Friday, December 07, 2007


Ok. This is a biiig post. Go get a cuppa, cuz you'll need it. And maybe some tissues.

I had a long day yesterday. I applied for a job last Thursady. Its a cushy government job, with excellent pay and conditions. But it more than that. It actually offers an opportunity to go somewhere and do something interesting in the long run. So for those of you who know what my current job is like... this is very exciting for me!

The Train Ride

Anyhoo. I got an interview yesterday. So I got the day off and trundled into the city, dressed in my best 'business attire'. Which fitted nicely a few months of dieting back. It still looked ok, but I think its time to get a new white shirt that fits a bit better. The pants are shit hot, and they still look good a little loose. Teamed with casual (but hell pretty) flat black shoes, and a denim jacket - just to get me through the rain without my shirt going all see through.

So I'm early to leave. I don't want to be late, so instead I get half an hour to wander around the shopping centre. I opt for breakfast - toasted museli, fruit, natural yoghurt and honey, with a cappuccino. It kills enough time and I head to the train.

On the train it starts pissing down. I'm would up and watching the water in every creek we go over. Its crazy rough. Water usually calms me down but for some reason yesterday it didn't. I'm mentally chewing over the research I'd done the night before; did I put everything in my resume; I still need to get it copied and collated with my academic transcript; where will I do that; I don't remember all the questions that I practiced; how will I work around questions that I can't answer; what will it be like? etc. etc.

About 10 minutes out from my destination and we're pulling into a train station. There are people getting up and moving about. I'm staring out the window when I feel a touch on my shoulder. I glance around and see nobody near me has moved. The person sitting on the outside of me is still. If she touched me, she'd still be moving by the time I look around. There's a guy in the aisle, putting a jacket on. But if he touched me, my neighbour would have looked around or moved. Plus he was looking the other way and putting his jacket on. No way he could have moved away that fast.

Then I smelt it. Nan's perfume.

Nan died eight years ago. My eyes welled up. I looked away and stared out the window. The smell faded. I looked back, thinking maybe it had been an offshoot of my own perfume. I smelt it again. Definitely her perfume. I looked away again, scared I was about to start bawling. The smell faded and I thought I was hallucinating. A third time I looked around, and I caught a whiff of it again. She'd been there with me.

The Interview

The interview went really well. I excel in social and stressful situations. There were 18 applicants in this round. I'm not sure how many days they did, but our day was the last they ran. They had over 500 applicants in total, and they were hiring 10 in January, and 10 in March.

There was a teamwork test to begin with. I'm a natural leader, but I don't take over anything, so I shone in that one. We worked together and had fun doing it. Lots of laughs and carrying on in that one.

There was a role play afterwards, and while we were waiting to be called in our little group of 6 discussed our qualifications and experiences, and how we came to be there. Quite a diverse range in terms of what they'd gone for. And the chatting really relaxed me for the role play, so I was nice and calm going in.

Then we had computer testing. Think an internet IQ test. Then we had personality testing on the computer. Just like an internet test as well. I think I did pretty well out of that. I don't have rage issues. I don't think everybody is trustworthy, but you trust anyways. No, I don't have brain cancer.

After that was the interview. I was doing really well. While we waited people came and went. The first in our group was taken to be interviewed. She came back and we swapped numbers to catch up at a later point. They came in and collected the other two girls, so it was me and the two boys left. I nicked out to the bathroom and by the time I got back they'd cleared the room out. All the other tasks had been completed by the other groups, so I just sat around and waited. By myself. For the most mentally challenging part of the day.

I nailed the interview. There was one question I asked to come back to. And at the end of the interview I did. One of the interviewees gave me a bit of a hint and said 'I think she answered it with example X.' Of course I hadn't done that but example X was perfect for that situation, so I was able to adequately answer the question that was very important and would have otherwise been left unanswered.

I feel really good about it. I'm not quietly confident that I'm in. I'm arrogantly confidant.

The Haircut

After I got home I jumped on the net and chatted to he, who shall be known as Hygienically Challenged Man. I'll discuss him in a sec. Then I had a quick shower and headed out. The ends of my hair felt like shit. So I booked in a quick haircut. Quite simple really, take one to two inches off the bottom, layer it from the ears down.


Yep. Just over 2 inches shorter. Layers from about a quarter down my ear. It bulges straight out around my forehead and makes my head look boxy! Its an 80's dyke haircut.

It'll look hot as hell when it grows out. But right now its shit. I'm damn glad I didn't get it any closer to new year! Though it'll look hot as by then.
"Hygeinically Challenged Man"

Ahh yes. The highlight of the night. At least, he is for you guys. I found him on a while ago and we've chatted for a bit. Anyway, I thought I needed a celebratory fuck. Turns out I was wrong. I should have just stuck to shoe shopping.

So we 'chatted' for a bit. With the aid of a webcam. On his part, not mine. Then we arranged a meet. I have a standard thing. Meet in public. For drink/quick meal first. Not negotiable.

