Guest Post

I am guest posting today. To hear about how I met my future husband - go HERE.

Yeah, that was so me the other day. As most of you are aware, I have issues. If you don't know what I'm talking about you can either read the previous post or fuck off. Some of you may have guessed the extent of my problems, so for those who haven't... I will most likely be going on meds. I dunno. I have to get to the docs at some stage.

Well, as the saying goes, what hits the fan shall not be evenly distributed. It has hit, and distribution has happened. I told both my brother and sister that I was struggling. My brothers immediate response was to offer to fly me down. My sister's response was to tell me I'm full of shit. Shit happened. I decided I couldn't go down. My brother was supportive.

This morning I had that 'screw my sister' attitude (bipolar much?), I wasn't going to ruin my weekend away because of her. So frantic texts and emails have flown about today and I'm flying down Saturday morning, being looked after by Kez (innit he a sweetie?), having dinner with my Dad, then heading home Sunday afternoon. A flurry of a weekend. I have the Monday approved off. I won't be needing it to travel (as intended), but I may need it to sleep.

This picture has nothing to do with anything, it just cracks me up.

Yesterday's Post

It never made it here. I still haven't turned on my phone.

*******

I am having, what I have quite aptly dubbed, Phissues this week. I'm seriously over all the fuckers out there and just wish to god you'd all leave me the fuck alone.

Angsty Issues - Of course, over guys. Problem has been solved, at cost to me, with residual angst. And no results yet.

Body issues - I hate my body with a leaden passion that drowns out everything else. I hate my big, flabby butt. But nowhere near as much as I loathe my thighs and my disgusting pasty, soggy belly. My cheeks and lips are too red, my head is too long, I have lip hair and a puffy jawline and a fat neck. I hate my bingo wing, my elbows are scaly, my hands are dry, the quicks of my fingers are cracking and bleeding. My fingers are long and knobbly. I have pimples on my face and butt which will not go away and ingrowns in my bikini line. I have stretch marks. I especially hate them. My calves are too fat, I have rolls on the inside of my knees and my feet are too lumpy. My torso is short and squat. And I have short legs. But I don't appear as short as my body would have everyone believe. That's because I have a massive long head. I have backfat, which means I can't wear singlets. Not that a fat lard like me should. My boobs sag. As much as I've said I love them and they're perfect, they're not. They are hideous. And I have rolls of fat on my ribs that about an a cup size. There's not much to love about me right now. I do like my eyes, but I am beginning to get wrinkles around them. Am I too young for botox?

Family Issues - Shit has hit the fan. And we're not talking cow shit proprtions. Oh no. That would be lucky. We are talking about whale with gastro proportions here. Its my dad's 60th in 2 weeks time. I had arranged to take time off (6 weeks into a new job, not even out of probationary period) to head down. I decided to drive. 6 hours transit each way at a cost of $300 total, versus 8 hours transit at a cost of about $200 tops, including meals and drinks. Plus the freedom to pack whatever I want into the car and not be limited by space. I had spoken to several people about getting them stuff for when I come back. Excitement all round.

Until yesterday. Dad has decided to go to Melbourne for his birthday. 2 weeks before it actually happens. This adds another 3 hours each way, and over $100 to my trip. My alternative is to fly. But the only way I can get cheap fares this close to flying is to travel to Avalon (1 hour out of Melb, landing in a paddock with a tin shed for a hangar) and then either get someone to pick me up (which I've been told they will not do), or catch a bus back into Melb. Adding another hour or more to my trip, and another $35 each way for the bus. And with my brokeness, I that's too much to handle.

So I can't go down. And shit has hit the fan over that. I am ready to go tell all members concerned to just go fuck themselves and leave me alone permanently. I have turned off my phone and intend to leave it that way for some time.

Gym Issues - I'm the fat, smelly girl who farts in pilates. My trainer is cute, happy and stink free.

Head Issues - I'm tired. I desperately just need to sleep my life away and I'm so ready to do it too. I've had enough and I just want it all to go away. My only outlet is the gym, where I go and repulse people. I exercise til I'm ready to vomit, or cry, or collapse. My legs are perpetually numb but I still hurt inside.

