I have previousy blogged about some of my life experiences. I don't particularly want to relate the story again. So thise who want to read or reread can find it here.
The long term consequences of this will last my whole life. Yes, it has shaped who I am. I am a strong, independant woman. But maybe a little too much so. And it really shows at times like this.
I had a chance to talk with someone. Really talk. With no flirtaciousness, no sexual tension. Just straight up talking with someone who knows me well enough to know that, no matter what I say, nothing just goes away by itself. With someone who I regard as a good friend. With someone that I know I should be able to trust. But I couldn't. I had the chance to discuss stuff that has been eating at me for months and months. And I didn't take it.
Which brings me to ask myself. Why is it that I absolutely cannot tell the people who matter, the ones who do need to know. "Hey, theres something you need to know about me. Something that you can rationally explain all of my angry, disturbing and just plain wierd behaviour. So when I do lash out, you know to just let it go."
I have extreme difficulty letting people know these things. And from this arises my definition of 'long term'. Forget that this affects me. Its a part of who I am. We've all accepted that. This also affects those closest to me too. It poisons potential relationships of mine. And as a result, it scars other people too.
To anybody who has tendancies towards abuse of any kind, I say this. THINK. You are hurting more than you know, more than you will ever know.
