Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Yesterday's Post

It never made it here. I still haven't turned on my phone.


I am having, what I have quite aptly dubbed, Phissues this week. I'm seriously over all the fuckers out there and just wish to god you'd all leave me the fuck alone.

Angsty Issues - Of course, over guys. Problem has been solved, at cost to me, with residual angst. And no results yet.

Body issues - I hate my body with a leaden passion that drowns out everything else. I hate my big, flabby butt. But nowhere near as much as I loathe my thighs and my disgusting pasty, soggy belly. My cheeks and lips are too red, my head is too long, I have lip hair and a puffy jawline and a fat neck. I hate my bingo wing, my elbows are scaly, my hands are dry, the quicks of my fingers are cracking and bleeding. My fingers are long and knobbly. I have pimples on my face and butt which will not go away and ingrowns in my bikini line. I have stretch marks. I especially hate them. My calves are too fat, I have rolls on the inside of my knees and my feet are too lumpy. My torso is short and squat. And I have short legs. But I don't appear as short as my body would have everyone believe. That's because I have a massive long head. I have backfat, which means I can't wear singlets. Not that a fat lard like me should. My boobs sag. As much as I've said I love them and they're perfect, they're not. They are hideous. And I have rolls of fat on my ribs that about an a cup size. There's not much to love about me right now. I do like my eyes, but I am beginning to get wrinkles around them. Am I too young for botox?

Family Issues - Shit has hit the fan. And we're not talking cow shit proprtions. Oh no. That would be lucky. We are talking about whale with gastro proportions here. Its my dad's 60th in 2 weeks time. I had arranged to take time off (6 weeks into a new job, not even out of probationary period) to head down. I decided to drive. 6 hours transit each way at a cost of $300 total, versus 8 hours transit at a cost of about $200 tops, including meals and drinks. Plus the freedom to pack whatever I want into the car and not be limited by space. I had spoken to several people about getting them stuff for when I come back. Excitement all round.

Until yesterday. Dad has decided to go to Melbourne for his birthday. 2 weeks before it actually happens. This adds another 3 hours each way, and over $100 to my trip. My alternative is to fly. But the only way I can get cheap fares this close to flying is to travel to Avalon (1 hour out of Melb, landing in a paddock with a tin shed for a hangar) and then either get someone to pick me up (which I've been told they will not do), or catch a bus back into Melb. Adding another hour or more to my trip, and another $35 each way for the bus. And with my brokeness, I that's too much to handle.

So I can't go down. And shit has hit the fan over that. I am ready to go tell all members concerned to just go fuck themselves and leave me alone permanently. I have turned off my phone and intend to leave it that way for some time.

Gym Issues - I'm the fat, smelly girl who farts in pilates. My trainer is cute, happy and stink free.

Head Issues - I'm tired. I desperately just need to sleep my life away and I'm so ready to do it too. I've had enough and I just want it all to go away. My only outlet is the gym, where I go and repulse people. I exercise til I'm ready to vomit, or cry, or collapse. My legs are perpetually numb but I still hurt inside.

Money Issues - I'm broke. So broke. I lost my train ticket yesterday. The only reason I had enough money to get a replacement was because my brother had transferred his portion of Dad's birthday gift across to me. I now have less than $10 in the bank, and about that in my wallet. And am furiously awaiting payday tomorrow.

Teeth Issues - Root canal work over and done, but I need another three fillings, urgently. Cue extra money woes here.

Work Issues - the honeymoon period is over. O.V.E.R over. I'm tired, pushing exhaustion. Arguments were had at work and a senior workmate has flat out told me she can't stand people like me who go out and get blink drunk and then rock up to work, incapable. I'm fucking sorry. All I wanted was New Years Day off. The last time I even went to the pub was over a month ago and I was home by 12.30. The time before when I got drunk was probably New Year. The last time I got absolutely maggoty and rocked up at work unable to do anything (but I still fucking did) was when the guy who got me pregnant started dating my then best friend.

Afterwards I travelled downstairs to get some cleaning done. Apparently it was supposed to be a big group effort and I thought I'd be helpful and get a jump start on it. They came down at knock off time to tell me it was time to go. I guess I should be grateful they even had the decency to tell me, at the last place they wouldn't have. But there is nothing worse than working by yourself when you already feel so isolated. I don't have much point to being where I am. We have no animals to look after. I tried befriending the new guy and doing menial jobs with him. For which I get told off for. I'm not supposed to be training him, yet the person who is in charge of training will not do it, and will let him sit there and stare at the walls out of sheer boredom.


