Sunday, February 11, 2007

Ahh, blessed internet

I had no internet last night. Stupid wireless adapter picked a night where I had nothing to do to die :(



I just checked my emails. There was a sexual horoscope thing that said every sign was the most amazing in bed, best kisser and had the most sex appeal. Obviosuly this was one of those emails where you're not supposed to read the others. Woops!



And I also found the following. They're doing the rounds so my apologies if anybody has seen them already.




In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" -------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

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Mary and her husband Jim had a dog, Lucky. Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing. Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's favorite toys.
Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particularthat his toys stay in the box.

It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease, she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him. The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.

The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable. Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap. Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.

When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love. Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every night. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free.

Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.

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The International Rules of Manhood
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2 . It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) 1 hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3 . Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6 . Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden... However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7 . No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man... in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional... at that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8 . On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11 . It is permissible to drink a fruity alcoholic drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model... and only when it's free.
12 . Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13 . Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14 . Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15 . If a man's fly is down that's his problem. You didn't see anything.
16 . Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17 . A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight for her .
18 . Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza. But never both, that's just greedy.
19 . If you compliment a guy on his six-pack you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20 . Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours. Except of course if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21 . Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting eights at the gym;
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22 . Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24 . The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken freaky monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25 . It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26 . Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27 . The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" . gets an Xbox. .End of story.
28 . There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

4 comments:

Steph said...

I liked the dog story. Glad i never stayed there or he would have brought her a purple vibrator :P

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Thank you. I have filed all of that information in my immense brain under “Trivia for Parties, Games, and Sermons.”

Cazzie!!! said...

Shucks, I tried to lick my elbow, but alas, I could not, LOL.

phishez_rule said...

Steph - I loved that story too. And I think EVERYBODY should be bought a purple vibrator

Nick - That would make one hell of an interesting sermon.

Cazzie - There was a fact that said 75% of people would try that. I'll bet you looked like a retard doing it too!