Monday, December 01, 2008

Dear Sir...


You were my first crush. We used to spit at each other at recess and I cut my hair one day flirting with you. I always thought you were hot. Still do, though I haven't seen you in years. I have a soft spot for you. Your best mate is a cunt.

Warm smiles forever,



You were my best mate and I liked you just as much as you liked me. I chickened out and set you up with your first girlfriend instead. You were still a great mate, and I'd do anything for you. But I haven't spoken to you in ages and I do miss you.

Call me sometime



You were a mistake, but an important one at that. I wanted you, you wanted my best mate. I was drunk and horny, by your device. It was cold and you had a small penis. You could barely get it in. Just how every girl dreams of losing her virginity. NOT!

I set my standards by you these days. And every time I think of dropping them, I remember that night, and my resolve is strengthened to keep them so damned high.

BTW, you have a perpetual look on your face like you've just been hit across the back of the head with a frypan. Do something about it please.


You were my counsellor during my parents divorce. I opened up, but was too screwed up to let you in. Thankyou forever.



You are my best mate. I love you. I should have stayed and married you instead. I went to Sydney, you went to the Territory to muster cattle. We are world apart.

I'm sorry that you were the only person I could turn to when I was betrayed by my best mate. I'm sorry that someone else got me pregnant. Its not right. You can't have kids and I can. You want them and I don't. Why did it happen? I would have kept him. You would have loved him even though he wasn't yours. I'm sorry that you got hurt out of it. Before you knew of that, you were planning to move to NSW. Instead you went the other way, as far as you could, and I'll never have you.

You hold a piece of my heart and I don't really want it back. Look after it.

Part of me will always love you. I still dream of going back to Brisbane to be with you some day, but you're not there anymore. If you came to Sydney I'd be yours in a heartbeat.



Cunt. You hurt me more than I thought possible. I'll never trust you again.

Green Eyes

I was infatuated. I'm comfortable with you. We are so different. But you don't care about what anyone thinks of you, you are who you are. How can I not be comfortable around that?

I still think of you as a friend. I'd love to catch up sometime, see you in person rather than emails etc.

Movie sometime?


I did like you. I did want more. But it ended before it got there. I thought of you as a friend. After it was over you didn't even want to know my name. I thought you were a nice guy. Thanks for proving to me that even nice guys are assholes. It was a hard lesson to learn. Cruel to be kind and all.

You had the nicest penis I've ever known.



Kezza said...

Ah, Phish, you blow me away, you really do. You are so fucking incredible. So utterly, indescribably, breathtakingly incredible. Could I possibly laugh any harder and cry any deeper? Probably not - and you're always the person who does it to me.

Thanks for opening your heart to the universe like that. Oh and one last question... Why aren't I on that list (ha ha friggin' ha)?

xl said...

I would ask for a shot at getting on that list, but I'm not age-appropriate! :)

Excellent writing, Phish.

Effortlessly Average said...

I'd write something similar, but no one wants to read about my explorations in debauchery.

Seriously though, isn't it funny how much we learn from our bad experiences versus our good ones? I think I've learned a hell of a lot more from this last one than any time in which I was happier. Weird.

Anonymous said...

we all get hurt eh? great list, some were very sad to read.xx

Memphis Steve said...

This was a really cool post. You have guts to publish it.

On a different note, I'd love to have an ex-girlfriend tell me I had the nicest penis she's ever known. That would make a great Christmas card.

unique_stephen said...

I can't do this list - I mean, what would I say;

the blond from Bondi - I don't remember your name but your arse looks fab

the chic from the mining camp - thanks for showing me what inverted nipples look like.


Fanny F said...

EA is right. The thing I love about this list is that no matter how bad the relationship, it shows that you can learn about yourself and what is important to you.

Thoughtful letters, Phish. So sad .. I can relate. Frypan boy sounds attractive.

phishez said...

Kez - I did actually think about putting you on the list. But I have nothing new to say to you. I would have signed off with 'love you, rats tail and all *MWAH*'

XL - I'm glad you enjoyed it. I cried when I wrote it.

EA - would you rather be smart or happy? Why can't we have both?

Kate - I saw this on your blog and I absolutely loved it. Even though I didn't comment on it.

Steve - I think he would like to hear it, but we're not on speaking terms. So I guess the christmas card is out.

Stephen - Well, I didn't list all the guys I've been with. Just the ones that really meant something.

Fanny - Oh, he was such a keeper. Dead end job, face like a stunned money's arse, no money, lived in a caravan, small penis...

Kezza said...

Awww, see thats the sign of a true friendship, even with my rats tail you can still love me!

Effortlessly Average said...

We can have both, at least that's the plan anyway. But I've found we learn far less about what makes us happy when we are happy than when we've had a bad experience. Seems to me we learn more -and better- from adversity than we do from success. Maybe because we're not looking too hard for it until it crumbles around our feet.

Ms Smack said...

You're braver than me. I could never write a list like this. Too scary and too confrontational.


Professor said...

This is perfect. It's making my brain work. Again, you show your soul and stimulate my brain- you are a magician of sorts. Thank you.

Josh said...

Wow, what a great post. I may have to do a post like this...