There are times when I wonder about the course life has taken me on. I was abused as a child. Its no secret. I'm not proud of it (hey, who would be?), but it really has had such an influence on who I am.
When I was home last, I was shown some pictures of me as a youngster. And OH MY GOD if I didnt have the makings to be the biggest slut this side of the equator. But being abused made me look within myself for the strength to get through day to day. But it also has given me the strength to help everyone around me. This, in turn, has made me less dependant on other people to validate my existance. And as such, I am not the slut that my childhood pictures would make everyone think I am. Instead, I am a well adjusted, emotionally free, extremely indepenandt woman. There is nothing that I cannot do. Or ask someone else to do for me, without thinking that I have to sleep with them as payment. I have the ability to learn. I have always had this ability, but I beleive that if things hads not happened the way it had, then I would have always have been selling myself short. As it currently stands, I can do anything I want. And I am not hindered by what I could have, or should have been.
My abuser is getting marrried this weekend, or last weekend (or sometime around now). I have forgiven him. A long time ago. But not really as much as I have at the moment. At this moment, I am not grateful for what he has done, but I am grateful for the influence of everybody else, who have shaped me because of what has happened, to be the best I can be, and to never expect any less than the best from everybody else.
5 comments:
You my dear are fucking awesome. You're like some highly evolved being. I'm serious. Jebus, to come to that conclusion. To be grateful for what was done to you. Well, i have no words.
You rock.
I feel the same way about you darl.
To be totally truthful (seeing as that seems to be the theme of the week) I still have alot of issues.
I mean, I feel that this happening had caused, or at least exacerbated, the change in my father, which led to my parents getting divorced. I know its really, REALLY dumb, but I can see it.
But at the same time I have the ability to know its just a psychological thing caused by past events, and my parents rather bitter divorce is NOT my fault.
And you've had NO therapy? To come to these conclusions yourself is just amazing.
Hugs.
phishez? you're awesome.
steph? i know you've been through something similar, and you're awesome too.
have you two considered getting together and combining your awesomeness? seriously, you're both very inspirational.
i don't want to use "congratulations" but i really can't think of any other word to describe how impressed i am at your maturity and enlightenment. you're fantastic, phishez. :)
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