Do you know the feeling where you have made the hugest mistake and lost the one person you just can't do without? I do. Now.

Fast Car

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

Forever and ever amen!

I had a dance social last night. I love dancing. Its not just the fact that I'm moving for the physical pleasure of moving. Its not the music, the lighting, the intimacy of a close dance. Its also the way that I get along with the people there. They are like an extended family.

While I was there I had one of those Bridget Jones moments. You know where she's comparing herself to the 'perfect woman' to her boyfriend? Well I was doing that. I'm not saying that I'm lacking in anything. I quite like myself the way I am. But there are some things that will never change about me.

I will always be a little too short

I will always be fat

I will always be stand-offish

I will always be strong willed and hot tempered

I will always be independant, to the point of frustration

I will always have difficulty letting other people in

I will never tell unless you ask

I will never ask

I will never be a morning person

I will always be waiting. Waiting for the big gesture. Hell, at the moment I am waiting for little gestures too

I will never tell you when I am disappointed, when I need your support

I will always be a little jealous, or her ass, her shoes, her legs, her tan. Of the way you can so easily interact with everyone else.

I'm quite ok with all of this. Its a part of who I am.

I love this!

Think of a letter between A and W.





Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.





Keep going ............................ . .





Don't stop





Think of an animal that begins with that letter.





Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.





Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name





Almost there........





Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.






Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.





Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand





Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?





Of course they fucking dont.......


Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid blog games!

Huge spider, tiny toilet!

I was reading this post, and it reminded me of an episode that happened a few years ago. Let me paint you a picture with my imagination brush...

It was the middle of one rather warm (read: stinking fucking hot) summer. I was staying with my sister during the holidays. She was up at college and, with me being the only kid at home, they probably wanted some 'alone time'. So it was off to Wodonga. Where my days were spent playing with the kitty, playing cards, and watching daytime tv. Or, rather, my sister watched daytime tv and I read a book. Black beauty, from memory.

Lazing around the house on one rather warm day, and all of a sudden my sister comes running into the lounge. She'd been into the toilet, and on the back of the door, was a huuge huntsman. (I was going to link, but I couldn't look at the pictures.)

I should insert a little explanation here. My sister toilet was adjactent to the laundry. And it was about the size of a standard toilet cubicle. Except the door was on the right hand side, opening inwards. And you had to be pretty much sitting on the toilet to shut the damn thing.

My sister and I are both arachnophobic. And the hilarity ensues.

We firstly tried to spray the spider around the toilet door, with flyspray. But, being unable to see the damn thing, all we managed to do was probably get it high. I'm sure it was seeing very pretty things inside its ugly hairy spider head.

It was around this time that my sisters flatmate, Bernadette, came home. We both exhale a massive, conjoined sigh of releif. Until we realise that Bernadette is also arachaophobic. Thank whatever god you pray to, that she is not quite as bad as my sister and I.

She decides to squish it. But not until she protects herself. She enters her room, and emerges about three minutes later, apparently dressed to go skiing. Big, black jacket, gloves, beanie AND a scarf wrapped around her face. In fact, all you could see of her was her eyes, hidden behind her glasses. In the middle of summer.

She begins by collecting all of the heavy duty footwear in the house - about two pairs of boots - and throwing them aimlessly around the door. After every second item of footwear she'd peep around the corner and comment on how close she had been making her shots, wether spidey had moved, and retreiving the boots that were in range.

Eventually she decides that this is going nowhere. We start to think of who we can try to get to assist us to get rid of the hairy menace. Someone suggests the guy in flat #1. 'Freaky Pete'. There is a pause of about 3 nanoseconds, whereupon both my sister and her flatmate decide that they'd rather cohabitate with spidey, than get Pete in to rid them of it.

Continue throwing boots for a few more minutes. Then I hear a car door slam outside. I alert the others, and Bernadette goes pelting out the front to ask the neighbours in #4 for help. Of the two people who had just arrived, one of them is also deathly scared of spidey and all of his kin. The other has arrived from England to visit her cousin just two weeks ago. But after we explain the situation, and she stops laughing at Bernadettes attire, she agrees to help us.

She calmly walks in, squishes spidey and removes his corpse.

And yes. My sister did get to go to the bathroom.


*************************************
I like pina coladas!

Time for a mintie?

