Thursday, August 16, 2007

Why Fat People Shouldn't Run and other stories

So we went off to lunch today at work. Just six of us. And it was a complete shit fight to even get out the door. People said that we deliberately left people out, and who was organising it, they did a shitty job etc.etc.. The truth of it is that we wanted a nice, relaxed lunch and nobody invited the people who cause problems at work. GalPal and I arranged to have lunch, she invited someone, they invited someone, I invited someone... it ended up being 3/4 of our department. And just before we left the supervisor was running around trying to find who hadn't invited everybody.

So we wandered up to the cafe near work. I had to stop in at the ATM and they kept going. I had almost caught up to them by the lights. Almost, but not quite. So I did a quick sprint to catch up.

Here's the 'hence the title bit here' ==> First the bag started swinging. No problem, I'll grab onto the bag itself, not the handle. Then the necklace started bouncing off my chest. No problem, put other hand on necklace.

Then the boobs started swinging too. My hands were already full witht he bag and necklace. I ended up joggin with my forearms pinned to my bosom, one hand desperately clutching the bag (which had ended up near my ear by this stage), and the other holding down my necklace. And since I've been sick of late, I was wheezing and rattleing like a good little emphysemic biatch.

I gave up. I looked like a complete tard. I could have only looked more retarded if I had drooled. Which isn't completely uncommon.

***************

I'm so bummed right now. I went to my favourite plus size store. And they had this absolutely amazing dress. Gold satin with black lace over the top. Stunning. I tried it on. And it was too big. I asked them if they had a smaller size, but I was already in the smallest.

I don't fit into the smallest sizes at the plus size store anymore.


***************

My dirty little secret: I've been listening to Human Nature all night. Oh, the shame.

27 comments:

Obesio said...

I particularly enjoy the way that you combined a story of feeling fat (running and wheezing) with a story of how you are not really fat (falling below the fat store line).

Natalia said...

I am fat. I don't run. It makes sense to me.

-N

Josh said...

That whole post was fun until you killed it with your dirty little secret.

I refreshed my browser three times in case it was an error. The whole time I was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Anything but Human Nature..."

Jenny! said...

The thing I hate worst about having ot unexpectedly run w/o the proper boob holder on...is that they will pop out of the bra and then your like nipples hanging out...is that just me?

At least you didn;t end up with black eyes!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

We all have dirty secrets in our music collection.

I have the Greatest hits of Bananarama, a Sophie Ellis Bextour album and a few things even more dubious.

I rarely run, simply because it looks undignified, but I'm always amazed when I do just how fast I can move.
Till I stop, coughing dangerously.

jali said...

I really like you, dude!

Funny as hell! I'm back to smoking and it's HOT AS HELL IN ATLANTA this month so running is OUT for me.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Since we're confessing, I'll confess that the very first CD I ever purchased was...a Michael Bolton CD!!! I know, I know!!!

And that's EXACTLY why I usually sit all by myself and read during my lunch hour...SO much drama in the workplace...I know here it's CRAZY with it.

The T-Dude said...

I hate eating with the people at work. They talk about work for god sake. If I 'm leaving the office, I certainly don't want to talk work.

I run, but after a block or two I decide that running is a silly thing to do unless a life is in danger. Everything can wait that extra minute or two it takes to walk.

And I don't even have to worry about any sweater puppies jumping out!

Nick said...

That whole post turned me on in the most ridiculous way.

Steph said...

Unless one is anorexic, we all have bits that jiggle when we run, and I'm yet to see anyone look attractive when jogging, especially first thing in the morning *shudder*

Why Human Nature? Whyyyyyyy?

Betty Boob Hug said...

I hear you about Human Nature. I too secretly desire their latest offerings - especially Ain't no Mountain High Enough - those harmonising boys rock!

About the running, bag clutching, necklace holding, wheezing, puffing, wobbling and stuff....that is just my average start to the day trying to get three kids in the car.

It dont' get much easier!

Oh and about the dress that you are now too SKINNY for. Good for you girl, good job. You'll be a size 12-14 hornbag in no time. x

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Running and holding boobs: were you ever in the cast of Baywatch?

