Monday, October 08, 2007

Good old porn brown

A while ago there was a pretty suggestive picture published about Madonna. Oh, you all know the one I'm talking about. Don't feign innocence. The pic of her and hubby (what's his name again?) having just purchased the strap on. And it got me thinking. Yeah, yeah. Shaddup. The cogs turn slowly.

"Hi, my name is Phish, and I'm a vibrator addict." Nah, just kiddin. I'm just a kinky biatch.

I buy my toys online. I always have. Only once have I ventured into a sex shop. A dingy little upstairs building in my current city of residence. Surprisingly, it stretched back quite aways. There were about three aisles. Crammed floor to ceiling with porn.

The staff kind of pounced on me the moment I walked in the door, and directed me to the 'toy room'. I felt like a kid in a candy store. But one who'd long grown up and discovered the joys of a bit of kink. I made my shortlist, and then decided to browse the toys they had hanging from the roof.

So I wandered out into the store with my mate in tow. And I paid close attention to the other customers. Mostly because it was hard not to notice how uncomfortable they were. I walked past one middle aged guy, and he froze. Literally. And just stared at the floor until I was a safe distance away. Or they suddenly find the ceiling to be damn interesting. Hilarious.

Um, hello! I'm in the sex shop too you know, I'm not going to think you're a pervert for browsing a goddamned magazine stand. Although you, over there by the VHS, less money on porn, more on TECHNOLOGY!

So I selected what I wanted and wandered up to the counter. And up there I was chatting to the guy. I asked him about what to use to clean it, since I'd almost used up my last bottle of cleaner*. Then he tested it. Not on me. Just, he put it through the motions, to make sure it was working. Then he wrapped it up in brown paper. Laughing as he did so 'good old porn brown.'

And it turned the cogs a bit more. What's the point in wrapping stuff in brown paper? If you're walking out of an adult store with something small and flat wrapped in brown paper, you've got porn. Who gives a shit. Like nobody on the street has ever watched porn and is judging you for buying it. At least you have the morals to go and pay for it. Either that, or you have a shit internet connection.

And if you walk out with a lumpy package, everybody knows you've got a toy. And you know what? I don't give a flying fuck. So I masturbate. So does apparently 60% of women my age and 100% of males. Of all ages. Who cares? So long as I don't have strangers discussing the merits of this product over that one, I don't.

Although, I think strap ons are a league of their own. Wrap those bastards in the brown paper bitches!

*For the record. Those people who will inevitably search vibrator clean or cleaner, use a few drops of dettol in about 10mL of water.

29 comments:

Kelly said...

LMAO! My Han Solo doesn't like to be suffocate so...

But he has to deal with it, cause he is still wrapped up in that brown paper bag in the back of my drawer...

I live with my parents... what do you expect.

I am SUCH a loser! :-) hahaha

colonel eggroll said...

When I worked at a video store people got so uncomfortable when I put the porn away. Some attempted to make small talk, others ran away. We had baggies for it, but it was very obvious what was in the bags....

sharnee said...

I worked at a sex shop for just over a year and it was an awesome job! We had strippers and toys and fake vaginas that I, on more than one occasion, liked to feel: so what if I spent a good 12 months of my mid 20s sticking my fingers into fake vaginas! Ha! It wasn't for sexual gratification!

What kind of ex-sex shop staff would I be if I didnt make a recommendation?

I dunno if you already have one or not, but I recommend the vibrating bullet. Best used during sex - but perhaps a little TOO good for it's own good.

Also, we had to test the vibrators/toys before selling them to make sure they worked. No refunds and all that :)

Webmiztris said...

"Although you, over there by the VHS, less money on porn, more on TECHNOLOGY!"

HA! that is an awesome quote....lol!

Princess of the Universe said...

I just made my first internet purchase- I'm sure I'll be posting about it soon after it arrives. :)

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Do you know, I've never ACTUALLY seen a real vibrator.

Adverts, films, yes.
But not in real life.

MsPuddin said...

Nice. I got my vibrator as a gift, so I never had to worry about going into the store. Until, I bought my other friend one for her birthday. Personally, I find I work better with my own hands rather than any gidget or gadget…

Josh said...

I have found the best way to avoid toy shopping shame is to do it with a partner in crime.

That way you both get a good laugh and will often find out a little kink or two that they may have been to shy to reveal until it was sitting right there on the shelf.

The downside is they may run a mile from you for suggesting it but then you know they weren't really meant for you...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Phish, you kill me. laughed so hard...and smiled lots.

On sunset blvd...is the Hustler Store and I wanted to buy a t-shirt for a...friend. Yeah...a friend. Parked in the back parking lot and I went around to the front door.

