I have spent the last three Xmases by myself. I find it quite liberating. For the following reasons
- I get to do what I want, when I want. No pressure to serve lunch at a certain time, no need to prep or serve something that no-one wants, or everybody wants. No food gets wasted.
- I don't have to drive anywhere. My sister is doing breakfast with one parent, lunch with mums ex boyfirends family, and dinner with the other parental.
- I can drink as much or as little as I want. I'm not restricted by the 'need' to drive from place to place. If a dunk makes a fool of herself, and no-one is there to see, does it happen?
- No people = no fighting
- I get to open my presents when I want to. How fun is faking you love a truly awful gift in front of an expectant relative? If I get something truly awful, I just don't have to answer the phone later.
This year has been no different. Everybody being all clicky and wanting to be around other people. I try to avoid crowds where possible at the best of times. But at Xmas... its all so fake. People who normally fight like stray tomcats are suddenly best of buddies. I particularly come across as being cold then. Because I am. I want people to like me for me. Not because some guy how many hundreds of years ago decided to take some pagan festival and celebrate the birth of some undead guy however many of hundereds of years before that. I hate going shopping. I hate carols, and crowds, and the fat man. Seriously, why the fuck do we put a mythical fat man on a symbol of life? Expecially when this man has sold his soul to the corporation?
So I get stand-offish. And I get lonely. I can't talk to people because I have trust issues. Even if they've been my best bud through the year, as soon as xmas comes around, I don't know if they're liking me for me, or if they're liking me for the season.
And right now I'm angry beyond words because my family sucks. They SUCK. Come xmas morning, day, night and until next Wednesday at the very (VERY) earliest, I will have nothing from them. Yep. Thats right. The only people show give enough of a fuck about me to show it are my housemate and one workmate who's part of the reason I'm leaving.
I know its the thought that counts, but when you're by yourself on a day like that the physical lack of a thought is like a knife to the ribs.