Adventures of Retardogirl

Damn. Friday mornings suck sometimes. A long, grinding week and you have no brain function left. And I'm no exception.

This morning I was asked to do a simple task - roll up a floor mat and take it up to reception. Easy right? Not for Retardogirl its not!

I dragged said matt up to reception. Greeted the security guard, swiped my ID card and tugged at the door. When it didn't open, I put my weight behind it, pulling with my full 85kg. And nearly fell arse over tit when it didn't open.

Realising I had to push the door, I proceeded to do so. Leaning up against the door to try to open it. The security guard was almost pissing himself laughing as he offered to get the door for me. Retardogirl didn't realise she needed to swipe again.

So I swiped and opened the door, dragging the matt through behind me. Red faced, I dumped it under the desk and turned to run away in shame. Only to get two steps and be yanked backwards as my ID card and lanyard got tangled in the drawstring of the bag. As I bent down to untangle it I managed to make a semi redeeming pun about needing a weekend, before I turned and fled.

Nearly knocking myself out on the door that was closing behind me...

The Reason.

For quite a long time I've disliked mushrooms. More than disliked. The thought of adding them to any food was absolutely nauseating to me. I couldn't even stand to add them to spaghetti sauce! It has only been very recently that I can eat them.

This traced back to a very, very vague memory that I had as a child. Indeed, the memory was so vague, that I thought it to be a dream. It has recently been referred to in conversation, and confirmed that it was an actual occurrence.

I must have been 5 or 6. And my father cooked mushrooms for dinner. Now, all he did was braise them in butter. Did I say braise? That indicates that it might be something nice. He took it a bit far though, always 'braised' his mushrooms in butter, until they resembled some kind of lumpy volcanic mud, dolloped onto your plate. And it stunk to high heavens. He never added anything to it, except maybe some salt and pepper. I'm sure it could be made quite nice, but Dad just massacred it!

Anyway, he served this goo to us one night for dinner. We were given an ultimatum, I think, eat it or no dessert. I don't remember eating it. But my brother did. The whole damn lot. And he sat there and looked uncomfortable after it. And then he did the grossest thing imaginable. He threw up. The whole lot. On.His.Plate! And it looked exactly the fucking same as it did before he ate it.

And that's why I don't like mushrooms!

I couldn't make this shit up!

Original article can be found here.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

I could blog...

• the week I spent living in the past
• the time I watched a friend repeatedly smash himself over the head with a glass
• the flowers I got on Friday
• how everybody smelt like sex on Friday
  
• the gym instructor who shits me
• and the gym instructor that tells us to work out to music, but who cannot pick the beat to save his life.
• why I was gutted by the news on the day Obama won the election.
  
• the time I cleaned the floor with bread (yes, this really did happen).

I could blog it all. But, you see, I've lost my blogging mojo. I can't find it anywhere. I even looked down the back of the couch. The truth is that right now, my life is pretty basic - work, gym, sleep, repeat. I don't even cook or eat really.

I know if I say I'll be back in a month, I won't. I either won't come back, or I'll be blogging again in 2 days. The truth is, I'll be back... whenever I'm back.

Mish & Mash

Fuck me, I soo have the Menstrual Madness today. But there is one thing that will always perk me up. Money. Fuck off, I already know I'm a shallow bitch.

So I'm fucking grumpy. It has a little to do with the expected arrival of Aunt Flo. But mostly its because I'm shitty at work. I'm currently working for our sister organisation. We still have some work over there, and they are understaffed, so I got sent over to help out. And everybody there whinges about the work they've been left with, which is nobody's fault. And the people who work where I am. I get that they're understaffed, just shut up and fuck off already! So after almost a month, this constant nagging has given me the shits.

Well, not literally. This new diet of mine means I'm trying to push out rocks. Thank fuck I don't actually eat anything, or I'd be trying to push out boulders!!!

So I wander to work today. There are alot of freaks in my work area. A LOT! Coming out of the train station I had to giggle. There was this 'lady' standing on the corner, wearing knee high boots, big hair, and a leopard print cropped jacket. And she's talking to a guy in a silk shirt and black pants. Walking past them I notice the pattern on his shirt. Small quarter moons and stars. It looks like dude is wearing a freaking pyjama shirt! For all the world, they don't have that air about them, but they sure as fuck look like a pro and her pimp, her pimp in a pyjama shirt.

A little further up the road I spy with my little eye, someone who looks like a bag lady, wearing a top hat (sleek and tall), with a bright red feather boa wrapped around it! See, everybody is a cup fasionista these days!