Stuck at the light near work today, and the guy in the car next to me revs hard, but can't go because the lights stay red to allow a pedestrian to cross. I laugh to myself. What a wanker. When the lights do change, I am prepared. And I zoom off, ahead of him.

Driving on the highway about three minutes later, and the same guy is behind me. He pulls into the next light and we are, once again, stopped next to each other. As we pull off, I sneak a look over to check him out. At the same time he chooses to look over and check me out. Oops.

Fuck he was hot!

Onwards!

Ok. Because I'm such a retard I can't figure out how to start at 26.

1. I can only whistle one note. Its the base note from the whistling sequence of 'always look on the bright side of life'. So I seem like a retard every time I try to whistle along with anything else, but UBER cool when I whistle that sequence.
2. I could never reverse park until I moved in to my current place.
3. I have been pregnant before. For 3 weeks. 2 weeks ago.
4. I like all sorts of music. Except trance.
5. My first pirated CD was Greendays Warning
6. I am a size 18-20. 18 on top. And 20 in jeans. Cuz thats all I wear on the bottom.
7. My cats are my babies. But they aren't treated like people.
8. I collect toy ducks (and sometimes chickens and even a parrot) that make noise, or sing, or dance.
9. I'm not afraid to be alone
10. I learned to ride a bike when I was 10. Yes. I was a late starter.
11. My first job was delivering catalogues. On my bike.
12. My dad used to call doughnuts 'dog nuts'. So when I was in primary school, and I wanted to order doughnuts at the canteen, I'd always write 'dog nut' on the bag. It still makes me laugh.
13. I have facial hair. Yep. I'll admit to it.
14. I can only do my bikini line with the creams. Otherwise I get ingrowns. OUCH
15. The most I've ever spent on shoes is $125. For dancing shoes.
16. I have a very large scar on my knee from when I was 10. It has travelled about an inch down since I got it.
17. I have a very strong stomach for sights, smells and mental images. I used to get up hungover, and have animal physiology practicals that morning. Dissecting repro tracts, digestive tracts, and week old roadkill kangaroos. It stood me in good stead.
18. I have extremely weird dreams, especially when sleeping in close proximity to alot of other people. That might be because...
19. I'm a dreamwalker. I have actually been in other peoples dreams. And known it at the time.
20. I eat mostly chicken based dishes.

22

Dear 22

As our time together draws to a close, I cannot help but feel more than a little relieved. It seems your sole aim has been to steal the last of my innocence, lay my soul out for all to see, and given them all manner of salt and vinegar to rub into every wound they saw. I’m not a chip dammit!

I came to you fresh faced. Ready to start a new part of my life. You were the bringer of many new experiences. Which I would have been better off without. I’ve been beaten, abused, violated, devalued, and generally made to feel less than scum. I've had friends and family die. I've been ignored and displaced and hurt.

It seems to me that there could have been a less brutal way for you to do this. I’d love to forget you. But I have too many wounds on my soul to walk away from you without permanent scarring. I cannot comprehend how much you have absolutely ruined any potential my life has previously held.

Where you have been the threshold of life for many others, you seem to have taken some sick pleasure in withholding that from me. Every other year has allowed, and even encouraged, that feeling for me. Yet for you to flourish you have taken that from me.

It is time for me to pass you on to the next sucker. 23 is standing nigh, with welcoming arms. Hopefully he is gentler than you. Hopefully he knows the new scars I will carry.

Hopefully 23 cares.

Go fuck yourself 22.

Its just a story

When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. No, not really. I didn't start drinking beer until uni.

When I was 17 I shaved my head to raise money for cancer research. It was a very worthwhile experience. Partly because AFTER I shaved my long (LONG) golden wavy locks, I had the freedom to do anything I wanted with my hair. And have done so repeatedly. Pink, blue, green, purple, black, patterns and mixes of these. Spikes, twists, curls, hair bands, and of course, the 'fuzzy still growing back, too short to do anything with, but long enough to get a flat patch where my head sits on the pillow at night'. I think the most out there look was definitely the two inches of permenant black, with about an inch of yellow blonde as the 'regrowth'.

But I'd have to say the most rewarding part of the whole experince came as a complete, unexpected surprise. Where I had planned everything so perfectly, unexpected was a complete shock.

