Monday, December 18, 2006

The promise of youth

When I was in high school I had so much promise. I was going places. I was going to be famous, and make tons of cash, and help people, but work with animals at the same time. They weren't idle dreams. Everybody knew and recognised it. I stood out from the crowd. And because it was recognised it became a burning ambition. I was full of the promise of youth. I was its embodiment.

So I went to university. I was the one that everyone would love to hate. I rarely went to class and still got top marks. The only time I was ever really really into a subject I topped the class. #1. Thats what happened when I tried. And when I didn't I was still in the top 15%. And the people there saw the same. When I got a job, I was talking to the cleaner and she said 'We'll be seeing your name in lights before long'. But somehow that all got lost.

Unfortunately my degree was offered to get people to study. To take their money and teach them. I hold a science degree. And applied science degree. Its the 'arts' of science. Just after I graduated I was unemployable. I was 'overqualified' to do what I wanted. Hence to do what I wanted I had to get out into the workforce. I just needed a foot in the door job. And thats what I got. A foot in the door, dead end job. There is no money working with animals. You do it for the love of it. I've always known it.

I heard the other day that if you haven't studied in five years all you've learnt is useless. I've wasted all the potential that I ever had. I'll never get to taste fulfilled promise.

I really don't get some things. The way life turns out. How it is affected by people who know nothing but numbers. My entire lifes path is completely strewn from what I wanted, just to fill numbers in a useless course. And to get what I want, I have to go back to when I was 18. Give up my degree. Give up all the experience I've so painfully earnt. It doesn't mean anything. But still keep the debts. Keep the memories. They don't mean anything either way.

Its only 5 years. Guess that doesn't mean much either.

"This girl tries her best everyday,
But it's all gone to waste
'cause there's no one around,
This girl she can draw she can paint,
Likes to dance she can skate,
Now she don't make a sound"


mist1 said...

Ah, the debts. I'm trying hard to forget those.

phishez_rule said...

Me too. They're going to follow me until the day they die.

Desirea Madison said...

Are you planning to get another degree? They call our syndrome the "Quarter Life Crisis." Two girls wrote a book on it.

phishez_rule said...

Desi - I can't afford to get another degree. I do want to do further study though.