I had put some money on last night. Now, I don't know anything about the races. I should, but I don't. I am fully prepared to put money on, but not get any back. Its just for the fun of it. My budget this year was $20, plus sweep money. Got myself a mystery bet, and ended up with the favourites. I played a bit of email ping pong, trying to get in on the work sweep, but to no avail. I wasn't there when they were doing the sweeping, so I couldn't do it. I managed to get in on a departmental sweep at morning tea.

As for the race itself, I decided to leave the place I was working and go 'home' for it. I hit the door 5 minutes before the race started. Refreshments were out (which I avoided), and they had mini sausage rolls (which smelt better than sex). There were 3 horses left in a sweep. I put my money in, and dragged out some ponies.

It was a truly awesome race to watch.



So Viewed won. A beautiful win it was too. Sooo close. It turns out that the last pony I pulled out of the sweep was... Viewed! Huzzah! And I got all of my gambling money back, plus $5. Which is great.

And I left there on such a high. Partly cuz the nameless hottie was looking at me. Shaddup. I'm going to do something about it, as soon as I go back to working where I belong.

And then I almost got hit by a taxi going home. Stupid fucker.

2days gone.

This weekend has been pretty eventful. Friday was a mate's 21st. And he had a party. Not too much really, but it was fun. I rocked up approximating on time (read:an hour late) and proceeded to meet people.

The party itself was fun. I didn't drink. I drove, and I used that as an excuse. I didn't want to drink because alcohol is the anti diet. At dinner I refused the pasta and potato bakes (which I LOVE), and had a roast meat roll with gravy (heaven) and salad. And then proceeded to snack on m&m's and penuts for the rest of the night. D'oh!

There was karaoke. Which was fun. Especially fun was watching my highly drunk boss get up and scream Sweet Child of Mine. Which I recorded. It was painful!

About an hour later the police showed up. There had been reports of a brawl. The neighbours heard my boss, and reported a freaking brawl! Yes, she was that bad!

I wandered out the front, where there were a group of people hiding, yes hiding behind the gate. Like they were all doing something wrong. One guy even had his drink hidden behind his back. Like the police could even see a glass bottle in the dark, behind a fence, in a mob of people. The guy was asking if it was ok for him to have his drink out there (in the back yard). I looked at him and asked if he was over 18. He gave me some smart arsed response along the lines of, 'Do I look like I'm under 18?' At which point I pointed out that he was overaged, at a private party. He's allowed to drink. He pondered this for a second, then held his drink in front of him.

Anyhoo, after the police turned up, all the youngun's disappeared. So it was pretty much me, my boss and her mate, the birthday boy, his family, his closest mates and the karaoke machine. I stayed for about another hour, then headed off. I was sleepy, and had a belly ache from eating nuts.

Damn. I never thought I'd be so old as to say that :(

Anyhoo, I awoke rather late yesterday. Quite happy and feeling lazy. I soon found out that I bought AA batteries instead of AAA! Oh noes!!! I was gutted. But still managed to have some fun.

So I finally drag my satisfied arse (I'm not taking that back) out of bed and get ready to head to the gym. My phone rings and its a mate of mine, I grab a breakfast shake and hit the door. Her dogs are in the vets (for 2 weeks, muchly $$$) and we head off to visit them. This is all the result of a contaminated treat, but I'll not go into details here for legal reasons.

Afterwards we trek out for sushi, then up to her parents place. We're intending to go see Max Payne, but my eyes are itchy as all shit, so we quit that and head home. I race in the door, unsure if I want to rip out my contacts or go tot he bathroom first. I compromise. Out comes the offending contact and I head to the bathroom.

After removing the remaining contact I boot up my computer and begin to do dishes. At which point all hell breaks loose. When I return to my desk to pick up a cup, I find several pleas to call a friend - one of herkids has stepped on a kitten and its dying. She doesn't have a car, so she needs a lift to the vets. I grab my keys and head out the door. What followed was 2 and a half hours of driving around for her, listening to her berate her children and blame them for killing the kitten. And then taking her to get dinner.

She invited me in when I dropped her home, but I declined. My eyes were still sore and I was tired. Also, having been to the vets for 2 different people in one day had me a little nervy that I might be taking my babies to the vet that night, you know, since bad things happen in threes.

Arriving home, I found a police car, a divvy van, and an ambulance all stationed around my place. Umm. Ok then. Heading in, I find the security doors in the basement were absolutely shattered. It looked like someone had been in there throwing bricks at it. And, indeed, there was a brick in there. And about four policemen walk out of the apartment opposite mine when I get up to my floor. So I played nosy neighbour for about an hour, with my eye pretty much glued to the peephole.

Then I went to bed.

Today I'm still in my jammies. Its after midday. I intend to go to the gym, and that's about fucking all!