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I really don't understand. I can see holding on to purse and necklace 'cause you do not want to drop/lose either. But boobs? They can't fall off, can they? You can't drop them or lose them. Besides, speaking for many (the majority?) of my gender, I enjoy watching bouncing boobs.

fingers said...

Leave running to the skinny bitches, Phishez.
For you and the other fuller-figured doughnut-hounds there is always blogging...

fingers said...

When you can't see your toes for your tummy,
There's no need to spit out your dummy,
Instead of the jogging,
Get on with your blogging,
And tell us how doughnuts are yummie...

Winter said...

Running? Screw that. If I'm running it'd only be because somebody's coming at me with a knife or seomething.

And it had better be a big knife.

itelli said...

I'm not fat yet it's been ages i 've stopped running. Not even in Glasgow or Dundee when the double decker bus driver is speeding towards me like I killed his mother...

Running is not good. Just walk a bit faster.

Lad Litter said...

Sympathize about the lunch situation. It's not a work function, for Christ's sake. Big bunch of women from a previous work used to go out for lunch once a week and it was invite only. I couldn't have cared less. Later, when more blokes came on staff and we started having our own, you should have heard them complain.

phishez_rule said...

Obesio - I'm still fat. Just not AS fat.

Natalia - I'll leave running to the kenyans.

Josh - I'll bet you've got something similar lurking in your music collection.

Jenny - Fuck black eyes. I'm lucky I didn't knock myself out!

Ingsoc - Bananarama are classic 80's music. Like Ace of Base. Which also gets routinely played from my music collection.

Jali - I'm hoping you're better.

Stacy - I usually read during my lunch hour. Its the only time I get my head in a book.

T-dude - Running is so overrated.

Nick - thats disturbing.

Steph - even the anorexics bones jiggle. You know, for about three seconds when they spontaneously break because they're so weak.

Betty - Note to self - don't have kids.

Bug - no, they need stick insects with gigantic melons for that

SSNick - they don't fall off. They sag. Much worse.

Fingers - Doughnuts ARE yummy.

Winter - Maybe even a spear?

Itelli - Fast walking is better I say. Sure, it doesn't get your heart rate up as high, but it does get up, for a longer period of time.

Lad - That pretty much sums up this situation.

UBERMOUTH said...

I heard it on the grapvine that Fingers is actually a fairly obese donut muncher and a girl to boot.
Just saying.........

Kelly said...

Doughnuts are yummy. :-)

uber- he is an old man with saggy parts. He doesn't run either, he takes his vespa-AKA old man machine.

I will stop running when my skin starts to bounce too and fro like him too... Fear of being knocked out by your cheek skin is a terrifying thought.

MissE said...

you don't fit in the small? That's AWESOME!! But doesn't it suck how there's that little part of you that goes "Awww, crap - now what am I gonna do?!?!"

Running - I don't get it. I've had kids at school say something to me a bout running in the past and I look at them with one eyebrow arched and say "Do I look like someone who runs? Seriously?"

My on-again/off-again PT makes me jog... but he is the Devil, so it explains the need to torture me.

unique_stephen said...

Running great if your being chased by a carnivore otherwise I's something best left to others.

Human Nature.. My wife works with the father of two of the bands wives. So we get free tickets. Their Moe town show about two months ago was truly awesome.

Kitty said...

Awesome? Human NATURE?

Running is fantastic! I do it every day. I can be seen running from Security Guards, Police, hordes of adoring men, my emotional problems...the list is exhaustive.

I have a industrial-strength sports brasserie that hold my C cups steady as Eddie, it's all about the bra Phish babes.

phishez_rule said...

Uber - I'd beleive it. But since he's such an arsehole you know he's probably really hot.

Kelly - see comment to uber.

MissE - I'm at that stage where I'm between plus size and regular size.

Stephen - free tix to anything is cool

Kitty - I know. I was in a push up bra. They aren't designed to hold anything in.

Josh said...

Hey, they're kind of cute... in a creepy Osmond family kind-of-way.

yrautca said...

hilarious!!!