Saturday, August 23, 2008

I really should stop sticking my finger up my ass

Lets see the google searches I get now!

Life is pretty basic right about now for me. My life circles around losing weight. I'm in hate with my butt. Its the size of a baby humpback whale. And we all know what happened to that whale! I've given up dancing so that I can go to the gym more often. I have decided no sex til I lose 10kg. I can't afford the nights away from the gym to go get laid. I go out and spend 20 minutes poring over the menu trying to find something that isn't full of fat or sugar.

I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday for lunch with workmates. I asked the waiter if there wasn't anything that was cream based. And he pointed out the butter chicken. Um. Thanks but that's not really helpful. Butter IS cream, shaken with salt! I ended up getting tandoori chicken. It had a little bit of oil but wasn't too bad.

Overheard in line at the supermarket

Guy 1: Man, I have blackheads and I don't know what to do.
Me: Dude needs someone to tell him exfoliating will clear that up.
Guy 2: You gotta wash your face man.
G1: I do wash, it doesn't get rid of them.
G2: There's nothing wrong with wanting to look good.
G1: Yeah, it doesn't make me gay or anything.
G2: Its Meterosexual.
Me: Did he just say MetERosexual?
G1: Yeah, metro's not gay.
G2: Yeah, I check myself out all the time. That doesn't make me gay.
Me: *trying not to laugh* Nope, you don't love other guys. You just love yourself.

Overheard on the train

Idiot guy: Yeah, Steve's hurt his back, he's got Spina Bifida.
Assorted Other Guys: How'd he do that?
IG: He picked up a lawnmower and threw it on the back of the truck and he's done 3 discs. He's got scondoliosis now.
AOGs: Scoliosis?
IG: Yeah that!
Me: Trying not to wet myself and grateful I'm holding onto something.

So Steph Rice and Michael Phelps were seen making out in Beijing. Is there anyone who is surprised about this? I mean, really! Clearly they are both some weird kind of human/fish hybrid and are destined for each other. Can you imagine if they had kids? They'd be born with gills and huge feet!

I went to bunnings to buy strawberries this afternoon. The fucking cockatoos had ripped mine out of the pots. Probably for shits and giggles. Fuckers. As I pulled into my driveway I noticed an arm sticking out of a car window. I did a double take and I saw a bright green afro wig, white face and huge red mouth. I nearly shit myself! I literally thought 'WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?'. It was just so unexpected. My heart started pounding, I surprised myself.

I never used to be afraid of clowns. In fact, I used to think that people who thought they were even remotely scary were weird. The only thing scary about them were their skin. All that makeup has got to be bad for it!


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry but when you mentioned the thing with the elbow out the window and the wig and white face I just about pissed my pants laughing.
Hahah, you wrote that out so well - hilarious. Everybody hates a clown, freaky bastard spawn of satans!!!

Stop hating your butt and please, no reference to baby whales, I'm still getting over losing Colin.


Josh said...

I really can't decide if Michael Phelps is attractive or not. I mean, he's got that whole Olympic charisma thing going for him, and God knows I love a swimmer's build, but he just seems a bit... *freakish* somehow.

Crushed said...

I would describe myself as Metrosexual.

Cazzie!!! said...

Righto woman, listen up, please don't let your butt rule your life..I know I know, I ought not speak of it as I am working my butt off everyday to get that J Lo butt look!!
LMAO at the things you over hear. I too try not to correct people in public to do with the correct words for medical problems.
Take it easy and just live life phishez, you are a hunky spunky woman and you just needto be you :)

Fanny F said...

Loving your funny observations, Phish.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like Ronald McDonald fancies you... he wont mind the giant butt thing...

Kezza said...

Hmmm, metrosexuals, I really don't know where to start, oh wait yes I do... "Stop denying your homosexuality you pack of prissies!" I mean it's pretty hard to be gayer than me, yet somehow these guys manage!

Like you I never quite got the fear of clowns thing, however as I get older I find they creep me out more. I'm just a little uneasy around someone with so much makeup on that it's starting to crack and peel in spots. If you aint in drag then it's not a good look!

xl said...

John Wayne Gacy sort of ruined the whole clown thing for me.

unique_stephen said...

Good luck with the huge, nay - enormously gargantuan pygidium.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I'm creeped out by clowns! And the guys you overheard talking on the train and in the store...

And that is what is in the dating pool. ugh.

Ms Smack said...

LOL great post Phish. I'm laughing at Mutley's comment too LOL

surfercam said...

Surely Stephanie Rice can do better than Michael Phelps.

Sure he got 8 gold medals in just one Olympics, but he's also got a head like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Josh said...

No sexin? I was going to ask you out to a movie but guess I will just have to wait 10kg.

Go dancing, you know you want to.

Anonymous said...

hello dear girl - it's been a while, I love the new layout!

You're gorgeous, so please don't hate your butt. The rest of us love you (and it).

phishez said...

Kate - Colin was actually a girl. Colleen I think they posthumously named her.

Josh - He has a funny mouth.

Crushed - haha. Just so long as you're not metERosexual.

Cazzie - I don't really hate my butt the most. My thighs are worse. But I see them every day. So I'm kind of used to them I guess.

Fanny - I love making them too.

Mutley - for once its not his fault. I blame the colonel.

Kez - I bet you've shagged your fair share of straight metro boys. I bet they smell nice.

xl - yeah, I hear he ruined it for at least 33 others too.

Stephen - mine's not that hard!

Kelly - some days its better to stick to batteries.

Smack - did you see surfercams?

Surfer - I've been giggling over that for 3 days. It was the only thing that made me laugh on Monday.

Josh - I hear you can be very patient.

Miss D - aww, thanks. Nice to see you back too!

Professor said...

Keep up the brave work on the diet! I admire you!

And i think "overheards" can be the funniest damn things ever... it pays, sometimes, to be eavesdropping!