Lets see the google searches I get now!
Life is pretty basic right about now for me. My life circles around losing weight. I'm in hate with my butt. Its the size of a baby humpback whale. And we all know what happened to that whale! I've given up dancing so that I can go to the gym more often. I have decided no sex til I lose 10kg. I can't afford the nights away from the gym to go get laid. I go out and spend 20 minutes poring over the menu trying to find something that isn't full of fat or sugar.
I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday for lunch with workmates. I asked the waiter if there wasn't anything that was cream based. And he pointed out the butter chicken. Um. Thanks but that's not really helpful. Butter IS cream, shaken with salt! I ended up getting tandoori chicken. It had a little bit of oil but wasn't too bad.
Overheard in line at the supermarket
Guy 1: Man, I have blackheads and I don't know what to do.
Me: Dude needs someone to tell him exfoliating will clear that up.
Guy 2: You gotta wash your face man.
G1: I do wash, it doesn't get rid of them.
G2: There's nothing wrong with wanting to look good.
G1: Yeah, it doesn't make me gay or anything.
G2: Its Meterosexual.
Me: Did he just say MetERosexual?
G1: Yeah, metro's not gay.
G2: Yeah, I check myself out all the time. That doesn't make me gay.
Me: *trying not to laugh* Nope, you don't love other guys. You just love yourself.
Overheard on the train
Idiot guy: Yeah, Steve's hurt his back, he's got Spina Bifida.
Assorted Other Guys: How'd he do that?
IG: He picked up a lawnmower and threw it on the back of the truck and he's done 3 discs. He's got scondoliosis now.
IG: Yeah that!
Me: Trying not to wet myself and grateful I'm holding onto something.
So Steph Rice and Michael Phelps were seen making out in Beijing. Is there anyone who is surprised about this? I mean, really! Clearly they are both some weird kind of human/fish hybrid and are destined for each other. Can you imagine if they had kids? They'd be born with gills and huge feet!
I went to bunnings to buy strawberries this afternoon. The fucking cockatoos had ripped mine out of the pots. Probably for shits and giggles. Fuckers. As I pulled into my driveway I noticed an arm sticking out of a car window. I did a double take and I saw a bright green afro wig, white face and huge red mouth. I nearly shit myself! I literally thought 'WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?'. It was just so unexpected. My heart started pounding, I surprised myself.
I never used to be afraid of clowns. In fact, I used to think that people who thought they were even remotely scary were weird. The only thing scary about them were their skin. All that makeup has got to be bad for it!