Money Issues - I'm broke. So broke. I lost my train ticket yesterday. The only reason I had enough money to get a replacement was because my brother had transferred his portion of Dad's birthday gift across to me. I now have less than $10 in the bank, and about that in my wallet. And am furiously awaiting payday tomorrow.

Teeth Issues - Root canal work over and done, but I need another three fillings, urgently. Cue extra money woes here.

Work Issues - the honeymoon period is over. O.V.E.R over. I'm tired, pushing exhaustion. Arguments were had at work and a senior workmate has flat out told me she can't stand people like me who go out and get blink drunk and then rock up to work, incapable. I'm fucking sorry. All I wanted was New Years Day off. The last time I even went to the pub was over a month ago and I was home by 12.30. The time before when I got drunk was probably New Year. The last time I got absolutely maggoty and rocked up at work unable to do anything (but I still fucking did) was when the guy who got me pregnant started dating my then best friend.

Afterwards I travelled downstairs to get some cleaning done. Apparently it was supposed to be a big group effort and I thought I'd be helpful and get a jump start on it. They came down at knock off time to tell me it was time to go. I guess I should be grateful they even had the decency to tell me, at the last place they wouldn't have. But there is nothing worse than working by yourself when you already feel so isolated. I don't have much point to being where I am. We have no animals to look after. I tried befriending the new guy and doing menial jobs with him. For which I get told off for. I'm not supposed to be training him, yet the person who is in charge of training will not do it, and will let him sit there and stare at the walls out of sheer boredom.

I really should stop sticking my finger up my ass

Lets see the google searches I get now!

***
Life is pretty basic right about now for me. My life circles around losing weight. I'm in hate with my butt. Its the size of a baby humpback whale. And we all know what happened to that whale! I've given up dancing so that I can go to the gym more often. I have decided no sex til I lose 10kg. I can't afford the nights away from the gym to go get laid. I go out and spend 20 minutes poring over the menu trying to find something that isn't full of fat or sugar.

I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday for lunch with workmates. I asked the waiter if there wasn't anything that was cream based. And he pointed out the butter chicken. Um. Thanks but that's not really helpful. Butter IS cream, shaken with salt! I ended up getting tandoori chicken. It had a little bit of oil but wasn't too bad.

***
Overheard in line at the supermarket

Guy 1: Man, I have blackheads and I don't know what to do.
Me: Dude needs someone to tell him exfoliating will clear that up.
Guy 2: You gotta wash your face man.
G1: I do wash, it doesn't get rid of them.
G2: There's nothing wrong with wanting to look good.
G1: Yeah, it doesn't make me gay or anything.
G2: Its Meterosexual.
Me: Did he just say MetERosexual?
G1: Yeah, metro's not gay.
G2: Yeah, I check myself out all the time. That doesn't make me gay.
Me: *trying not to laugh* Nope, you don't love other guys. You just love yourself.

***
Overheard on the train

Idiot guy: Yeah, Steve's hurt his back, he's got Spina Bifida.
Assorted Other Guys: How'd he do that?
IG: He picked up a lawnmower and threw it on the back of the truck and he's done 3 discs. He's got scondoliosis now.
AOGs: Scoliosis?
IG: Yeah that!
Me: Trying not to wet myself and grateful I'm holding onto something.

***
So Steph Rice and Michael Phelps were seen making out in Beijing. Is there anyone who is surprised about this? I mean, really! Clearly they are both some weird kind of human/fish hybrid and are destined for each other. Can you imagine if they had kids? They'd be born with gills and huge feet!

***
I went to bunnings to buy strawberries this afternoon. The fucking cockatoos had ripped mine out of the pots. Probably for shits and giggles. Fuckers. As I pulled into my driveway I noticed an arm sticking out of a car window. I did a double take and I saw a bright green afro wig, white face and huge red mouth. I nearly shit myself! I literally thought 'WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?'. It was just so unexpected. My heart started pounding, I surprised myself.

I never used to be afraid of clowns. In fact, I used to think that people who thought they were even remotely scary were weird. The only thing scary about them were their skin. All that makeup has got to be bad for it!

Is this not a face only a mother could love?

This is a recently fledged cockatoo. On my balcony. I gave the poor bugger a but of bread for him to nom on. And he seemed to enjoy it. This is what he'll look like when he grows up. Truly magnificent birds. But butt ugly chicks.

