Well. I learned something about myself on the weekend. I had a lovely ME date. Took myself out to dinner. At a sushi train. Surprisingly, I don't think anyone would have noticed I was there by myself. Looking around I realised everyone was too preoccupied watching what was coming around the train to be concerned about the white single fattie. Its a good place to go if you're eating by yourself.
Then I went and saw the late screening of My Best Friends Girl. I liked that movie. It was a comedy, but more like a chick flick for guys. I loved the scene where they hooked up.
She grabs his hand and sticks it on her arse, 'You think this is too big?' He grabs her hand and sticks it on his crotch, 'You think this is too small?' They kiss and disappear into the house. Yep. Totally something I'd do.
I did enjoy it, and think it was worth spending the night out seeing. But walking home afterwards I felt... kind of empty. I wasn't ready for the night to end. It would have been nice to be walking home with somebody, laughing and joking about the movie. Quoting crappy lines to each other.
As much as I enjoyed the night, and as much as I love my independance, I'm ready to start dating. It saddens me to type that, and I don't really know why.
But acknowledging the fact is kind of scary. I have resisted that idea for so long. For too long. I've been the fat chick most of my life. Its easier when you're fat. You assume guys are repulsed, you have no expectations. The last few years I've played. Never really interested in settling. Hell, never really caring if I never saw the guy again. In some cases that was a good thing.
Inside me I'm still the fat girl. Guys like what they see, and I know it, but I don't have the confidence to approach, or to let them approach. Where do I start? Outside of work I have the gym. That's it. No dancing. And I'm not into the pub/club crowd. I can fuck a guy. No sweat. Well, lots of sweat, but no worries. But to let them go further... I don't even know really how to date.
Right now the main guy in my life is my personal trainer. And although he's hot, and has a great personality, I have zero interest in him that way. He reminds me very much of my cousin.
I've been watching the hot guy at work since my second day there, but I've disgraced myself pretty much beyond redemption there. Hell, the first time I ever heard him speak was last week, and it wasn't to me. I still don't know his name.
I'm a bit nervy about going back to internet dating too. I never blogged about the last 'date' I had, but it was pretty devastating. Plus if I did resort to internet dating again, it would be for different reasons. I couldn't trust the guys on a new site. At least on the old site they were forward about what they wanted.
I'm at a loss. I have this desire to do something that most girls my age do with little concern. And I don't really know where to begin. I feel like I'm in the middle of a raging river, standing on a rock. I need to get to the bank. Its to close I can see and smell it. People are there, waving to me and calling me to join them, but I don't know how to get there.
This shit was easier when I didn't care.