Epskee said...

I, for one, shall join you in the "everything sucks so fuck the fuck off" club.

and thx for the offer of emailing you my woe. i have thought about it. t'would be nice to tell somebody. maybe. either that or just fuck off. meh. either/or.

is this feeling contageous or some shit?

Kitty said...

you don't repluse anyone at your gym. it's in your mind. people admire a hard worker in a gym, and anyone who proves me wrong is a total fuckwad and doesn't deserve anything but a pilates induced fart right in their cunt face.

i would love to smell you at the gym all stinky! i think girls who push it hard are hawt.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MissE said...

Sending you hugs.
Wishing I could do something more constructive than that.

And knowing exactly where you are coming from.

More hugs.

Hang in there, darl.

sharnee said...

Awww shit, I hope things are better today than they were yesterday.

And I don't think you should worry so much about your body (says she who is definitely not encased in anywhere near a perfect shell and has two babies inside, wrecking things even moreso). Not many people have a perfect one and lets face it - perfection really can be boring. Well, that's what I keep telling myself anyway.

ps: What day were you going to come down to Vic? If you do end up coming via Avalon, lemme know. I may be able to help in the transportation department.

Clyde said...

Sometimes I love having no family and then I realise that I am alone----so I'll swap you the family headfucks just to get a family.
Hey, the body issues---dont we all---the dental costs---$11,000.00 in three years----
Geez, stop the bitchin Phish---you are a spunky woman, so get on with it----
Oh, if you want a hand with the ingrown pubes, just give us a yell

Princess of the Universe said...

Honey I've seen photos and you are beautiful!
As for the rest...yeah, I got nothing. Sorry life is so crappy.


PS I wanted to send you something - are you comfortable emailing me your address?

Anonymous said...

"Body issues..."
If I don't feel like that every fucking day... I am probably on something. We all feel completely and ridiculously unworthy when it comes to our bodies. Steph/Kiley/Kitty excluded... bitches!


People at the gym are probably very impressed with you. It is a lot harder to go to the gym out of shape, to get in shape, than it is to drag the hot tiny body to the gym to stay in shape. Mentally, you are what they look up to. Go you!

Fuck the rest of em! :-* kisses!

xl said...

[puts hand up]

Hang in there Phishy!

Kezza said...

Oh bloody hell Phish, we went over this the other day and I will tell you until I'm blue in the face that you are exaggerating these body issues waaaaaaay out of proportion. I think much of it is just a manifestation of how everything else seems to be mounting up around you. If you do fly into Avalon let me know and I'll see what I can do re: transport. I learnt a long time ago that the people who cause you dificullty at work are simply doing so because once they return home they hand the power over to their husband or wife or significant other so they have to make the power trip last while they can. And as for the gym, if you keep it up at this pace you'll be the super fabulous one that everyone looks at and curses under their breath.

Don't give up m'dear!

unique_stephen said...

So, all in all one of the better days then.

Anonymous said...

Keep at it and keep the motherfuckers at bay!

It's ok to be angry but try not to turn the anger on your self. You are all you've got.

And I've met you in person. You are truly a lovely, warm looking girl with flawless skin and pretty eyes and hair and you are NOT horrendous. Your bod is NOT horrendous. You are completely average in size..no different than many other girls.

fingers said...

Apart from that, things are good though...

phishez said...

Epskee - Do they make a badge for that club? Maybe just draft your issue then? That way you don't share it, but you still get it out of your head.

Kitty - AHHAHAHAHA! Are you that desperate?

MissE - I feel like I'm drowning from all the hugs.

Sharnee - I'll be down the weekend after next. But travel is all taken care of.

Clyde - It would be nicer to have no family than a family who turn their backs on you when you're down.

Princess - I am intrigued...

Kelly - I think most women get like that. Some days are worse than others.

xl - I'm hangin, though not literally.

Kez - *HUGS* Thanks mate.

Stephen - Well, bigger if not better.

Kate - I may look warm but I'm bloody freezing right now!

Fingers - well, my floors are clean, but that's another post.

Professor said...

there is something in the goddamned planetary alignment right now because i too hate eveyrthing and everyone and it is all going wrong. I swear I could just cut and paste this post into my blog and call it a day.

Hang in there and be the strong Phish we know you are.

And BTW- do you really fart in pilates??? :)

Anonymous said...

You can come and live with me if you like...