He didn't want that. He wants to meet at my place. Um. How about no?

Ok. He wants meet on the street outside my place? No to that one too.

Hum. He offers to pick me up and we go for a drive? Oh HELL NO!!!

I tell him straight. We gotta meet somewhere public first. We gotta be seen in public first. Together. I go to get my haircut. He texts me. He'll be late. I tell him I won't meet him past that time. For safety reasons.

He shows up exactly at alloted time. I'm still getting my hair cut so I tell him to park his car, cuz I'm not getting into it. I staunter out when I'm done. No harm in keeping a guy waiting. If he's too impatient he can piss off.

He's still sitting out there in his car. The car I told him to park already. He asks if I want to go for a drive.

Um. No. Park the fucking car in the fucking carpark already. I'm not getting in the fucking thing with someone I just met.

I wait by the entrance for him. He comes and squats by the seat. He doesn't want to sit. He doesn't make eye contact. He's edgy. Conversation is a bit stilted but I put that down to him being horny. I stare at his pants alot.

Right now I'm wondering why I fucked him in the first place. I think if he didn't have a huge cock I wouldn't have bothered. I know that if I had any idea about his hygiene, I would have passed.

So I take him back to my place. We get in and I kiss him as the elevator arrives. And he tastes like mouldy arse. Fuck, his mouth was enough to make a maggot gag. And he was a terrible kisser. He kissed like a cement mixer. Just jammed his lips over my mouth, rotated his head and slobbered, whilst occasionally trying to lick the back of my skull from the front. I actually couldn't wait to transfer my attentions somewhere else, just so I wouldn't have my mouth near that.

We get upstairs and the action begins. I start going down on him and it's worse. Old sweat and stale cum. I pull up and gag. He didn't notice. His fucking eyes were shut. On the pretense of lubricating, I wash it. I get the taste off of it, but not the smell. The smell seems to eminate from his body. I give fantastic head. That's a fact. But this was not one of my better blow jobs. Its hard to be into it when you're nose first in a smell like that. Course its hard to give a damn good blow job when he reaches down and has a bit of a wank every now and again.

Don't even get me started on the hint for me to lick his arsehole. FUCKING GROSS!!!! Just. EWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's pushing that puckered up thing at me and all I could see was the hair and a bit of toilet paper. Just a little twist, rolled into it. I physically pulled out of that position and demanded a new one.

Seriously guys. When I'm going to meet someone, I wash first. I make sure that I'm nice and smooth from the neck down. I shave and exfoliate and moisturise. I sure as hell brush my teeth. I put on FRESH underwear and clean clothes. I'm out to have fun and I want to make it a pleasant experience for all involved.

Needless to say, this is the first and last time you'll ever hear about this guy. I hope like hell he doesn't offer a repeat performance.

Afterwards, we had the awkward conversation. He's 30, bartending and living with his mum. What a catch. About the time where I'm normally asking for a second go, I looked over. And I was disappointed. It wasn't Green Eyes lying beside me. Course, if it was Green Eyes, I'd be curled into him, and not disappointed.

I hinted at him to go. He took the hint and I didn't object as he reached for his pants. He bitched about about having to walk a block to his car. And I reminded him that I just fucked him, so he should shut the fuck up. I had shut the door behind him before the elevator arrived.

And yes, as soon as the door was shut I was in the shower. Everything that the tongue touched got a serious wash. Thank Jeebus I never take a guy between the sheets, so the pillow and blanket got tossed aside until they get washed, and the bed is safe.


oestrebunny said...

Ok well....gross....

Hope you nailed the job!

Princess of the Universe said...

Pre-congrats! I'm sure you got the job!

Josh said...

Good luck with the job. Sounds like a good interview.

As for the dude, I am amazed you persisted past the kiss.

Call me picky but I will abort and run the second that sort of shit happens.

A smelly smoo is an instant red card.

Rups said...

Does not sound like joy - I don't understand why men can't keep a basic update on their cleanliness - no one is asking them to be Metro and spray themselves to smithereens with perfume but a fundamental control of body upkeep is not a chore akin to cleaning one's room but funnily enough chips down the side of the couch and dirty jocks under the bed is rule of thumb they seem to apply to their bodies. Oh well, experiences are sometimes just that ... experiences.

Rups xox

Joshua said...

you are one strong gal.

that's crazy.

I know if I was going to meet some gal that everything would be clean. Maybe that's just me.

Hope you have a good weekend.

electro-kevin said...

I'm with Joshua. Has the man no respect or awareness ?

Don't ever do that again, Phishez ! Ugh !

Sounds like you did brilliantly on the job interview and I hope you're right.

I'm crap at role play and even worse at the team thing. Funnily I'm very able in Real World but somthing in me shuts down when called upon to act in fake scenarios.

Effortlessly Average said...

ugh, I just got out of the shower and I'm going back for another one now.

