Sunday, October 12, 2008

Ready?

Well. I learned something about myself on the weekend. I had a lovely ME date. Took myself out to dinner. At a sushi train. Surprisingly, I don't think anyone would have noticed I was there by myself. Looking around I realised everyone was too preoccupied watching what was coming around the train to be concerned about the white single fattie. Its a good place to go if you're eating by yourself.

Then I went and saw the late screening of My Best Friends Girl. I liked that movie. It was a comedy, but more like a chick flick for guys. I loved the scene where they hooked up.

She grabs his hand and sticks it on her arse, 'You think this is too big?' He grabs her hand and sticks it on his crotch, 'You think this is too small?' They kiss and disappear into the house. Yep. Totally something I'd do.

I did enjoy it, and think it was worth spending the night out seeing. But walking home afterwards I felt... kind of empty. I wasn't ready for the night to end. It would have been nice to be walking home with somebody, laughing and joking about the movie. Quoting crappy lines to each other.

As much as I enjoyed the night, and as much as I love my independance, I'm ready to start dating. It saddens me to type that, and I don't really know why.

But acknowledging the fact is kind of scary. I have resisted that idea for so long. For too long. I've been the fat chick most of my life. Its easier when you're fat. You assume guys are repulsed, you have no expectations. The last few years I've played. Never really interested in settling. Hell, never really caring if I never saw the guy again. In some cases that was a good thing.

Inside me I'm still the fat girl. Guys like what they see, and I know it, but I don't have the confidence to approach, or to let them approach. Where do I start? Outside of work I have the gym. That's it. No dancing. And I'm not into the pub/club crowd. I can fuck a guy. No sweat. Well, lots of sweat, but no worries. But to let them go further... I don't even know really how to date.

Right now the main guy in my life is my personal trainer. And although he's hot, and has a great personality, I have zero interest in him that way. He reminds me very much of my cousin.

I've been watching the hot guy at work since my second day there, but I've disgraced myself pretty much beyond redemption there. Hell, the first time I ever heard him speak was last week, and it wasn't to me. I still don't know his name.

I'm a bit nervy about going back to internet dating too. I never blogged about the last 'date' I had, but it was pretty devastating. Plus if I did resort to internet dating again, it would be for different reasons. I couldn't trust the guys on a new site. At least on the old site they were forward about what they wanted.

I'm at a loss. I have this desire to do something that most girls my age do with little concern. And I don't really know where to begin. I feel like I'm in the middle of a raging river, standing on a rock. I need to get to the bank. Its to close I can see and smell it. People are there, waving to me and calling me to join them, but I don't know how to get there.

This shit was easier when I didn't care.

10 comments:

Ms Smack said...

Have you considered joining a photography class? Or cooking class? Or something that interests you?

You could once a night, and meet like-minded people.

I know what you mean about the lonely times. Mine are still more rare than the 'happy' times, so I'm not concerned.

Like you, I get offers but I'm not ready to compromise my standards to get regular dick.

Take care, mate
x

Fusion said...

All I ever hear about Internet dating is negetive stuff. I'm signing up with eHarmony right now, as well as a couple fringe ones, and I'll see what happens. I've tried looking for some groups to join too, like cath suggests but there's not much in my area, one more reason I want to move nearer a large city next year.
And you can't give up on just the chance meetings either, I have a date coming up with a woman who lives around the corner from my parents old place, and we met from her coming over to the estate sales I have been holding...
You'll find someone when you least expect it I'm sure.

sparsely kate said...

Phishy maybe you are just growing girl...you want more than what you've had in the past. And you dont need to tell me it's scary, it's freakin' crazy out there..what are boys thinking, what do they want, am I good enough? what if I'm deluding myself etc etc.

But these fears are in all our heads. We just need a good slapping to wake up and get over ourselves.
:)

*SLAP*

unique_stephen said...

I'm with smack.

When I was single (10 years ago) I took the advise that if you wanted to go duck hunting you had to go where the ducks were: i.e. I used to do massage and cooking courses.

Got me a date every single time.

phishez said...

Smack - I used to do dance classes, remember? I only ever got one date, which fell through repeatedly. Classes cost too much moolah.

Fusion - I did internet dating. But it was just for 'fun times'. I think now my head is in a different space, but what I leaned from the other site is that I probably couldn't do it for real.


Kate - Maybe I just need a good shag and I'll be all happy again...

Stephen - I think there are more guys who do classes to meet people than girls, so of course you're going to get dates. You'd see it at dance classes. All the guys always had a girl. And most of the time I never had a partner.

Anonymous said...

I have only been in love once, a very long time ago. Even the easy, casual relationships that people talk of have been elusive. Being socially inept has been devastating.

Given the glimpses here, I think you have A LOT of social skills. You WILL find success!!!

Please excuse the anon comment.

Ben said...

I went through a similar time in my life too when I lost the weight.
I knew when and where to get "fun" but didn't want those blokes for a relationship.

I also got stuck with the fat thoughts - "They're looking a me cause I'm fat". It was a conscious effort to change that, and it was bloody hard. But people noticed a change in attitude.

I'm yet to meet someone away from the itnernet or intoxicated at a bar... but the bar has a better success rate.

Clyde said...

Get a dog and walk it on the beach--a lot of people talk to you---and more---
Oh, not one of those poofy little dogs

muse said...

Let me throw you a line...I'll pull you to that bank and we can go for coffee after that movie.

It is understandable to be nervous, but what is it that makes us feel that way? My nervousness is brought on by my self perceived unreasonable expectations. My truth is that if there is a life companion out there for me...he will find me. But at the same time maybe I am not putting myself in the right place for him to find me.

Define what you want out of your dating adventure...do you want a good time? Then date with that expectation. If you want a relationship, then date with that expectation...It is my belief that the oposite sex can sense our expectations so let's just put it out there and see what dreams may come.

Professor said...

Well... dating. the dating pool. back to dating... Okay I'm trying to think of something positive or witty or at least good words of advice. I have nothing. So I'll tell you what this brilliant guy I know always says: "there someone out there for everyone and you will find him or he will find you or you will find each other when the time is right." So say my dad.

the thing I remember about dating are three simple words: good blog fodder. Even if the date sucks you can write about it here.

I dunno my dear... good luck and have a go at it. You never know.