Just after I'd faced the razor I was elated. I had camera crews and several journalists covering the event. Its not every day that you see someone young making an effort to change the world. I didnt see them, or the crowd. All I could see was my friends. There was one guy who stood out though. I had met him earlier that day. Dad was firing up the barbie and he called me over and introduced this man to me. He had come over from the major town in the area, to help out with the day. He was a jeweller and had bought over some trinkets (earrings, bracelets and necklaces) for the tin rattlers to distribute as they saw fit. And he told me that his son was diagnosed with leukemia three days beforehand. From memory he was five or six. My heart went out to him. He had been shattered. And he told me how he had seen the article published in the newspaper, reminding readers that there was a mojr fundraising event culminating in my little town. And it gave him hope.

As a token of his appreciation he presented me with a gold watch afterwards. I had no idea that it was coming. I certainly did not expect a physical reward for my efforts. The buzz that I received was amazing. But like all buzzes it eventually died. I still have that watch. It needs a new battery. Of all the watches I have had, this one I refuse to discard, Even if it was to never work again. This beautifully made piece of metal came with a message. I made a real difference to somebody, at some stage of my life. If I don't do anything more with my life, I will die happy knowing just that. And when my life seems at a stalemate, I will remember that. I DO make a difference to the world.

To this day, every time I think of that event, I think of him. And I hope, and pray, that his son is ok.

No noose is good noose

It occurred to me today that I'm a little bit odd.


I'm ok with it.

Foamy, Thy God

I really must say I HEART this little guy!

I couldn't get any links off the actual site. So these are from another place.

Loving his attituade to toasters.

And his attitude to the anti social (bloggers included)

Adore his attitude to diets and self image

My ideal relationship

And yes, he can be a little difficult to understand at times. But he is well worth paying attention to. He has a very funny, but oft true, view on society.

Truly. He is a GOD

New stuff

So I changed my mobile phone number last night.

It was a bit of a heart wrencher to get it done too. It was a really awesome number. My new one is pretty easy to remember, but my old one fitted me right from the start.

04 - thats how every number begins
19 - I was 19 at the time
02 - it was 2002
22 - I'd have this number until I was 22
83 - My birth year

That was how I remembered it WHEN I GOT IT. Kinda scary how the second last memory trigger worked out...

He

I've been battling with one tiny detail since the last encounter.

We'd made the arrangement. I'd given him an ultimatum. Fuck me or fuck off. When our appointed time came and went I called him. No answer. So I did it my self and went to bed. About half an hour after I fell asleep he rang. He got held up at the dinner. Can he still come over? Yeah, I could go again.

After I hung up I realised I was grinning like a fool. I had started on the path to falling for the guy. I knew it would happen. Eventually. Actually I'm surprised it took so long.

Afterwards he fell asleep. At my place. For the first time. Before he left he told me he couldn't guarantee any regularity, but yes, more often would definitely be on the cards.

I want to break it off with him. But I'm scared of what will happen if I do.

If I do call it off, there is the question of do I tell him or not? Its not fair to not tell him why. After all we are still good mates. If I tell him and he just lets it go, that would break my heart.

If he says no, he wants more too, do I say yes? I know that I'm likely to get hurt, but it would be a fun ride. And if it does work out, I still want to go back to QLD. He'll never leave Sydney. He's cheated on the person he openly admitted that he would have married. The original refers to every good looking gal SR knows as 'the love of his life'. My head says 'what chance do I have?'. But my heart says 'this is where you're supposed to be'. Privately my head agrees. I am destined to be in Sydney. And I think there is a very real chance that it is to at least meet him.

I rang him a few days later to see if he had time for a catch up session. He tells me he's going away soon, for 10 days or so. And he's been crazy busy.

The last time he went away I found out about a week beforehand. So when he said he was going away I assumed that he would be gone the next week and back in time for my birthday.

I've rung him three times more since then. And sent a couple of texts. Over a period of about three weeks. The first two calls were friend based (Clancy, social stuff). And he was still at work. I'm really starting to panic that, because he's still around (two weeks after the initial warning), he will be away for my b'day. The texts followed the phone calls. About three of them. All asking WHEN he would be away. He doesn't respond. Or if he does, it is to answer the wrong question.

