This is not an easy blog for me to write. I'm not really sure where to start on this.
It has occured to me, very recently, that one of my friends is extremely selfish. And I'm not at all comfortable with it. I'm actually feeling a little sour about it**. And need to get it out of my head so that it doesn't destroy my brain. I'm not even sure if I can get it out the way I want to.
I've known Rachel for about three years now. We had a mutual semi-close friend at uni. We met during her first and my second year. We were the same age. And we knew each other reasonably well. During the early part of my third year there were a handful of students left over one of the holiday breaks. And that was when we really got to know each other. One night we sat up talking til about 3 or 4 in the morning, about life, getting to know each other. And since then she was my escape when my hall got to be too much.
When I graduated I'd run favours for her off campus. I'd help her look after her contraband kitty, keeping it overnight and running it to the vets when need be. It worked out well because she was quite a compatible playmate for my cat.
Just after I moved to Sydney she was coming down for work experience. And she drove my car down with my cat, rat and computer. She didn't stay at my place (whole 'nother story), so the month where she was here I got to see her once. Then that October contraband kitty became mine. And was flown back down to Sydney with me.
This year she came down and stayed a few days in July. And I filled her in on what had happened just prior to her coming down.
And she came down again just last week. We'd been planning it for a while. But she told me a week before when she was coming. So I had a week, when we were understaffed, and others were already away, to try to get time off. My supervisor was great about it, but only managed to get me two days off, plus a weekend I wasn't working and an ADO. 5 days in total. I wanted 5 of leave. But I wasn't complaining. Honestly I was surprised I got any time off, considering the notice I gave them.
Picked Rach up at the airport on the Thursday night (I seriously hate airport traffic). And she came back to my place. Where she stayed for 6 nights, and paid $50 for food (and petrol, for three return trips to the city and two to the airport). It occured to me later that she probably wouldn't have even thought about that if I hadn't asked.
And from then on, Rach did what she wanted, and if I was there then I was there. We were in the city Friday, with my bestie from high school. And she was really, really narky because Ali was giving the wrong landmarks for where her hotel was. And it got to me that she thought Ali was some kind of idiot. A lower form of idiot. A complete imbecile. And I think it went bad from there. I haven't seen Ali in ages. We were absolutely inseperable in high school. And Ali is absolutely not an idiot. At 23 she has been through uni, and owns her own business. So Rach's attitude absolutely grated my nerves. We went to the markets, and Rach kept wandering off to this stall, and that stall, and Ali and I wandered along together, chatting and examining stuff.
And occasionally Rach would meet up with us, before disappearing again.
The next day we went shopping at Parramatta. I wanted to pick up a layby and some vegies. Rach wandered into this store, and that store, and I bought some tops somewhere else. When I came out Rach was in a different store, and then she decided she was going somewhere else. Since the store I wanted to go to was at the other end of Westfield, it was going to take ages and I told her I was going to pick up my layby, and I'd meet her at Supre (where she was) or 1626 (where I was going). Come out and wander back to Supre, keeping an eye out for Rach. She's not on the way there, and not in the store. Wander back. No Rach. Back to Supre, and back to 1626. Still no Rach. Spend half an hour at the calendar stall outside my store. She doesn't show. So I wander back, looking in EVERY store on the way. And back to 1626, doing the same thing on the other side. At this point I'm shitty for sure. So I decide to do my vegie shopping and just go home. I don't have my phone on me so I'll call her when I get home.
On my way out of the shopping centre she's waiting and apparently has been doing the same as me for the last hour or so. We walk back to the apartment, laughing about it, but its tense between us. That night, Robyn (who has been drinking) picked up on it. I bought it up on the drunken stumble home, and mentioned how irritating it was. Surprisingly that partially diffused the situation. But not enough.
Sunday we spent together. It was fun. Nice and relaxed. But not quite at the same time. Rach had jarred me somehow. And it wasn't going away. There was a cute guy that we had to deal with at the apple store. Sorry, that *she* had to deal with. And even though Rach was leaving the counrty in two and a bit weeks, she was still competing for this guy. I'm an adult. I know that anything with this guy... not going to happen. But its less llikely for her. And still she competed. Now, in the past, I would have never stood a chance against someone like Rach. But I have lost alot of weight recently. And my curves, though sizeable, are damn HAWT in the right clothes. And I was wearing the right clothes. I believe, if I had chosen, he would have been eating out of my hand, and not stopping there.
We were discussing him later (yes, he was that hot). And she totally dismissed me as competition. With most of my girlfriends its the same. The guys go for them first, and then, when it comes to converstation, they go for me. In real life I am like I blog. But fat. And the guys still love it. Rach and I have a very similar personalities. But she is more showy and superficial than I. And it shows, through her actions, and her jewellery, and her conversation. Yes, in that order.
Naturally it bugged me that she hadn't realised I've changed. I hate it, but I have. i'm used to being underestimated. I encourage it in certain circumstances. But not in my friends. Life is just not as sweet as it was when I first knew her. She knows what I've been through.
After dinner that night I told her how I'd been dwelling on stuff. Negative stuff. Occasionally the assault by my ex housemate in June. But mostly, at the moment, the miscarrage. And how I have no one to talk to about it. Even now it hurts too much to cry. She knows about all of this stuff. Being one of my closest friends she would have to. But she had been at my place for 4 days, together for most of this time. And she had yet to ask me how my life was going. I knew about all of her stressors. Grades, and graduation, and getting a job, and what she was going to get her sister for Christmas. It was all we'd talked about.
But for me to talk about what I wanted, what was getting to me, I had to bring it up. In a public place. Down at Darling harbour, after dinner, over coffee. And I nearly burst into tears. I hate crying. And crying in public... I haven't done since year eight when I told one of my mates I was sexually abused by my cousin and she turned around and told the year levels biggest gossip. (Thats a whole nother story again, but my mum found out from the mother of someone in my year level). Needless to say I'm not doing too good, and I have no one to talk to about it. And it took four days for it to be bought up in conversation with (but not by) someone who knows me reasonably well.
I bought her a chirstmas present. It was a cheap pen and keyring set. And I got it engraved.
And she gave me a hug. She hadn't got me anything. I can live with that. It would have been nice to have the thought there but...
Anyway. She forgot it. And its still sitting here. She flies out in a week and I can't afford to post it until Thursday. The engraving cost me over $25. The only thing she can offer - post it to someone who's flying over in January.
And its then that it occurs to me. Rachel is so self centred. Beyond confident. I'm confident. But I don't go that far. She wants everything to be about her. She didn't give a damn that something was eating me from the inside out. Anybody who knows me, and gives a damn, would have been able to spot that a mile away. She didn't think to get me anything for Christmas. Honestly, it doesn't bug me that much, except I put alot of thought into that gift. And its like it doesn't matter to her. There was no show that it meant anything to her. I can't help but feel like I've wasted my time cultivating a friendship that was all one sided. I have a very giving nature and she exploited that. In the beginning it was a mutual firendsip. I'm not sure where it went astray. But its not a good feeling.
** Earlier I blogged about not being comfortable blogging about my family. This is a prime example of why I feel this way. Though this is not aimed at my family, the principle is the same. Its nothing major. But it is. Its at times like this I'm using my blog as a journal, not as a communication medium.