Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Why do you make me feel this way?

I'm not sure why you've done this to me. I hate you for it. It began as a comment here, a laugh there. And pretty soon its all blown out of proportion. Every time I think of you, my stomach gets tied in knots. My blood pressure rises and I begin to shake. You make me drop things and forget things. I can't concentrate and I swear everybody knows exactly whats going on. I try to hide it. I'm not a big fan of letting everybody know my business. But its affecting me more than I care to let on.

I'd forgotten about what its like to be around you. Even thought I could go it alone, get over this by myself. But you've dragged me back in. Well and truly. And I can't fight it anymore. Seeing you today has made me realise that. You're like nobody I've ever met before. Why do you let me twist in the wind like this?

I seriously want to tell you to go shave. You're scruffy and you have one grey hair living on your chin. But you're just not you without your beard. And I do like that little grey hair. But at the same time I love it when you shave. You have the most kissable skin. Your shorter than the usual model, you don't care what you wear. I, on the other hand, am very fashion conscious. You love your bike. Not for the attitude that goes with it, but for the freedom. I love that too, but its appeal to me, lies more in its appeal to you.

You're so smart. I've never been with a guy who's smarter than I am. But you don't make me feel stupid. Nor do you see it as your role to teach me everything you know. I have my own knowledge and you value that, as highly as you value your own. It fills in the gaps in your intellect.

Your advice is the one I trust blindly. Your experience far outweighs my own. Your so damn stubborn and hotheaded. But so am I. Yet you don't devalue me where I'm inexperienced or naive. You make me want to get out there and do things, just for the hell of it. Take that chance. Encourage risks, but don't be stupid. Live on the edge. The safe edge. Travel, see the world. Love. All risks.

You make all of my problems seem so... insignificant. When you smile at me with that special smile, and I see your feelings in your eyes, I ache on the inside. I want to be able to tell you all of this. I want so much to just be with you. To be able to relax in my own skin and forget all of my problems and irritants. Just to be with you, and lie in your arms, smelling you, feeling you, hearing you.

Damn you Green Eyes. Damn you and this hold you have over me.

I want to date others. I really do. Just to prove that I am my own master. But I can't, you see. So while you've bid me wait, I will. I hate it. I truly do. I'm impatient and restless and frustrated. I want to move on, but I'm trapped here. Waiting.

But I'm not sure I want to be let go. I like the feel of the wind in my hair.


Josh said...

Hate to say it Phish, sounds like love to me.

Having just had one dance too many with my ex, I know your pain.

Natalia said...

Pretty deep stuff, eh? Whatever will be will be. Just don't get hurt.


phishez_rule said...

Josh - I hate to say it too. But he's got me where I don't want to be. But any guy who makes me instantly forget all of my troubles, who knows I like him, and who's careful with my feelings has got to be worthwhile

Natalia - I don't think he'll hurt me. He's already had too many chances. He might let it just fade away into nothingness, but thats slow and not painful.

Obesio said...

Why does he want you to wait?

The T-Dude said...

I love big plates of cheese fries, they make me feel so warm and comforted, I yearn for them and yet I know that my feelings are more of an obsession than a true desire and they they are, in the end, unhealthy.

I say this not to belittle your feelings, I too have been head over heels for someone who held back. And I waited, I tried, I wooed and in the end I discovered that the hold that person had on me was, in fact, a hold I had on myself. I wanted that person to be what I thought and in the end the person I yearned and burned for didn't really exist outside of my own blind desire to be loved.

Be careful my friend, be careful. Don't let yourself be truly trapped by yourself and your desire to be loved by another.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Heck, I'd buy him a drink.

Jenny! said...

I agree with Josh, it seems like love, and that doesnt mean its always easy...love is a fight sometimes!

Good luck, everything will work out...everything happens for a reason!

Fairmaiden327 said...

I was right there honey, not too long ago. Hang in there. This is not something you can control. Feel free to IM me at any time. Best,


it's the little things... said...

Aw, nothing nicer than the love you have to work for or suffer a bit over. If it's too easy, well, it's just no fun.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh Phish, You just have to let it run it's course. I can tell you are smitten. Your words are filled with the passion reflective of your heart.

Hey if Green Eyes is a smart guy, he will snatch you up...soon. I just have a strong intuitive feeling that the first passionate evening with you will have him kicking himself for not snatching you up sooner.

"Not sure you want to be let go???" Babes, if he's who you want...you hold on.

Battle on...amiga.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Love—obsession—fear of letting go. Whatever your feeling it doesn’t sound as if it’s a comfortable place to be.

fingers said...

Fuck, until I got to the bit about never making you feel stupid, I thought you were talking about me, Phishez...

Keshi said...

this post screams LOVE...


GT said...

I want what she's having

But with a chick obvs.

To feel totally at ease about someone must be pretty good or another superlative.

phishez_rule said...

Obesio - he's busy. I hate that excuse.

T - thanks for the advice. But I'm not the girl who needs to be loved. He knows how I feel about him. Though not how intensely.

Bug - I'd do more than that to him!

Jenny - but its a worthwhile fight

Maiden - I'm not out to control it. I just don't want to get broken by it.

LT - and you appreciate it more.

SZJ - I get the feeling he'll be doing that too. If he's not too worried about some minor bruising. I have alot of pent up energy.

Nick - it is comfortable. I feel safe when I'm around him. And as much as I want to be strong, independant woman, I wouldn't trade it.

Fingers - the day you made me your WC, you stole my blog heart. Luckily for me its very small.

Keshi - I wish I could scream it too.

GT - You want that, I want oral sex.

Anonymous said...

gosh, I don't remember the last time I felt that way about somebody.
I like the way you write it though, especially about dropping things and forgetting things.

You must really like him if you are going to wait for him.

phishez_rule said...

Betty - Its not a choice. If it was I'd choose no.

honkeie2 said...

who needs drugs when we have a good old fashion love

Anonymous said...

This post reminded me of a song that I love about a love that is out of your hands, and might or might not ever be.


In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time Ive held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
Its just as well for all Ive seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And youre the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
Thats if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And youre the only one who knows

Liz said...

Right, now I'm in love with him too.

sharnee said...

he sure sounds very appealing! <3

jali said...

"its appeal to me, lies more in its appeal to you."

OMG woman - that's the sweetest line.

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Love drives people crazy, I think.
Hope it gets better for you, one way or another.

Anonymous said...

Is that "and so it goes' song from the film Closer? because I love that movie and watch it quite regularly. THe song kills me.

phishez_rule said...

Honk - drugs are good.

Anon - thats so sweet. Where is it from?

Liz - I rally don't blame you

Sharnee - he is.

Jali - thanks.

Ingsoc - I'm happy in the place I'm in.

Miss Smack said...

I love being in love!

phishez_rule said...

Smack - I'm frustrated by it right now.

Kitty said...

Phish, been there baby x