Thursday, December 18, 2008

Old Favourites

A lifetime ago, I used to listen to country music. Not a lifetime. Another person, another place away, in my not to distant past. I was so sure. Of everything. I knew who I was, what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I could get the world if I worked hard enough. I knew that some day I'd be somebody. I'd count. I'd make a difference. Now I live in Sydney. I do make a difference. I do some serious help to the world. But if I didn't, someone else would take my place. I don't know if anyone notices I'm gone from my old job, even though I put my soul into it.

I knew what I wanted out of my love life. I wanted to be the world to someone. I wanted someone who would give up everything for me. Even though I'd never let them do it, I still wanted someone who would do it. I just didn't know how to attain the ideal. Now I don't have that ideal, and I still can't attain it. I want to love somebody, but I've been shattered by guys in the past, and pieces are missing. I don't know if I'm capable of it. I've never been in love, and I'm too jaded to believe that I can do it.

I didn't give a damn about what anyone thought of me. Ponder how much that has changed.

I used to make friends so easily. I'd just be there and they'd be drawn to me. I had all the time for all the people. I was out socialising every night. Now I'm home, stuck to facebook or one of my blogs. I miss that. Life was slower but more energetic. Now its hecticly fast, but kind of empty.

Now I'm not that girl anymore. I am someone different. More focused, more competetive, more retarded. I'm not as insecure as I was. I have grown. But tonight I wish I was still her. The girl from my past. When life was simple. Though that might have been because I didn't understand the rules.

For tonight. Just one night, I'm going back to that time. A storm is rolling in and I will log off the internet, and sit and watch it. For one night I shall be that girl.

13 comments:

Kezza said...

I'd give anything to be that girl too. Once upon a time I thought I knew where I was headed and now I'm less sure than ever.

Your words have made me ache, but I'm glad they did. Enjoy your storm.

Kezza said...

WTF? Twice? I mean really! I give up, proof apparent that technology and I don't see eye-to-eye.

xl said...

Tangential comment:

Country & Western music is really big here (Texas). Don't like C&W myself. Big musical clash at home when growing up.

How popular is C&W in Oz?
How did you happen to like C&W?
Why do you no longer like C&W?

Thanks.

phishez said...

Kez - HAHA. I cleaned up your spam and now you look like someone very strange.

XL - C&W isn't really popular over here. It is more for the country people. I like it cuz I went to an agricultural college, and you couldn't avoid it there. Its not that I don't like it, its more that I'm not exposed to it on a regular basis, and I don't hear the new releases. I don't listen to it much.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I came by to see Phish...but there's this other girl here.

Hi...where's Phish?

You know it doesn't matter...I like you in any form.

ciao.

fingers said...

You shouldn't be on the Net during an electrical storm anyway, Kozmo...

sparsely kate said...

You're not retarded.

This was a lovely post to read...I think you are just growing up Phish. I would like to get back some of what I was like at 18 too, my innocence and thinking I had all the time in the world, but it slips away from us before we even realise.

Cazzie!!! said...

Good girl Steph, you be that girl, I suspect you always will be really. Huggs :)

Clyde said...

Ah, you have to love watching a storm roll in---beautiful on the beach at night.
Hey, I like the sound of that girl---but if you sit home on the net, you wont see her again----unless you have them lined up outside your door

xl said...

[off topic]

Hope you have the best possible Christmas!

*~Dani~* said...

sometimes it is good to step away from the computer, reflect and enjoy the "real" world. I don't do it nearly enough.

And sometimes, even when life is complicated and fast, it doesn't hurt to go back and try to be that "simple" girl even if it's just for a moment of quiet.

Ms Smack said...

Lovely post mate. I grew up on some country and western tracks, mostly Kenny Rogers which I still kinda like... but don't tell anyone :)

x

Trundling Grunt said...

be that girl anytime. But not the country and western bit, please