Sunday, May 06, 2007


I have good days and bad days. Generally more of the good ones. But the last couple of days have been pretty rough. I'm so tired of work. I'm feeling underappreciated and idiotic. Like I can't do the most basic of duties. My supervisor has absolutely no idea what kind of education I have. And I resent being told things that I used to tutor at uni. My supervisor has had a go at me because of my recent attitude shift. He has no idea why, and there is no-one at work who might have the slightest inkling of whats going on inside of me.

I know there is light at the end of it all. But I'm sick of the darkness. It equates to hopelessness and blindness to me. I can't see anything thats really going on. Utter loss and utter betrayal aren't easy to deal with at the best of times, let alone together, by yourself.

One of the dogs at work had a dead pup last week. Just one, and it was dead. She's gone right off her food. She's been off her food for ages. She must have known deep inside that something was wrong. I know how she feels. Today I let her run around, and she nicked off. I found her standing at the door to the room where she had it. Looking back at me, tail wagging. There was no baby waiting in there for her. I know how that feels too. I had to lead her away. She went with me, but very slowly. She stopped and rolled over at one point so I could rub her belly.

Right now I feel empty. I'm so tired. I just want to curl into a little ball and cry and sleep. Life is difficult sometimes.

On A Good Day

Head held high,
She strides onwards,
Outwardly calm.
She's confidant and collected,
She's going somewhere,
Everybody knows it,
Everybody but her,

Eyes turned inwards,
She the shards;
Pieces that were her soul.
Hurt writhes through the pieces,
Anger and shame,
Crawl the dark walls,
That are her shell.

But she's strong.
She will come through this.
One day,
One step at a time.
She will move on,
And go the places she will.
But every time she hears his name,
Her scars will ache,
Deep inside.

Two more days to go


apositivepessimist said...

I really have no clue what has gone on, underlying this post but I feel sad after reading it.

Without trying to sound all jovial and whatnot Phishy...a good friend of mine always says Chin Up, Tits Out.

itelli said...

"I can't see anything that's going on"

Aye. That's exactly how it is. Up until recently, it felt like everything good that happened in my life was out of luck. Some things, i did work for. But most came out of the blue.

Since then, i really can't see where am i going or where the fuck that little blinking light is. But u know what? Despite my misery the last few ... years, it's the first time i think to myself that whatever happens, i'll still be alive the day after.

Alive, not in the sense "oh, great, more crap to go through in the future", but in the sense that at some point the Intergalactic Joker will take a break at some point/ find me boring/ find someone else to play with. Even if it is for 5 mins. Loads can happen in 5 mins (u need less than 5 mins to confirm u won the lottery, for example - if u remembered to play)

I am not saying "do likewise". I am just telling u my side of the story on a post that i have identified with.

Cazzie!!! said...

You need a day spent outside, somewhere nice, to connect with nature, feel the breeze on your skin, all that jazz....then, some reflection on what you want and where you are headed, then, go forwards to it.

poody said...

girl you are circling the drain get out of the pool now!