Everyone...and I mean every employee there said loudly. "Hey hello...How yah been?" All the shoppers looked at me like...Oh a regular.

It was like only my, what..5th time there. I said Hi...meekly and as I looked through the tshirts (I fold them back nice and neat like I found them) and this guy walks up and starts asking me questions about the porn movies...Like I worked there or something.

"Dude!" I pointed to where he should go and most likely where the movie he wanted was...What, I guessed.

I bought a cute red t-shirt with a gal (nude) wearing a L.A. Dodger baseball helmet. Nope...no toys, well maybe one little item...not worth mentioning.

Ciao...babes.

George said...

Can you imagine receiving, by royal mail of course, a very large dildo, wrapped tightly in porn brown paper? Nobody ever said thay had to disguise your purchase

Keshi said...

never hv been on sex-toy shopping. Mebbe I should be shot?

Keshi.

yrautca said...

Havent had the pleasure of venturing into a toy shop yet. The neighborhood I live in is very fetish inspired and there are some upscale respectable fetish shops. I should really go into one.

Helen said...

Call me old fashioned, but I still prefer a hard cock rather than my vibrator... I hope we never evolve past the need for skin on skin, babez

phishez_rule said...

Kelly - mine don't like to be lonely. So if I move one to another drawer, I have to put another one in there to keep it company.

Col - haha. If youd've been a guy they'd be trying to discuss it with you I bet!

Sharnee - Do they feel like the real thing? I don't have bullets. Mine have bullets in them, and rabbits.

Webmiztris - lol. Thanks.

Princess - I bet you don't. I bet you don't post about ANYTHING for about two weeks after it arrives.

Ingsoc - I think you've told me that before :)

Ms Puddin - Depends on the mood. Its more intense with a toy I reckon.

Josh - If you're after a toy, you've got a bit of kink in ya anyways.

SZJ - He probably had half a hard on as he was asking you!

George - very large dildo's are the best ones to receive. By royal mail of course.

Keshi - um, so YES!

Y - make sure you have lots of $$$. There's alot of temptation there.

Helen - oh yeah, there's nothing like the smell, sound and feel of someone else there. You just can't replace that.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Ah! The good ole porn shopping experience. We have a couple of really classy porn stores where I live. And…they don’t send you out with stuff wrapped in brown paper. No, mam! They send you out with your purchase in a white plastic bag… with a huge pink logo of their store on the side. Nothing beats advertising, especially in the U.S. of A.

The T-Dude said...

My wife has a friend who bought a Pyrex dildo so that she could put it in the dishwasher for easy clean up. True story.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT!!! I SO want a vibrator!

See??? I am SO uptight...if I had me one...well, you know. ;)

RAFFI said...

my life-size blow up doll walked out the door with me... no paper bag needed

Kitty said...

i love sex toys and own a suitcase load of them. i have spent thousands of dollars over the years and i don't care if it makes me a weirdo. orgasms are grouse.

phishez_rule said...

Nick - so much for subtlety!

T - I have one of those. Not that I'd put it in the dishwasher. EWWW

Stacy - go buy one now. RIGHT NOW!!!

Raffi - well, who wants to hide true love?

Kitty - no wonder you're my e-sister. I had two drawers worth. Then I had to chuck them because they got interfered with. I could have cried. Was just under a grands worth.

Betty Boob Hug said...

I had to laugh at your line, "hey I'm at the sex shop too" for all those who suddenly find the ceiling fascinating. Hilarious!

I keep saying I need to get a vibrator but I still haven't got around to it. Posts like these make me want to hurry up and just bloody order one!

Kitty said...

betty- order two babes.

Betty Boob Hug said...

Phish, I just read that I am part of your e-family and you put me as the cool aunty.

I am very happy with this! I am loving the cool aunty tag - because I'm definately no fun as the cool real-life mum, ask my kids, hahahah.

And after reading about Obesio's wish to be the dirty uncle that slides up to young relatives beneath the swimming pool, I am now chuckling to myself every couple of seconds just visualising that. He is so wrong! should he really get an invite to the Christmas pool party?

unique_stephen said...

I do like my pr0n in brown - kind a like unwrapping a present when you get home.

Josh said...

Yeah, it's about time for me to make another trip as well and see what kinds of devices I can find.

phishez_rule said...

Betty - what are you waiting for exactly?

Stephen - its the gift that keeps on giving!

Josh - more devices = more fun!

sahil said...

I love your sense of humor :) Totally.

Desirea Madison said...

In California they put them in white paper bags.

Desirea Madison said...
This comment has been removed by the author.