I’ve Got CRABS!!!

I went for a drive to get a coffee today and ended up with crabs. Big, fat, hungry crabs. I’ve had them in the past, for quite a while, and it took me ages to get rid of them. And now I’ve been bitten again. Let me explain…

We went to the shopping center one suburb over to get a coffee (very necessary after last nights drinking efforts). Going in we drove past a pet shop, and we (I) decided to go in and see what they had there. I’d had hermit crabs in the past, for a few years actually, and I’ve always wanted them again. So I decided, before I even got into the store, I’d buy more. I got to having a look a them, and whilst deciding which ones I wanted I had two pretty big guys on my hand, wallet in the other. And one of them decides its hungry and the skin on my hand looks taaasty.

So here I am, with one hand full of crabs (how often do you get to say that in your lifetime), and the other full of wallets and keys, one crab biting me, and my friend too scared to come near me to empty my OTHER hand so I can remove said biter. By the time I managed to get the shop girl to take my possessions he had a more than firm hold. So here I am, tapping on this crab, blowing on him, and trying to pull him off without taking half the skin off my palm. One of the shop girls suggests dunking my hand, with attached crab, into the fish tank next to me. No response from bitey, except to take a firmer grip. Cue the toe curling and wincing. We waited a little longer. Still no response. We tried sliding a card under him to lever him off. Didn’t work. Meanwhile, I have fish all over my hand, leading me to believe that I’ve been bleeding in the water. And it stings enough to back me up too. Five minutes later I’m still waiting for this thing to drop off. But the good news is that the fish tank water is cold enough that I can’t feel my hand. I have quite a few ‘observers’, and have managed to convince a child that she should also get crabs. Though not Bitey.

One of the shop girls comes over. She’s rung a vet to see if there’s anything we can do to get it off. He recommends waiting. Five more minutes pass, with pleasant conversation and the occasional wince as Bitey repositions his grip. Finally he starts to move. I grab him and drag him off. Out shoots the OTHER claw to get a grip. It closes down and I think “No way buster”, still pulling and eventually giving him a small prize of a piece of skin. He gets tossed back into the tank where he curls up exhausted. Bitey must be a guy. Once he’s done its straight to sleep and bugger the world.

I am now missing the top layer of skin, approximately the size of my little finger nail, at the base of my left little finger.

Needless to say I didn’t get Bitey, but I now have three small crabs.

I never said I was sane.