***

I finally got my b'day pressie from mum. It took long enough to get here! I had to get it redirected and then had to wait a week until I could pick it up. Inside I found a gorgeous silver bangle and this...


See where I get my sense of humour from? And also my tardiness...

***

I lost 0.9kg (2lb) last week.

Attraction

Attraction is a very strange thing. Can someone be attractive without being attractive? Strange question, I know. But think about it a second. Can a physically perfect specimen be attractive if they are flawed, needy or just generally ugly on the inside.

What if looks did not matter, if height, weight, hair colous, skin, teeth, hygiene... if none of that mattered, if we didn't notice it. What if we were physically nothing, if our personalities were all that we were. If we were just our spirits, would we be attractive then?

What I want to know is, do the uggo's have a chance at being attractive?

At the gym I am surrounded by superficial people. They all care very much about the way that they look. I am one of them. I wonder about them. What they are like? I feel like they snigger at me because you can see my fat rolls when I use the rowing machine. My butt jiggles when I use the treadmill and it all bounces on the cross trainer. I always look hot and bothered. My face is very red across the cheekbones and my hair is slicked with sweat. By the end of the session I am exhausted and worn in, like an old couch with its stuffing falling out. There is nothing glamourous about me.

If people there are so concerned with looks, and I look the way I do, is the gym a good place to meet people?

Whinge

I had the morning from hell. I had extra time this morning so decided to put on a hit of mascara and eyeliner. Job normally takes a minute. I glance at the clock when I'm done and see that 5 minutes has passed. And I'm running late!

I make my train by 2 minutes.

I get to work to discover
- I've spilt museli (morning tea) through my bag. I have no money to go buy anything so I have to try to salvage as much as I can.
- my sliced tomatos for my sandwich have leaked onto some of the museli and stuck it to my wallet
- I have something in my eye and it stings like a motherfucker
- I took my glasses out of my workbag today.
- I have no eye drops
- my carefully applied mascara is running all over the place and I'm beginning to resemble a raccoon.
- my neck hurts from sleeping funny on it.

I'm so much a garfield right now. I fucking hate mondays!!!

And I'm due for my period too!

Well I've spent the last few days working on my new blog. It is now set up. And I'm back.

I went into the city today. Caught up with an old workmate, from over 2 years ago in hell. Had lunch, shopped, caught up on what's been going on. Than we did a bit of shopping around Newtown. She took me to her favourite tea shop, and I had to buy some. Creme Brulee and choc mint flavours. I figured I could use it when I was having a sugar craving. That was my excuse. The reality is that it tastes freaking awesome.

Next trip will have to see me getting strawberries and cream, honey walnut and a green tea. Or I could just order it online. But that's not half as fun as going out and doing it myself.

Then went out for coffee and cake. Man, that was a challenge. They had all types of yummy sinful cakes there, and I had to have orange poppyseed. Good thing I actually like orange poppyseed. Otherwise I would have gone for the mars bar cheesecake.

No gym today. Feet hurt from walking around in wedges. But I was well behaved, so not so bad. Gym early tomorrow.

The verdict

So I'm doing something about it!

I am joining a gym. I will be going to classes. I take the stairs all the time. I think it gives my coworkers the shits, because they take the stairs too. My legs hurt.

I have made a new blog. Yes, another one! That brings the total blogs I own to six. It can be found here. But I don't want to do it alone. I want to do this with other people. I have spoken to a few people and asked them if they would like to join. So far the result has been favourable. But I want more, More, MORE!

Check out the blog. If you are interested in joining, let me know.

I hate my butt. And by belly and my thighs...

My new job is quite sedentary. Its the only thing I don't like about it. Whole days just spent... sitting around. It was great when I was sick. But now its driving me batty. My butt hurts from sitting down all day.

I used to be on my feet, moving around all day, walking to work, dancing and working out at home. But now I have none of that. Well, I have dancing but that's a given I think.

So I'm off to join a gym! I've been looking around at a few places and should be joining soon.

****
Regards to that guy - he has shown no inclination to cheat. I am attracted to a very unavailable man. I can't avoid it and I don't like it. He doesn't know that I am attracted to him.

Break

I'm away until Sunday night. So no posting until early next week.

Keep yourself entertained with some new smut!

I'm going down this road again. With someone else.

Somebody please stop me...

*****
Gutted

*****

Too cute.