Monday, September 03, 2007

My Bitch Hat

I have a bitch hat. I'm sure everybody's experienced someone's bitch hat at some stage. You're talking there, quite fine, and all of a sudden. BHAM!!! Out comes the bitch hat. You get verbally whipped around the ears, and it goes away. Either the moment passes, the bitch hat-ee leaves in a huff.

My bitch hat got a bit worn out on the weekend. I went to see Die Hard with a friend on Friday night. Before I get into what happened - great movie. Bruce is showing his age. I hate when they take a classic bit and use it again in a sequel. Makes it cheesy.

Moving on.

There was a poignant bit in the movie. And The Fray's 'How to Save a Life' began playing. I thought it was a bit odd. But the poignant bit went away and so did the song.

A few minutes later it played again. And I realised that it was some wenches phone. She answered it before I could figure out which dozy broad it was. Obviously it was a text, because there was no talking after it went off.

Right. I thought. She should have learnt her lesson and put it on silent by now. You'd think so anyway.


It went off about half an hour later. And that's when I rammed my bitch hat on.

I turned around and said to her 'Do you have silent on that thing?'. Which pissed me off no end. I wanted to come across as rightfully snarky. Instead it came out politely. Politely. WTF is that?

As I turned back to the screen I noticed the person sitting on my left turn back to face the screen. Seems he wasn't going to say anything to her, and was going to settle for glaring. Um, dude, its a cinema. You can glare all you want. Its dark and she can't fucking see you!

After the movie I went home and got me some serious sleep. Friday night and I was in bed, asleep by about ten. I'm getting so old. But I figure if you're falling asleep in a Die Hard movie you are in need of sleep. So I was dead to the world.

About 11 pm I woke up. Correction. I was woken up. At first I thought the people above me were having an orgy, with all the banging and thumping. Then I thought they were moving furniture. That, or baby elephants.

Then I heard the music and clapping. WTF type of orgy was this?

I waited to fall back to sleep but I couldn't. I dragged my arse out of bed to see if I could figure out where this noise came from, and it was the guys in the apartment next to mine. My room is the only room that doesn't have windows that open out near anything of theirs, and doesn't share a wall. For them to wake me, when I was so tired, they were really loud.

So I dug down into my metaphorical pocket and grabbed my bitch hat again.

When they answered their door I had the right tone. Bliss. I thought my hat had been broken. This time it gave the correct mix of shortness and tiredness, without being outright bitchy. Course it helped that I was wearing my bright purple snoopy pyjamas, complete with bare feet, bed hair and 'I've just been asleep' squint.

They quietened down and I went back to sleep.



Josh said...

So what does hat head look like after the bitch hat has been on? I am sure it can't be good.

I hate phones going off and people who talk in the cinema. If you ever want to really give your bitch hat a work out, try seeing a film in New York. It was my worst cinema experience ever.

phishez_rule said...

When the hat comes on there's usually some devil horns still sticking out. They take a while to resolve.

phishez_rule said...

I mean when the hat comes *off*...

The T-Dude said...

I had a similar experience not long ago. Not only did the guy's phone go off, but he started talking on it. The guy in front of him just turned around with a dripping "Do you mind?" and he left. You know, unless one of your children is bleeded from the eyes, there is no reason to actually answer the phone in the theater.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I was really feeling for you, Phishez, with the phone dudette in the theater and then the loud dudes next to you. I could picture you knocking on their door wearing your bitch hat and really giving them hell and more—and then that picture kind of melted into my semi-hysterical laughter when I added to it the “bright purple snoopy pajamas, complete with bare feet, bed hair and 'I've just been asleep' squint.” I really wish I’d been there to see that!

Glad you finally got your sleep.

Cunning Linguist said...

I hate when the upstairs people have baby elephant line dancing orgy night. Totally ruins everything. Good post.

yrautca said...

No those dont qualify as bitch hat instances because you were right in pointing out to people that they are morons.

I HATE it how impolite people are these days. I wonder how their parents raised them. Disgusting.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You need to trade your Bitch Hat in. Somebody sold you a Polite Interjection Hat.

unique_stephen said...

hmmm, thats why I watch pirated downloads at home.

the internet - all of the piracy, none of the scurvy

Anonymous said...

I had a bitch hat on this morning when I came out of my kids' school carpark and almost caused a crash with a land rover. Instead of saying sorry - I was in the wrong - I mouthed the words, "silly bitch' and drove off.

I just wasn't in the mood to apologise to anybody for anything!

Im' not normally like this at all, I am usually the first person to accept blame. But I guess some days we all wear the big witches hat.

you do good to not be more ruder or crass in both situations. Most people would have thrown in some expletitives.

Keshi said...

I absolutely hate when that happens! I have given dirty looks to so many ppl like that. And my Bitch hat is always on LOL!


Webmiztris said...

why they hell do people even WANT to answer a phone at the movies? for as much as a movie costs anymore, 100% of my focus is on the fucking movie. hell, I refuse to even miss the previews! lol

MsPuddin said...

Ugh. That’s how my neighborhood is and it doesn’t help we halve really thin walls. I can hear when our downstairs neighbors flush the toilet, snore, have sex, yell at their daughter, etc. Yet they always call the landlord on me about my music. Seriously, can I borrow that bitch hat?


unique_stephen said...

If that happened to me you would be reading about it in the paper:

"man had mobile shoved 2m up his own ass in worlds first documented case of tone rage"
The article would go on the say that not even Bao Xishun could save him

Cazzie!!! said...

Snoopy jammies, way cool Miss!

Winter said...

I don't know if I'd say I have a bitch hat, but I do have a rather scathing look. Causes people to wet themselves and grown men to whimper, that sort of thing. ;)

Seriously, though, I don't understand where people get off thinking it's okay for them to use their phones in a theatre. If you can't go 90 minutes without using the phone maybe you shouldn't go to the movies, or you really need to unplug.

phishez_rule said...

T- I get up people who are rude. I don't care if I come across as a bitch.

Nick - I didn't give them hell. I told them they were loud and left it at that. Even in my snoopy pj's I can be pretty intimidating.

CL - I know. They could have at least invited me!

Y - you can't tell a moron that they are one. They just don't beleive you!

Dr K - it was malfunctioning the first time. There was nothing polite about the second time.

Stephen - I hate scurvy.

Betty - you took on a land rover and you didn't back down? Where did you get your bitch hat from, and do they still make them?

Keshi - you need your bitch hat if you live in Sydney.

Miztris - I love the previews, hate the ads. I am always a little late just to avoid them.

Ms Puddin - speak to Betty, her manufacturer makes better ones.

Stephen - that is so sweet!

Cazzie - what can I say, I'm a way cool chik.

Winter - I know a few bullriders. When I get mad, they run like hell. I mean, they'll sit on the back of a pissed off one tonne animal while it tries to break them, but the moment I raise my voice, you see skid marks!

Anonymous said...

Phishez, yes I took on a land rover and didnt' back down AND I drive a mazda 121 bubble car.


Trust me. You'll want to resist buying that type of hat for a long while! :)

Jana_no1 said...

Go the bitch hat!!!!

Sakura said...

Feels like I am wearing my bitch hat all the time lately.

Josh said...

The best orgies have music and clapping. Or so I've heard...

Miss Smack said...

Clapping of bodies together with squelching sounds?