I spoke to him today. He is going away next week. Returning the week after. My b'day is at the end of that week. His return day is unknown. It is an open ended trip. But I seriously doubt he will be back in time. I tell him he's a bastard, but let him know why. He cuts me off and tells me we'll discuss it later.

So do I expect him to call? He's extremely unreliable. So probably not. But if he does want to move this up a level it would be the perfect opportunity. So having the sneaking suspicion that he might be interested, I am forced to ponder the following things. Will he see the opportunity? Do I expect him to call? Can I expect an invite to dinner, or flowers, or chocolates? Will he think a gift is appropriate? Will he be able to think of something unique? Or will it be a cliche gift to serve as a gesture?

Is this my chance? Will I be too scared to take it?

Advice is not needed. I just wanted to empty my brain.

A New Game

In one of the blog circles I'm reading at the moment (and fully intend to keep reading) there is a new game, where you just list random stuff about yourself. Me is doing 100. Dirk is doing it in batches of 10.

1. I have had the phishez_rule tag for over 6 years now.
2. My first job was delivering catalogues.
3. One day I rode into a parked car. I was 'watching the tyres' and hit it that hard I bent the spokes of my bike back, and put a dent in the back of the hatch with my chin.
4. When I dont know what I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling that way, I listen to music. If I can't find a type of music to suit my feelings, I just cry.
5. I do latin dancing. I find it more addictive than sex. And I'm damn good at it too, for the length of time I've been doing it.
6. I do not beleive I will ever settle with anybody who does not dance.
7. I beleive I am easy to get along with, but very difficult to get to know.
8. I dislike people who don't make an effort. To me that equates indifference.
9. Love me or hate me. Either way I'm happy. Do not feel apathetic about me.
10. When I got the offer for my current job I cried.
11. I have had crushes on fellow bloggers.
12. I shaved my head when I was 17 to raise money for charity. The most memorable part will be blogged within a few days
13. I hate pink as a colour. But since I dyed my hair red I find I wear it very well.
14. I have an applied science degree. BAppSciAnimStud
15. I have a phobia of spiders, and the dentist
16. I have several fillings and one tooth extracted. Not that anybody can see it.
17. I bruise easily
18. I am afraid of being loved. Because to me that is the easiest way to get hurt.
19. Due to a drunken experince with a friend at college I have a neurosis of not being able to get a guy up, AND not being able to fit or keep him in.
20. I always said I would never have unprotected sex, but I have never used a condom with SR.
21. I think I have sad eyes.
22. I havent spoken to my brother in about 6 months. Before that it was about 18 months. And before that about 18 months again.
23. I have an overactive imagination.
24. I have always wanted to go down on a guy in a cinema.
25. If my best mate had've said 'don't leave' when I moved interstate, I probably would have stayed. Both times

Ok. Nuff soul searching. Any question, comments, inducements or death threats?

My Wish

I wish to never feel like I'm in over my head ever again.

I wish for people to cut me some slack sometimes.

I wish never to face uncertainty and instability again.

I wish I knew what I was worth. So that if I am not worth that which I think I am, then I get off my high horse and stop aspiring to have I don't deserve.

I wish people would talk to me. And I wish I could talk to them too.

I wish for someone who knows when I need silence, and when I want noise.

I wish for someone who knows when I need serious and when to be random.

I wish for someone who can see right through me.

I wish never to be seen through.

I wish for someone to give me a big hug and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

I wish I was more motivated.

I wish I could relax.

I wish I didn't feel that if I'm not the one to do something, then it will be done wrong. Its not that I think I'm better than other people. Its a trust thing.

I wish I could trust.

I wish I could beleive them.

I wish to feel like I am everything to anybody. Like what I say and do actually matters.

I wish for someone.

I wish I could crawl under my bedcovers and sleep away all of the pain, confusion and hurt.

I wished I never felt like this.

Fuck world peace. I want inner peace.

I was wrong

THIS is the wrongest word verification ever.

Maybe I should go for a hat trick for dodgy ones. Wonder what will be next?

The wrongest vord veifaction ever

So naturally I love it.

Schmooze

There is no point to that title. Other than that is one cool word to say.

