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I've been battling with one tiny detail since the last encounter.

We'd made the arrangement. I'd given him an ultimatum. Fuck me or fuck off. When our appointed time came and went I called him. No answer. So I did it my self and went to bed. About half an hour after I fell asleep he rang. He got held up at the dinner. Can he still come over? Yeah, I could go again.

After I hung up I realised I was grinning like a fool. I had started on the path to falling for the guy. I knew it would happen. Eventually. Actually I'm surprised it took so long.

Afterwards he fell asleep. At my place. For the first time. Before he left he told me he couldn't guarantee any regularity, but yes, more often would definitely be on the cards.

I want to break it off with him. But I'm scared of what will happen if I do.

If I do call it off, there is the question of do I tell him or not? Its not fair to not tell him why. After all we are still good mates. If I tell him and he just lets it go, that would break my heart.

If he says no, he wants more too, do I say yes? I know that I'm likely to get hurt, but it would be a fun ride. And if it does work out, I still want to go back to QLD. He'll never leave Sydney. He's cheated on the person he openly admitted that he would have married. The original refers to every good looking gal SR knows as 'the love of his life'. My head says 'what chance do I have?'. But my heart says 'this is where you're supposed to be'. Privately my head agrees. I am destined to be in Sydney. And I think there is a very real chance that it is to at least meet him.

I rang him a few days later to see if he had time for a catch up session. He tells me he's going away soon, for 10 days or so. And he's been crazy busy.

The last time he went away I found out about a week beforehand. So when he said he was going away I assumed that he would be gone the next week and back in time for my birthday.

I've rung him three times more since then. And sent a couple of texts. Over a period of about three weeks. The first two calls were friend based (Clancy, social stuff). And he was still at work. I'm really starting to panic that, because he's still around (two weeks after the initial warning), he will be away for my b'day. The texts followed the phone calls. About three of them. All asking WHEN he would be away. He doesn't respond. Or if he does, it is to answer the wrong question.

I spoke to him today. He is going away next week. Returning the week after. My b'day is at the end of that week. His return day is unknown. It is an open ended trip. But I seriously doubt he will be back in time. I tell him he's a bastard, but let him know why. He cuts me off and tells me we'll discuss it later.

So do I expect him to call? He's extremely unreliable. So probably not. But if he does want to move this up a level it would be the perfect opportunity. So having the sneaking suspicion that he might be interested, I am forced to ponder the following things. Will he see the opportunity? Do I expect him to call? Can I expect an invite to dinner, or flowers, or chocolates? Will he think a gift is appropriate? Will he be able to think of something unique? Or will it be a cliche gift to serve as a gesture?

Is this my chance? Will I be too scared to take it?

Advice is not needed. I just wanted to empty my brain.