Allison said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allison said...

Good luck with the job!

I too just got out of the shower and feel the need to go back in. Oi and vey. You deserve an award for that one.

Spiky Zora Jones said..., I was with an old g/f when i was pasing though my home town. We got together at my hotel...for a catch up on everything and a fuck.

she had seperated from her husband. anyway we are in bed...and i just couldn't take her hygene odor from between her legs...Okay...Stop. I would gag if I ventured further. Let's take a shower I she wanted to fuck. No let's take a shower first. She refuse and I refused to muff dive.

She was telling me...NO-ONE refuses to fuck I know how many guys want her and want to fuck her. Christ she was always the drama queen. For all I know most of them fucked her before she came to my hotel room. Ooops, did I say that out loud? Yes...and she is getting into her clothes and is cursing me...YOU BITCH, she screems as she slams the door. Fuck, I knew I should have called Teri instead.

I wanted to shower again. It was not right, I showered, I shaved my legs and cooch. I perfumed my body for her too. Thank god those hotels have porn and I brought my good friend with extra batteries. Yum. time, follow spiky's love/sex 101 rule 12b...have porn, a close friend that takes batteries. If the next guy is a skunk...he is out by the ears!

Ciao babes...hope all is going fine with the job thingy.

hugs and kisses for you.

redcap said...

Oh holy God. I could not have done it. All bets would have been off with the kiss. I would have turfed the filthy prick and that would have been that. I'm with Spiky Zora Jones - friends with batteries are far preferable to dirty humans. But on the positive side, think of it as an endurance test - one that you passed and will never need to repeat.

redcap said...

Oh and the job? It sounds like you absolutely kicked arse, baby. They'd be insane not to hire you. I'm the worst interviewee in creation, a non-team player and an antisocial anti-leader, so it's a miracle I'm even employed ;)

Lad Litter said...

Well done on getting through a fairly gruelling selection process. As to the rest of your post, that is just horrendous. And he sounds very suss anyway, what with not getting the message about parking his car. Move onwards and upwards, Phish.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

This guy sounds truly vile.

Interestingly, I was talking to a gay guy at the wekend and the subject of down below hygiene came up. I mentioned that I always use spray a fair bit down there.

He advised against it, as it dries the skin out and makes perfoming fellatio unpleasant (I guess he'd know). He recommended aftershave instead.

fingers said...

Disgusting !!!
How do I get out of this blog...

fingers said...

You should re-name this place 'Sanitary Optional'...

itelli said...

Wow. I'm impressed u lasted that long...

unique_stephen said...

Well, I'm all for girls giving a guy a charity fuck - if they put in the work but he sounds yuck. I'd never lick another guys ass hole.

Anonymous said...

heheh, sanitary optional. Good one Fingers!!

phishez_rule said...

Oestre - me too!

Princess - I'm so in.

Josh - I've learnt. *shudder* I'd have to be a complete idiot not to have.

Rups - Yeah, I know from now on to cut and run.

Joshua - I hope its not just you who'd be clean.

EK - Yes. Sir! No more smelly guys for me!

EA - that was my attitude too.

Allison - he wasn't unwashed. He just wasn't washed.

SZJ - Damn girl. She must have been bad for you to slam on the brakes!

Red - It was an endurance test. And once I'd finished I just kept running!

Lad - he was most definitely a one nighter.

Ingsoc - wouldn't you notice if it dried out?

Fingers - no. Sanitary NOT optional.

Itelli - me too. But he did wear a condom, so dirty part touching was limited.

Stephen - would you lick a girls? Does it make a difference?

Dan said...

ROFLMAO! He still had toilet paper in his arse??

Why did I have to go and read this right after my breakfast. Excuse me for one moment ...


OK, I'm back.

Kitty said...

oh phish.

you now when your mouth floods with saliva just before you vomit?

that is happening to me. right now.

poor baby girl.

Livy said...

My God, I haven't laughed so hard in bloody ages. Great story telling there. You have a way with words gir. However, the twist of toilet paper? How foul is that?? Strangely I find greek and italian men seem to really love licking a woman's bum. I never experienced it until I went to Melbourne! I had no idea men like recieving it as well as doing it??

I really hope you get this job. Keep us updated.

OneHungMan said...

This was one of the funniest posts OneHung has ever read.

unique_stephen said...

absolutely & absolutely

Moi said...


No girl should ever have to face that...

phishez_rule said...

Dan - lol. You're silly to return.

Kitty - I think that's what gave me enough saliva to wash it.

Livy - they're calling references.

OHM - glad I could entertain.

Stephen - So girls assholes are cleaner then?

Moi - You can bet your bottom dollar if I hadn't washed he'd be bitching about it.

Ms Smack said...

FUCKING HIDEOUS! Make sure you let as many women know as possible about his dodgy nature. UGH

Josh said...

Daaaaamn girl, that shit was nasty!

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.