I need to stop thinking and just get this all out of my head. A huge coffee sits on my desk. Well, an empty coffee cup. I should go to bed. I'm tired but I don't want to. Blue pills bring you up, red pills bring you down. Maybe a sleeping pill, if I had any. I stop all the time to pick pimples. I'm obsessive over it at the moment. I'm mutilating my skin. Several raw wounds flare up on my cheeks and chin. I cannot stop. I don't know how. I must empty my brain.
I'm so angry right now. I think it, I type it and it sounds flat in my head. It doesn't capture the wetness in my eyes, the way my fingers tremble every time I pause. The way my breath catches in my throat when I try to compose myself. I feel like there is no letting go of it. It eats me alive. Consumes me and there is nothing left.
I worry. Its all work stuff but its causing this. Its ruining my life right now. I feel like I'm going to be sick. Though my stomach is empty of all but the coffee. I worry about my friend at work. She's going through utter hell. The work bully has overstepped his boundaries. He's pushing her and another out. The other has been there for 12 or 13 years. My friend is the hardest working individual there. She works all of her breaks, begins before starting time and is often there after knock off. And still he gives her more work, still he berates her and then holds her up from doing her work when she has no time to spare, and will tell her off for not getting her work done! I'm pushing for my friend to go to her HR manager. I worry that she will not go if there is no one there to support her. I have told her I will support her. I will give her all of my evidence that I have documented. But still she doesn't go. Today I offered to physically go with her to offer moral support. I worry that I'm going to snap and stab him in the throat. I don't talk to him. I cannot do it. And it confuses him. I hate him so much it burns. I jobsearch for her harder than I ever did for myself.
I worry that I'll never be able to work in a real environment again. One where you don't need to be constantly looking over your shoulder, pulling knives out of your back, or jumping at shadows. A job where I won't think of slashing my wrists just so that I never have to go back. Work has warped me beyond recognition.
I cannot stay home. I have nothing to do at nights, but I cannot stay home. I am weary within myself. I do not enjoy my own company at the moment and I find the cats too clingy at times. So I go. Anywhere. I went shopping tonight but could not tolerate the crowd. I wanted to hit people, spit on them and scream. I wanted to shock them out of their sane reverie. I couldn't breathe. It has been about 4 years since I've been this way and it scares me. I cannot be comfortable at home or out. I went to see a movie. I was comfortable sitting in the dark, by myself. And that's about the only place I can do it. I hate this place