***************************
Did anyone catch Gray's Anatomy last night? The Aussies that is. I must say it was one of my faves and I just loved the way that Izzie caught her man in the sack with another woman, but was too worried about her patient to react. She is by far my fave character.

**************************
Today was kinda eventful. Actually very eventful. There was a fire at work. In the main plant, right next to our department. Electrical smoke all through the department. Complete evacuation of the whole region. Half an hour before knock off and we're absolutely busting our arses to get all of the work done.

We didnt go back afterwards. The place stunk. We still had the toxic fumes in there.

***************************
Why guys should never interfere with the one giving head...

***************************
My new fave song - She Is by The Fray
Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land

This is going to break me clean in two
This is going to bring me close to you

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed (2x)

It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication

This is going to bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed (2x)

This is going to bring me to my knees
I just want to hold you close to me

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed (2x)

She is everything I needed She is everything

Shopping lists

Krispy Kreme, Chinese for dinner, and vodka.

Yep. I had a shit day!

Banality

I love that saying.Its not mine. But I'm going to use it until I die.

****************************
I love kissing naked men. I'd like to clarify that I do not enjoy kissing naked guys my age as much. They're just boys. Still fun, but not as good. Also this statement excludes old men.

Show me a naked man, and I'm going crazy. I have to kiss him. Of course, chances are that if there is a naked man in front of me its because kissing is not where its going to end. But even after I have to kiss him. Its going to make it difficult to keep it casual with the SR.

***************************
My black kitty, Boots, is know also known as Lumpy. Not because she's fat. She's quite a big kitty, but not fat. She's now known as Lumpycat becuase when I get home from work there is my kinda made bed, with a lump in the middle, under the covers.

Also when she's playing with the cat dangly she catches it by lying on it.

***************************
I'm going to make bikkies today - choc chip, fruit and nut. I have a random urge to bake. Yesterday I wanted to bake, but didnt have the essentials (choc chips, sultanas and nuts), so I grazed instead. I ate half a block of chocolate before I decided that if I felt like eating I would just stick to carrots. I do that when I graze. Much better for my hips. I ate about three or four carrots. Thats ALOT when you're just grazing. So bought carrots today too, in case I felt the same.

*************************
I'm currently living in an apartment block. I hate not having any grass to lie on. But at least its safe. When I moved in we did trips in the elevator. Mum pressed the wrong button on the way up one trip. And when the doors opened it was a scene straight out of a slasher flick. A small, unlit entry, with a flickering exit light. We just stood there and looked out, until the doors silently closed. Then we looked at each other and agreed it was very creepy.

***********************
Bloody adultshop.com. They're having a June sale. Good on them. But it means that all of the goodies I want to buy are sold out. Seeing as I threw out my old toys (and seriously, who wouldn't in that circumstance) I want to replace mine. BUT I CANT BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT AVAILABLE!!!! GAAAH!!!!

What makes a blog

I'm trying to convince my sister to begin blogging. She has her own account, which she uses to comment occasionally. But I love blogging so much I want to share the feeling with her.

Now she claims that she doesn't have anything interesting to share. I disagree. EVERYONE is interesting to somebody. She works in a soap factory as the receptionist (forgive me if I have the titles wrong there). Lots of co-workers. She used to manage real estate agency. Lots of idiots there. I think she'd have alot to say.

I told her it is 'just the way you tell it. I'm going through my page at the moment and theres a meme, theres a bit that i glossed over becuase I don't really want to blog it, but felt that they should know what happened, there's a bit where I describe my new shoes, and a fair bit of idiocy'. No interesting stories there.

Here is my recipe for a good read

A cup of embarrasing stories to prove you're human
A teaspoon of meme's and forwards to moisten dry spells
A healthy ability to make fun of yourself, just becuase that ability will get you through life a hell of alot easier
A pinch of vulnerability share some serious stuff and insecureties. Make yourself REAL to your readers
Day to day events. You might think it boring and tedious, but have you ever read someones diary? Its like that. FFS Steph has blogged about jogging in the early hours of the morning several times, and we all lap it up! GBE has blogged about the time her budgie shat on her toast.
A shiteload of randomness Gav has blogged about throwing a pink starburst at the telly. And on more than one occasion I have blogged about hotness.

Have I missed anything fellow bloggers?