Saturday, June 28, 2008

Recovery

The thing about mental illness is that, even when you know you're bad, you never realise how bad you are, until normalness returns. I have bipolar.

I've known for the last three or four weeks that I've been getting pretty bad. The dead giveaway - I didn't get any hormonal surge when I ovulated. Normally I'm viciously horny. But this month - nothing. My body chemistry is so out of whack. I ended up screaming at a co worker on Thursday. He's a passive agressive, childish bastard, who's ten years older than me. Frustration much?. And then there was the post a week ago.

Last night I cleaned. And today I cleaned. This place is spotless. Obsessively so. But it was good. I scrubbed the kitchen and did all the dishes (including my housemates), made my bed, scrubbed the toilet, even though it was done a few days ago, did 3 loads of washing, vacuumed, mopped, disinfected the litter tray, washed the rack that hold all of my toiletries in the shower (it was red with mould, ewww), tidied my desk, then dragged everything off it, dusted it and rearranged all cords that were just hanging around, straightened the couch, ... you get the drift. I CLEANED. Last time I was this bad I alphabetised my dvd's, took everything out of the cutlery drawer and washed it, got the cobwebs, windexed every mirror in the place, washed the fridge out, swept the balcony etc. Last time took 7 hours, this time only took about 4.

I had to force myself to stop. I went out to get lunch. To westfield. On a Saturday lunch, where there were a lot of people. I wondered how I'd go. Walking through a very busy section near some escalators and some prick dodges around slow cunt, right into my path. I sidestep him, as you kind of have to, and wait for the anxiety to hit and...

nothing.

It was quite a strange feeling. Elation, relief. I spent a good hour walking around the shopping centre just because I could. Yay me!

I know I'm still not all good, I won't be til I finish my current job. I have two weeks only left. The end is in sight.

11 comments:

Scorpy said...

I didn't know you were back. I'll reinstall you on my Blogroll,
I have BP also and have know for a while but kept telling myself it was something else. My Doctor tells me otherwise. I cleaned all last weekend and then took my library apart and rearranged every book by Author, size and frequency read. I hate the lows that come with it almost as much as the highs. I dread the highs because i know what follows. Take care :)

Princess of the Universe said...

I just have the depression - no highs to go with.
Please feel free to come by my place to clean.

I'm glad things are looking better for you!
xo

Anonymous said...

My doctor worked a combination of drugs plus omega fish oil. Not a cure. It does help level out the highs and lows. I hope you do well.

Josh said...

Glad that you feel like you are returning to normal. At least it sounds like you're able to channel your energy to good ends while your chemistry sorts itself out.

I personally use a combination of a mild antidepressant and fish oil, and it works quite well to keep me level-headed.

sparsely kate said...

I didn't know about the fish oil! I have some in my pantry, it's worth a try hey Phish?

Hang in there chooken. xx

MissE said...

How did I miss that the phish had moved back in?

I hope you're feeling better, sweetie.

phishez_rule said...

I gotta say I'm surprised. I didn't know that the obsessive cleaning bit was bipolar. I just thought it was something I did. I'm not medicated. I watch what I eat, I make sure I exercise regularly, I make sure I sleep. I avoid drinking at night, unless I'm out being social and dancing.

I don't want to be medicated. But I'm not stupid enough to avoid it if I need it. I managed to withstand the ravages of this disease when I was an adolescent dealing with sexual abuse, living with an abusive father. There's not much worse life can throw at me, that I can't deal with.

I've never heard about the fish oil bit.

phishez_rule said...

Scorpy - I had a day where I had four cycles of highs and lows. It was fucking terrible.

Princess - I'd be happy to clean your place. Just buy me a ticket and I'll be there.

Anon - I'm doing ok. I think I'm on the way up.

Josh - cleaning is much better than moping.

Kate - you have no idea how hard it is for me to type or write the word 'fish'. I have to actually stop and think of it.

MissE - you're just not paying attention then :P

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

As one who has suffered from serious, clinical depression for more that 40 years, I understand the down feelings. The title of ‘60s songwriter/singer Ian Farina’s only book (was he killed in a motorcycle accident the day it was published) tells it—for me, anyway—the way it is: “Been Down So Long It Feels Like Up to Me.”

fingers said...

Hey, did everyone catch that 2-hour special on loons they had on Foxtel ??
Stephen Fry narrated his way through a fabbo selection of bipolar celebrity whackjobs ??
The queen's ex-boat driver was my favourite; angels anyone.
Anyway, I'm having ice-cream with fresh strawberries tonight if you feel like popping over...

Kelly said...

first... I am very sorry that hearing the song I posted made you clean so much. Who knew CC made people have episodes where they obsessively clean...? ;-)

Second... did I read that you are leaving your job? yay!