I've done nothing. Worse than nothing. My stale, stagnant life has gone backwards. I have taken or made no opportunities. I have fallen out of contact with most friends. And even some family have made no effort to respond to contact. I can't rejoin facebook because I'm just going to mind fuck myself senseless e-stalking the people who no longer want me in their lives. I want to know I'm missed. I want to know I matter. But the truth is that I've dropped off the living radar. And nobody has noticed.
I have tried to kill myself. Failed at that too.
One year and one day after I lost my job, there was an article in the news about a project I was working on. That used a line of mice I imported. That line that I was the first person in australia to know and love. I wanted to see if they had thanked me. Some articles do. Nope. So I went to see if they'd thanked my workplace. No. But I did discover that a position had been advertised at my old workplace. One day less than a year after I was made redundant. Did they wait a year and recreate my old job? Can they even do that? Is it someone else's job? If I had been kept on, would I have made a difference? A million miles of self doubt races through my mind, and no logics can dispel it.
I'm broke. I'm angry. I'm lonely. Can't afford to go out even if I wanted to. The cats love it. It makes me more isolated. I want to go out. I want to go to the gym. I want to catch up with the sydney acquaintance who is in town. But I sleep all day instead.
And today I find out that the house I'm renting with my sister had been put on the market. Will it be sold as an investment property? Our will we have to move? How am I going to afford that, when I can't afford rent? My sister had to pay half the rent last month, and had been buying groceries and paying the gardener for 4 to 6 weeks now. I've had to downgrade my health insurance. And try to suspend my pet insurance. But the pet insurance company is refusing to let me do it.

5 comments:

Tully said...

I can't offer much in the way of advice or motivation because I know it doesn't really help, but I just wanted to say that I understand and that you are not a failure and you are not nothing.

Take care.

Also, you old workplace sound like cunts.

Ben said...

Hey you wrote a post... you have done something (and that is not sarcasm).

It is a step. Please keep trying and you'll make another.

Cazzie!!! said...

Oh yeah, I agree with Ben. Missed you woman!

Epic Fail said...

I don't know a quick solution, but I can certainly understand how you feel. As for feeling isolated and forgotten, my brother did that. He stopped answering his door when friends or family came by. He won't answer the phone. He is home, inside, all day every day. But we can't reach him in there. Not unless he comes out. Go for a walk each day. Make your body release some endorphins and get some sun. Just don't stay alone inside day after day. You will die inside there long before you kill yourself. Get yourself out of that house.

Memphis Steve said...

I don't guess it helps much, but you have a lot of friends here on the net. We may not be able to come and sit with you or go out places with you, but we still care about what's happening with you and how you're doing.